Kanye West Self-Destruct Meter...

Barack Obama calls Kanye a jackass...

Level: Adidas.

John and Kate plus Hate

Seems like John Gosselin is attempting to take Chris Brown's "Pussy Weight Champion of The
World" title away from him. Chris Brown beat up Rhianna and wore some ugly clothes and tacky jewelry, John Gosselin Keeps falling into 20something coochie and allegedly emptied out Kate's bank account! Gosselin seems mighty pissed off that TLC was going to continue taping his testicular investment AKA as his eight school age children. A couple of signatures later $235,000 dollars was gone and Kate was left with 1 thousand bucks in the bank. John's lawyer says Kate's money is safe and sound. Kate claims to be so devastated that she's removed her wedding ring and will replace it with a simple ring with "eight tiny diamonds". Sorry, Kate but Sneaky knows diamonds and a thousand bucks will only get you a ring with 1 tiny diamond. Or the first down payment on breast implants...either one.

For all our faithful readers and fellow killer Snarks...

We're taking some time off to kick a few old ladies down a few flights of stairs...but, we will be back September 28th, 2009.

Mother! I'm having a nightmare...and I can't wake up!

Maybe, she's trying to tell us she knows how Marilyn Monroe really died?

As if you didn't know...

The only reason Jay-z dropped a new album, was to pay for wife Beyonce's state-of-the-art wind machines.

Ok we get it...you're English!

Russell Brand was scheduled to host the 2009 VMA's, but instead the honor went to an 1880's British chimney sweep wearing ladies' knickers under a suit from the Jacqueline Smith collection at Sears. "Lick ya' balls Gov'na?"

As if you didn't know...

Just cause you're done with crack, doesn't mean crack is done with you.

I wanna do bad things with you.

The vibrator that is Trueblood ran out of batteries last night. If it was that easy to kill Maryanne what the hell was Sam waiting for? Sneaky has never found vampires cool or sexy and most vampire media is just ripped off ( um, Vampire Diaries, Twlight called it wants it's plot back) from older better stuff. But, Trueblood is pretty damn smart and it mostly remembers that to be a vampire you have to be a human first and humans are rarely beautiful, chiseled, kind, eloquent or graceful. In fact, Trueblood makes it pretty clear that dying, gaining superhuman strength and unlimited healing capacity would actually make a shitty asshole... more of a shitty asshole. Eric is euro trash sexy ( I'm pretty sure he would have blond pubes though, yeech!) in an evil kind of way and Bill is sweet...but why oh why is he the only vampire that seems to age faster than humans. Bill isn't scaring Sneaky, he's just making us reconsider Botox. And maybe a little under eye work. And some resurfacing won't hurt. Zoom bleaching. Anal bleaching...

Just for Variety...

Perez, Liz Smith, Micheal Musto, Joel McHale, Wendy Williams, Jeanette Walls, Wonkette, Danielle Fishel, every gossip, rumor-monger and tattle-tale...stand up and show some respect. The great Army Archerd has left the table.http://www.variety.com/index.asp?layout=bio&peopleID=1015

Taylor Swift doesn't care about Black people...

If she did the nineteen-year old would have stopped Kanye before he could commit career suicide at Sunday's VMA awards. Kanye ( complete with Egyptian hieroglyphics carved in his fro) interrupted Taylor's acceptance speech for Best female performance and announced that the award was basically stolen from Beyonce (Sneaky will never tell her age but it certainly reminded us of 'Ol dirty Bastard snatching the mic from Shawn Colvin at the 1998 Grammy's) Taylor looked mortified and we're pretty sure a single tear rolled down her cheek. Later cyborg Beyonce got to try out the new empathy chip she had implanted and she called Swift back on stage to complete her speech. And once Mrs. Jay-z was on her side, Kanye was going to need a radiation suit to survive all the fallout. Mr. K your Boss' wife pretty much called you an asshole for what you did. No wonder Kanye showed up on Leno a lot more shaken than his usual solipsisms would ever let him be. He was crying like he had just walked out of a screening of Schindler's List. Luckily it seems that his boss (Hova) is too busy letting Rhianna rebound off of him and his cigar ( Rhianna went out and Beyonce stayed home) to pay much attention to West saying mean things to white girls. It is hip-hop. And where the fuck was T-Pain?

As if you didn't know....

Noxema will not get the stains off a mattress after a"slippery when wet" baby-oil covered threesome...

If Perez can do it...so can I!

This week Perez promised Tyra Banks that he would no longer print mean rumors or nasty comments about celebuspawn or stars under the age of 18. In a show a solidarity Sneaky is also making the pledge to treat the embryonic and adolescent members of the media with the dignity and respect that such precious young ones deserve...but, is it wrong to tell Madonna that she's a horrible mother for not knocking those caterpillars off her daughter's forehead? Is waxing a sin in Kabalah? How bout just a bit of masking tape? Use that red string around yer wrist to thread that girls forhead. Just do something!

As if you didn't know...

Khloe Kard uses a mask as a sex toy...

Let's slam some Tequila!

Sneaky hates woman-beaters, but we despise false accusations. Tila Tequila had her ex boyfriend (pituitarily gifted) Linebacker NFL Shawne Merriman arrested for choking her and throwing her to the ground. The DA says there's zero evidence to charge him with anything, he says she was drunk at the time and he was trying to protect her and any wayward ducklings that might be crossing the road from her drunk ass, she says she wasn't drunk and in fact she is allergic alcohol. Allergic. To. Alcohol. Tila is at least 75 to 80 percent alcohol herself, like hand sanitizer. Which is completely ironic since she causes so many infections.

Sex in the City or Menopause in Manhattan

The Sex and the City sequel started taping this week and the spoilers are coming faster than Jason Biggs in American Pie. Miranda opens a pizza joint, festively plump Harry continues to worship shishka Charlotte and give her everything she wants, Samantha sucks a mile's worth of dick, and Carrie's vintage eggs somehow get fertilized by Big's cigar/scotch infused sperm. Probably the biggest surprise is robber-baron Big takes it on the chin for all the industrialists the audience can't get their hands on ( like Madhoff and Trump and Andrew Carnegie or something) and loses some of his chauffeur money and moves to a one bedroom. I'm guessing the rest of the planet has been nuked and irradiated in the Sex and the City universe since moving off the island is the chief dooms-day event. The Sex sequel even sports a meet-cute 80's flashback...when the girls were...younger. Sneaky has seen Patricia Fields' costume collection and it's great and all but it doesnt include a time machine to make Kim Catrall look 20-something or SJP look like she did when she was 18 and filmed Footloose. Does Manolo Blahnik make a magic wand?

Trust me, I'm VERY educational.

Sorry, it's been a while since Sneaky posted but, it is back to school time and the High School across the street from Sneaky's pad has an excellent lacrosse team and there's nothing we like better than 18 year olds walking down Clark street holding their sticks.

Angie has Daddy, Mommy AND Brother issues.

What is that weird stuff on Brad Pitt's neck in Inglourious Basterds? Character make-up, auto-erotic asphixiation or a real life scar after trying to slit his own throat when he realized he made babies with the hottest psycho...ever!

Lindsay! Craziness is contagious just like cooties...don't let your heads touch!

Lindsay Lohan DoomsdayClock:

9 minutes to midnight.

Good asswipes never die...they just flap in the breeze.

1. A douche will spend hours talking about how "good" his life is. 2.A Royal douche will video-tape himself, talking about how "good" his life is.

Ryan Jenkins murderer and Super douche committed suicide by hanging in a British Columbia hotel this week. Jenkins murdered and desecrated model/Amber Jasmine Fiore and at least one VH1 show ( Megan Wants a Millionaire) and now possibly a second VH1 reality show will have to be canned thanks to Jenkins. Jenkins appeared on I love Money 3 along with the usual band of cast-offs and told friends that he walked away with the $250,000 dollar grand prize. Sneaky has serious doubts he won anything and believes a good part of that net-worth was Fiore's. He had 2.2 million dollar net worth and an additional quarter grand and he hangs himself...with a belt...in Canada...in a $100 dollar a night hotel? Living the dream, Living the dream.http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=5262442n

Judge confirms, Chris Brown "Pussy Weight Champion of the World"!

The Pussy Weight Champion of the world got no real punishment this week for the bare-knuckle beating he gave then-girl friend Rhianna. He got 5 years probation and has been barred from contacting Ree Ree in person, by phone, letter, e-mail, third parties, smoke signals, Morse Code, or passenger pigeon. If he breaks his conditions, it's on to prison for a little Kiss Kiss Kiss and a tossed salad. We learned a lot about Pussy and his life with Ree Ree from the transcripts. Including the fact that they have been fighting like Popeye and Bluto all over the west coast for months before his arrest. And despite the fact that Pussy managed to drive AND beat the hell out of Rhianna( left turn, punch... brake and slap) Ree thought the conditions of his probation were too harsh and wanted them lifted. Don't they have Tyler Perry movies in Barbados? Next time he will knock you out, Girl. Although, Pussy is possessed by the spirit of Rick James and I guess she isn't worried about running into him at the Grammy's, charitable functions or poetry readings or anything like that.

Hey Dj...1973-2009

Is Death the new Iphone this year? Celebrities are lining five deep to meet an untimely demise in '09. It seems after Micheal's in-home anesthesia in June its been a steady, hot, stream...some respected and ancient like Dominick Dunn and Walter Cronkite, some iconic and early like John Hughes and Naomi Sims, a couple of Kennedys cause that's what they do best, and more than a few in the young, cracked out and stupid category. And Sneaky is gonna have to drop a tear and dry it, cause it looks Like DJ AM ( Adam Goldstein) has fallen into the last category, allegedly by suicide. And maybe, probably, allegedly involving a baggie of crack, though AM claimed to be clean as a whistle for years, prior to a buddy finding him unresponsive early Friday morning. The "maybe" suicide note was a posting on Twitter( you lose points for that AM) "New York, New York big City of dreams, but everything in New York ain't always what it seems." It's like the Divinci code! Adam had an earlier failed suicide attempt, but ironically for some people there is nothing like a near death experience to push them closer to suicide. For Goldstein it may have been the horrific 2008 plane crash he and drummer Travis Barker survived, for Kurt Cobain it was boning Courtney Love. DJ worked hard to clean up his life after being addicted to absolutely everything, including food. But, his list of mourners does include several members of the Nickelodeon Drug Cartel ( Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan, Heidi Montag, and one of those Kardashians) so it may be no surprise that Goldstein may have become strung-out and accidentally ( on purpose) taken just a wee-bit too much. Keep spinning DJ, New york ain't what it seems, but Heaven is a dance floor.

opps! He'll do it again...

Chris "Pussy Weight Champion of the world" Brown has been buzzing around LA in a shtiny (shitty and shiny) name plate chain reading "opps!" ( rented like that Lambo? ) and a lot of 80's style Cross Color, baggy b-boy wear. Let's see...clothes twenty years out of date...gaudy, fakey gold jewelry, and roughing up women. OMG its's Rick. Ricky's back! The ghost of Rick James has possessed Chris Brown. Next stop? Crack and rubbing his boots all over Seth Rogen's white sofa.

I'll get you...and your little dog too!

Just when you thought there was zero suspense involved in VH1's reality show Megan Wants a Millionaire ( no surprise she was going to bone the best looking guy with the best bank balance....her career aspiration is trophy wife, and there is no internship for that position). Despite the typical celebreality predictability, a major truckload of drama got dropped on the show when the federalis launched a national manhunt for one of the contenders for Megan's Golden Slicket. Ryan Jenkins ( networth 2.5 million) fled to Canada to avoid charges of murder in the strangulation and dismemberment of his model ( her Amber-ness came in handy, authorities were able to identify her using the seriel numbers on her implants) ex-wife. In an unexpectedly classy but unsavvy ratings move VH1 has canceled the rest of the MWM season, so its not certain how Ryan actually placed in the competition. He was recently filming a second reality show and VH1 is known for awarding 2nd place douches and douchettes with a follow-up show as a consolation prize. This is Megan Hauserman's third whiff at bat for VH1, she was voted off Rock of Love and quit I love Money. But, this time she got lucky that some CSI team isn't checking the lot number on her titts trying to figure out who she was.

The only thing Demi is Spreading is Aspercream.

What a cute couple...too bad she had to bring her cougar mom!

Hef's vision fails, Speidi benefits...

Heidie Montage actually posed Nekkid for Playboy , although the magazine only used skimpy bikini shots and a little well placed sand and palm leaves. Hef usually publishes any nudie bootay shots he can get his hands on including Carnie Wilson's post gastric bypass shots ( beaver and all)which were a record beating best seller at the time. King Douche Spencer says he did use his wife's shots...in the bathroom! Sneaky completely understands, there's just something about Montage that makes Sneaky want to vomit too.

Paula Abdul out of Idol...

Paula leaves American Idol to resume her life as Mexican bandito Dirty Sanchez.

Madonna's arms victim of gypsy curse.

...thinner !

It's hot!

Paris Hilton gets lonely for ex-Simple Life pal Nicole Ritchie and orders ill-advised breeding program....

But the MCP won't explain how to put on a rubber!

Jeff Bridges helps screen the trailer for Tron 2 at Cali's Comicon nearly 27 years after the original was first released. To celebrate 3,000 computer engineers vow to lose their virginity this time around!

You're NOT invited, but the juggies can come.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is begging for a role in the Next Twilight movie ( all vampires but Trueblood vamps are douchey) and she's begging for any on-screen bone the producers will give her( the 30 year old Jen does bone Jamie Kennedy off-screen) including baggage handler! Although, the film is about teen-aged vampires...writers seem willing to work h-cup Hewitt into the script. Instead of playing an ageless adolescent blood-sucker, Jenny will play the world's first vampire with Progeria! She'll go all early bird special and bite people at 5pm. And she can only bite vegans so she can get blood with extra added soy.

All eyes on me.

It's a surprise that Songbird Ciara hasn't had to visit the dentist after biting Rhianna's style so hard and trying to claim it as her own. Somehow Ciara has been at full market saturation for the past eight weeks, interviews, bad performances on BET, great PSA's for fantastic charities, stupid PSA's for fake-ass charities ( Text L8er...a foundation to stop texting while driving...eye roll) and copied haircuts! Ciara even showed up at the Text L8er bash in a rented Lamborghini, like Chris Brown's rented Lamborghini...only it was purple like the bruises Chris Brown gave Rhianna in his Lamborghini.

Tell 'em Billy sent ya!

It's either bad timing or bad taste ( or a spicy soupcon of both) but a HEALTH insurance company is running a commercial campaign featuring the recently defunct Billy Mays! Billy looks unusually slender ( he also throws a rented sports coat over his chambray) but still manages to reach the upper decibels in the ad. I enjoyed Billy as much as the next person ( when I wasn't Tivo'ing past him to get back to So You Think You Can Dance) but having a heart attack victim pitching bargain basement ultrasounds and prostate exams is a little too Tarantinoesque. Billy's next commercial? A pocket sized device that helps you push up daisies without getting your hands dirty....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7d85T4OfqA

All I see is fuzz.

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was recently accused of raping a Harrah’s hotel employee. The alleged victim claims that the football player lured her in by saying his TV was broken. Roethlisberger denies that he assaulted anyone but does confirm that his tv was indeed broken. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get the Erin Andrews Channel to come in clearly. And since he was the one who placed the camera he was expecting a much clearer picture.

My precious!

In further attempts to investigate motivation for Micheal Jackson's death, authorties opened Jackson's private safe and an individual rumoured to be Mike's lovechild was found inside. More unsettling it was really another Goslin kid! And of course, it was a boy.

Of the sea, by the sea, from the sea....

Jessica, after Tony Romo broke up with you one day before your 29th birthday, it turns out you've been eating Chicken all along!

Lady Ga-Ga nightmare #9...

Judging by her outfit it looks as if Gag-Gag barely survived a stomping by a team of high-heeled martini minxes. Possibly enraged by the lady's refusal to cover her woman wedge? Next time there will be no saving Gag-Gag when she is finally beaten to death by a team of club queens welding "disco sticks".

Nipped in the bud...

So far Rhianna has issued few and far denials concerning her alleged nudie bootay shots. Some of Sneaky's colleagues in evil (this means YOU! Perez!) have shown poor sportsmanship by publishing links to sites carrying the shots. For the record sneaky Salmon will never publish links to stars' split, glistening beavers or some Celebutaunt's somu-fuck (wake up Paris....your orgasm is ready) to draw views to this blog. Instead sneaky will view them for you and report back on the bush. The Rhianna shots are certainly hot and if its a look-alike in the stills, she passed the squint test and the zoom quiz. But, the shots are all sideways and generically funky looking...and from Sneaky's experience with home pornography getting a guy to "get in real tight for the pink" is rarely an issue. But, really after seeing Rhianna Semi-flash last week, Sneaky is surprised she didn't use her nipples as weapons during the Chris Brown assault. She could shiskabob flank steak with those things.

If they say Why? Why? Tell them that its human nature...

Law enforcement officials removed several bags of evidence from the California home where Micheal Jackson was staying prior to his death. It's been reported that the cops found a medication seemingly powerful enough to tranquilize a horse...And disturbingly a Clydesdale has stepped forward and accused Mike of molestation after waking up and finding itself sharing the King of Pop's bed. The horse was too traumatized to comment.

Billy Mays dead! !!!Extra exclamation points need for obit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, Tinseltown just stop it! I hate blogging celebrity deaths, cause then I have to be nice and totally corrupt celebrities go from baby-dangling pedophiles to Icons of American culture. Luckily last night's death seemed to be a genuinely nice guy whose only crime was a bad mustache, so I wont have to swallow my own vomit to write about him. As of last night beloved (and some-what annoying) soap pitchman Billy Mays is washing out stubborn stains from that big laundry room in the sky. Billy was kinda young (50) and healthy ( listen to that lung power!) but, Mays had been involved in a rough airplane flight about 24 hours before his death. Yes, that's right... a blow to the head seems to have claimed another one this year ( Natasha Richardson). Still, last time Sneaky checked, crack-ish songbird Amy Winehouse was alive and kicking, only minus 30lbs and an incisor. Does heroin grant some sort of super-human strength? Look at other super junkies like Kieth Richards and Nicole Ritchie. Inde-frigen-structable! The secret to good health lies in a little morphine. Sneaky hates needles though! Maybe Flintstones will come out with chewable heroin.

Ed, Farrah, Michael...I promise to be nice!

Edward "Ed" McMahon, Jr. died on Sneaky's b-day this week. But we kept America's favorite couch warmer in our thoughts while we were getting lap dances ( hi, Natalie!) on the couch at The Admiral. There's was no booze allowed and the 3 oz. servings of coke weren't nearly as strong as the 3 gram portions of coke( Hi Ariel!) but the ass shifting, fake banter and general feelings of happiness definitely reminded us of the hay days of The Tonight Show. So, we all figured that Ed is somewhere up there hosting his own show and Farrah is certainly a different sorta angel...and The King of Pop is just a little pissed off that he isn't the prettiest white woman in the room.

Have The two droid's memories wiped...

After breaking up with the girls next door Octo-necro-generian Hugh Hefner, began dating blond twins. Although, Hef has a history of maintaining a cathouse /resuscitation team, the twins have never before dated the same man at the same time. In fact the twins had originally intended to double with Hugh and his tall, skinny friend in the dark clothes. It was only when they saw the sickle that they realized the goth-y guy in his entourage was really the Grim Reaper. Since then Hef has admitted that he can't always tell his twin girlfriends apart. Sneaky thinks that Hef should fire the Playboy mansion's pharmacist, because it's obvious that Hef is getting the amnesia medicine and the twins are getting the Viagra.

Chris Brown hits Girls!!

Chris Brown (current Pussy-Weight Champion of The World) admited he was guilty of roughing up Rhianna during a car ride in a bootleg Lamborghini. The crooner only got 5 years probation for the violent and scarring attack on the stunning, young, hazel-eyed no talent. But, immediately after Brown returned to the recording studio and ran into The Backstreet Boys...and got the same punishment that the public received all through the mid to late 90's.

I'm sorry Tiffany but putting Newports there isn't gonna make ANYONE suck on it...

Theresa Guidance Of The Real Housewives of New Jersey forgot that she was living in the Ick capitol of the east coast when she said that "pre-owned" homes were gross because so many other other people had been inside them. When Tiffany "New York" Pollard heard, she immediately broke ground on a new vagina since so many people had been inside her old one. But, local officials say there's no way she can get a building permit for the type of traffic that thing gets.

I can see Alaska from my militia bunker...

And sneaky wants to know...What's with that name...Willow? Is it like Tony Soprano and the name Meadow? Is Willow her favorite leaf to wipe her ass with while "moosin' "?

That wasn't not funny!

Sarah "swim suit competition" Palin seems to be placated by Letterman's on air apology at young Willow's expense. But, Sneaky thinks that Palin should worry less about her daughters being in jokes and concentrate on keeping jokes out of her daughters...

Marshall Mathers happy at last...

Paris Hilton admitted that she refused to shill for Sascha Baron Cohen (a Bruno stunt that nearly got Sascha beat down by Eminiem...ahem...What?! his big black entourage still counts) at the MTV Movie Awards. Sneaky salmon will be praying extra hard to God ( or Satan, sneaky don't care.) because anytime Paris refuses a publicity stunt featuring balls on her face...the end is near.

Have a tool, don't be one...

Sneaky Salmon is applauding Chastity Bono's decision to come out as a transgendered person. alas, Sneaky is concerned that Bono is headed down the seductive, flashy path of douchebaggary. Swiss scientists have proven that a guy named Chas has an 85 percent chance of puking in your girlfriend's purse in the VIP section of Ghostbar. also, incidents of Humvee driving, Glodschlagger-gulping, and amber-fucking all increase exponentially with names like Trey, Dakota, Tripp, Anderson and Chas. We're willing to let this name thing slide for now Chastity/Chas but if we catch you wearing a Blue-tooth with no active call...sneaky will be forced to intervene.

Nancy Reagan (1921-2009) dragged to hell

Nancy Reagan goes to sleep and wakes up in hell. Yet, the former First Lady is pleased that all servants will be "colored'.

You have to use the shampoo or they'll spread and lay eggs...

Despite their rapid and calculated departure and return to NBC's reality show 'I'm a Celebrity Get me Out Of Here!', it was business as usual back on the island for Heidi and Spencer as they resumed eating their young.http://www.nbc.com/im-a-celebrity/

She always smells like that...

Janice Dickinson takes a break from Heroin and plastic surgery to terrorize aspiring models in Finland. One of the models to be may have pushed Janice down the stairs in an unmodelesque act of euthanasia before realizing, that you cant kill what's already dead.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/imattmypants/janice-dickinson-falls-down-stairs-yells-at-model-akv

Toxic

MTV commemorates the intergenerational Madonna/Brittany kiss in a full length film released last
Friday.

http://dragmetohell.net/

Ohhh, they're like butter!

Sneaky salmon is lighting a candle for the Jon and Kate marriage. If the couple should split their contract with The Learning Channel calls for all eight kids (a set of sextuplets and two rough drafts) to be distributed one each to other networks. Upon hearing the details of the contract Tyra Banks created five new reality shows in an attempt to score all eight babies, so she can use their hides to create a line of limited edition designer handbags.Just like she always wanted. Fierce !