What Color Ribbon do you wear for THAT?!

Heart disease, breast cancer and auto accidents are no longer the greatest threat to the health of America's women, reality television is. Yes, Ladies keep taking your vitamins, and getting Pap smears and buckling your seat belt but, if you truly value your life...stay the hell away from MTV, VH1, and Dancing With The Stars!

Early last year, Ryan Jenkins mangled his ex-wife like an over cooked steak at a backyard bbq, then tiny, Chilean Snookie (The Jersey Shore) received a career-making sucker punch on MTV's Jersey shore. In 2010 Rodney Alcala, a former contestant on The Dating Game was convicted of raping and murdering four women and kidnapping and murdering a twelve-year old. And BEFORE winning his episode of the Dating Game, bachelor number 1 served a 34-month sentence for raping an eight-year old girl. Before, not after-so it's no surprise that his bachelorette refused to honor her date even though a chaperon would be present the entire time.

Now, reality show PRODUCER Bruce Beresford Redman (Pimp My Ride and Survivor) is being held in Mexico on suspicion of strangling his wife during a lovely magical make up honeymoon. We've always suspected that the first step in getting cast on some of these shows is taking and failing the MMPI test. Personality disorder? Narcissistic? Borderline? Come right in! Sociopath?! Why, you get a spin-off all your own. But, Sneaky wonders if reality TV is actually toxic that the madness is actually starting to seep over into the production staff. How many times can you stop a fist fight between Flavor Flav and Vanilla Ice, before you start taking your work home? Your work and a strong desire to flip over a table a la Real Housewives of New Jersey?

Reality TV is crafted and manipulated to make their subjects seem like some one we know. So, as the numbers, names, and pictures mount we can't pretend it's not happening. It's partially why we tune in. Train wrecks are so new millenium...what we're seeing now is a maiden tied to the railroad tracks. Maiden Vs. Speeding Train. We all know how that one turns out. And if we miss it , we can catch it later on The Soup.

As if you didn't know...

Jesse James took 121 shots in honor of Adolph Hitler's 121st birthday this week.

26+6= One HELL of an after-party!

The sun is out, birds are singing, and Chicago is currently flooded with lummoxy Irish boys left over from the St.Pat's celebrations, hence we're doing a single post this week. Tiger or Jesse? Jesse or Tiger? Dumb or Dumber? We found a coin, flipped it and settled on Jesse James. And anyhow we're still so hung over from the 17th, that picturing Wood's choking, slapping, and tossing that red-headed porn star around might just make us hurl our ale and port ( Thanks, Nate!). Though, this whole Sandra/Jesse thing is pretty vomitrocious too. Just like this year's recent awards season there are both winners and losers.

Sandra loses-10-12 days after taking home a little golden man ( We mean Oscar not Ryan Seacrest) the news of James' infidelity opened the seal on an unabridged desk reference of jokes about her Blind-side and being Blind-Sided. Besides being cheated on, will she ever be able to hear the title of her most acclaimed work, without picturing Jesse sticking it to the Chickie on his desk in his office? Or was it the Sofa? Jesse seems like a rug-man to us.

Sandra Wins!- Before her husbands shenanigans came slithering out Sandra shared the title of "America's Sweetheart" with other actresses like Julia Roberts, Reese Witherspoon, and Jennifer Aniston. This week she's had "America's Sweetheart" slapped on her more times than dollar bills on a sweaty stripper's ass. Bullock, who really is a mediocre actress ( Did you see All About Steve?) and maybe a horrible director, can use all her post-divorce recuperation time to read the great scripts and projects she'll be offered. And she can wipe her weeping eyes on the wheelbarrow full of money by her bed.

Michelle "Bombshell"Loses-She slept with Sandra Bullock's husband...uh, didn't you hear Michelle? Sandra Bullock is America's Sweetheart! Didn't you see what happened to Kanye West when he just interrupted Taylor Swift? We understand that you left Amish country and discovered what buttons are and now your fascinated with flashing your umbilicus anytime someone even says the word 'pose'. Trust us, we get it. But, what are you going to do next Micky? Snap Dakota Fannings bra strap? Throw maxi pads at lil' Abagail Bresslin in the ladies' room? Expect a poorly drawn but scathingly written South Park episode all about you Michelle and how you helped break poor Sandra's heart.

Michelle " Bombshell" Wins!-Last week the cover of Tattoo Review Magazine, do they carry that at our local news stand? This week commentators from seven national gossip shows are trying to decipher her tats like she's the rosetta stone. The word "suicide" written across her throat, the "w" and "p" inked on her hamstrings...alledgedly standing for "white power"? Maybe standing for "word perfect" Maybe standing for "The Waldorf and The Plaza" (Hey, its where we stay when we're in NY.) Michelle, we love inked girls. We are inked girls. We like ink but, When you start printing messages to God ( and any interested extra-terrestrials) on your forehead...there is a crimp in your aluminum foil which can never be smoothed out. And if its true that Michelle keeps a coffin in her living room, she's a case that even Paxil can not help. Michelle, still wins though, cause psycho chicks get all the best sau-sage!

Tiger Wins!-The attention is off him for a while-because even if Elin is young, and hot, and Swedish and a twin...she's still...you know...foreign. The girls on The View aren't even sure how to pronounce her name. Elan, Ellen, Evola. She's got our sympathy for her dirt rascal of a husband cheating, she just doesn't have our empathy the way Sandy does.

And Finally, Jesse James Wins!-Well, of course he's a cheating husband and about one million fingers will be shaking at him over the next 12 months or so. Yet, after the dust settles in 2011, he's STILL a motorcycle god, he STILL married and banged a porn star, married and banged America's Sweetheart and then banged an ex-Amish (?) tattoo model, he STILL will have his endorsement and he STILL may earn a big ole alimony settlement. Sneaky says that while Sandy's grimacing through all those "Blind-Side" puns JJ will walk away from this with a cool new nickname, something like Jesse James-Thief of Hearts.

Dan Rather Exhausted!

Dan Rather must be damned exhausted because the elderly statesman seems to be aching for the tar and feathering that will allow him to sit down and maybe, just maybe finally learn how to retrieve his voicemail from his cellphone. Rather appeared on the Chris Matthews Show lauding Obama for being so articulate, but then trashed the president's powers of persuasion by saying, "But he couldn't sell watermelons, if you gave him the state troopers to flag down traffic." Whats this? Two with one blow? Mexicans and Blacks? Plus, we think his metaphor was a little weak anyway. Hmmm, let's try some madlibs? I'm sure Sneaky's readers can do a better job than old Danny.

"Obama couldn't sell Watermelon, if-______"

Write down your answers and email them to this blog...funniest one gets our half-finished bottle of peach schnapps. Hurry, we would hate to have to change it to a 3/4 finished bottle of schnapps.

And in other Gabby Sidibe News...

Oh,Gabby are you going to be our first Big Beautiful train-wreck? Shave your head? Rob your own apartment? Sleep with Kevin Federline? Not our Gabby!? Not Precious. Well, she's already getting a good start with several ill-advised sound bites. After announcing her crush on current Jennifer Aniston rebound-thing Gerard Butler, she declared that she found him "sexy" and she "would hit that." Gabby also gave Tyra a run for her money when she talked about her Oscar dress, "If this dress was porno, this would be the money shot." Gabby, if THAT dress were porno, there would be a volume 1 and a volume 2.

Where were you when you heard?

This morning at the Sneakysalmon offices, we were shocked and deeply saddened to discover that professional misogynist(Buddherface Beauty Pageant, Negligee and Underpants Party) Howard Stern had something NASTY to say about a young woman's body. We. Simply.Couldn't.Believe.It. Surprisingly, Howard doubted that Gabby Sidibe (Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore and maybe Susan Serandon literally all rolled into one) would be able to continue her high-profile acting career after her jaw-dropping turn in "Precious" and doubly described her as "enormous". So...is Howard just a big meanie? Or is he voicing a show biz truth that no one is ready to hear post-Oscar? Gabby's talent fortunately/unfortunately is also majestically huge and there is no way she can sorta blend in as the best friend or wacky roommate for a Katherine Hiegle type. Which means Gabby will have to compete against Katherine Heigle and Natalie Portman and Scarlett and Dakota and even Miley for leads that were written with that type of girl in mind. And even when the role does call for a plus-size, brown-skinned girl...she will still have to claw through Jennifer Hudson and Queen Latifah for the part. Will Gabby ever work in that town again? She's got two of the best fairy godmothers in Hollywood. Will Oprah Winfrey still have cash to fund interesting prestige film projects? Will Tyler Perry still be around to direct those projects? The real weight debate? Who carried the gigantic brief case full of cash used to bribe Howard into tagging Gabby on his national show? Three, four days after Oscar and we all know how to pronounce Gabby's last name AND how to spell it....Take that, Djimon Hounsou.

Put a Corky in it.

This week we had the unique pleasure of watching a train wreck inside of ANOTHER train wreck. Sarah 'giggles' Palin appeared on the Tonight Show ( recently re-hosted by Jay Leno) and successfully coughed up some pretty funny gags. The last time we saw the perpetually offended Palin, she was pissed off at Family Guy and its creator Seth Mcfarlane for featuring a character with special needs. Family guy HAS poked fun and satirically nuked people with cognitive disabilities and tossed around the term "retarded" a lot in the early part of the decade. Oh, yeah and Sneaky remembers a few jokes about prom-night-dumpster-babies, parent-endorsed teen suicide and rape victim Elizabeth Smart. Family Guy nukes everyone, and in fact the episode went incredibly light on the Chris' one-shot love interest. Ellen ( voiced by an actress with Down Syndrome) attends regular high-school and takes grade appropriate math, she's repeatedly described as pretty and seems a lot more socially apt than un-diagnosed Chris. She is demanding and bitchy though and the episode ends with Chris yelling, 'They say people with Down syndrome are sweet, BUT YOUR JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!" Thunk. Sorry, that was just the message hitting us in the head. Interesting, that Palin considers Down Syndrome too sacred for humor or satire when she named her son Trig. No, not like Trigonometry. Maybe like, Trisomy G, the cause of Down Syndrome.

10 to the 100th power, Kansas

For the next thirty days don't call it Topeka, call it Google. In an unprecedented case of saturation, the state capitol of Kansas is teching up its Luddite image with a temporary name change...to Google. What's next for 2011? Anticipate leaving your Googlejob, cashing your Googlecheck, taking out some Googlecash to Googlegas up your Googlecar, driving to your Googlehome, eating your Googlechow in front of Googletv, climbing into Googlebed to have Googlesex, with your Googlewife in her Googlehole. Google.

As if you didn't know

Ellen Degeneres claimed she wanted to eat Idol hopeful Alex Lambert 19, like a ripe banana...when we all know Ellen would rather have fish.

Insert Corny Joke about Tiger and Chinese New Year-here. Tiger apologizes.

Someone, must have stood in front of a mirror at midnight and said, "Filthy Cheater, Filthy Cheater, Filthy Cheater" because Tiger Woods has reappeared...with an apology! Tiger Woods staged his first press conference after his one car pile-up and the uncloseting of dozens and dozens of mistresses/cocktail waitresses. Tiger's Mama and Mama-in-Law watched from the sidelines during his choked and misty-eyed explanations. Elin, however was nowhere to be found at the time and rumor has it that the young, blond wife refuses to be photoged with her way-ward hubby...making him slightly less prestigious than past photo co-subjects like the Grand Canyon and the World's Biggest Ball of String. Tiger claimed that Elin had never struck him...we suppose burning a man's scrotum with icyHot isn't EXACTLY hitting.... Tiger capped it all off by saying that he will be returning to the religion of his youth-Buddhism, in hopes of improving his failing character and judgement. A pretty good apology in all, but sorta reminiscent of a weeping Jimmy Swaggart sometime circa '87. Except that instead of Jay-sus helping the guy keep his johnson in his slacks, it seems that Buddha will be doing the heavy lifting. Which is pretty ironic since Buddha is the nekkidest deity of them all.

Haitian Children compete for better standard of living and the chance to feel up Angelina Jolie!

Angelina Jolie is headed to Haiti, a country teeming with adoptable children. Isn't letting Angie loose in Haiti a little like letting Kirstie Ally loose in a Krispie Kreme? You know Angie isn't gonna leave Port-Au-Prince until she boxes up at least a dozen orphans! Six chocolate, six plain and throw in one of those squishy cream-filled ones.

As if you didn't know...

Even if Tommy Lee couldn't block ALL of Chris Brown's punches at that Super Bowl party...His "Billy Club" would still make an excellent weapon...

You gotta hand it to her...

The truth comes out about how Sarah Palin REALLY managed to score a diploma from Wasila High School...she ( please don't sue us) cheated! During Palin's speech she trashed Obama for being a "charismatic guy with a TelePrompTer" while reading notes she had scribbled on her palm in ball point. You can even see her lips moving as she reads! What else was written there? Sneaky scored some HD this past Xmas. Ahem... We have the full list!

Budget Cuts

Lift American Spirit

Righty Tighty/Lefty Loosey

Measure twice/cut once

A moment on the lips...a lifetime on the hips!

Do NOT flush applicator!

Two men enter...one man leaves!

Starve a fever/Feed a cold

Condoms ( Bristol)

Condoms ( Willow)

Peel back film from potatoes...Caution! Contents will be HOT!

Objects in mirror may be closer that they appear.

Calling Obama a "half-breed" is not a compliment.

You can't turn a "ho" into a housewife!

Leaves of three, let it be

Family Guy 8pm central

Refrigerate after opening

Caveat Emptor

More on what's written on the other hand later...

Zelda Rubinstein May 5th 1933-Januray 27th 2010

Zelda Rubinstein, the teeny-tiny psychic from Poltergeist died last week. Zelda worked for years as an actress and AIDS activist but also claimed to be an actual clairvoyant capable of exorcising demons and ghosts from people's homes. Unfortunately, Zelda died before she could make it to our place and declare our apartment "clean" of unwelcome spirits. We bring home ONE screaming demon head from Enclave and we wake up to him naked, scrambling eggs in our kitchen...figures.

2009 was a Pretty year...

...for Little Sicily Black Eye Cover-up for Ladies! It's getting dangerous out there girl, as real, alleged and false woman-beating incidents made the headlines, that is web site headers in 2009. Not only does there seem to be more incidents like the one that took place between Charlie Sheen and Brook Mueller, but people particular generation "Z" kids seem blase and apathetic about the idea of a guy going upside his girlfriends head. Polls showed again and again that high school chickies blamed RHIANNA for the beating incident earlier in the year. And tiny portly Snookie from Jersey Shore was knocked out and down while a bar full of pumped up, testosterone injected guys mostly just watched and sipped. Maybe the difference is that Gen Zero girls are more likely to stomp a guys face while wearing stilettos? And Amy Winehouse was sentenced to prison after slashing her husband Blake's face up like an old Van Halen concert T-shirt. Maybe they're thinking that as long as Ree-Ree was wearing her Jimmy Choos and 3 inches of glued on acrylics, that she and Chris were evenly matched?

2009 was a Pretty year...

...for Oprah Winfrey, Nick Jonas, William Hung, George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Miley Cyrus, Harrison Ford, Johnny Depp, Rick Astley, Kanye West, and P. Diddy. Why? Yes, they're (almost) all hugely gifted. Yes, they're all pukingly rich. And yes, one or two of the names on the list have continued to hide their homosexuality from an increasingly curious public. So, why are these people so lucky? They're not dead, despite credible (what?! because SneakySalmon was caught with 2 balloons of nitrous, we're not credible?) news media reporting their deaths. Despite blurbs with pre-written obits...they are very much alive. Of course, Amy Winehouse certainly is dead and her whole career has been an extended Weekend at Bernie's style prank.

2009 was a Pretty year...

...for Micheal Jackson's estate! Or rather Jackson's creditors. Maybe both? Before his death Jackson was in rehearsals for a world wide tour that would probably only have drawn die hard fans, baby boomers nostalgic for Mike's old nose and certain parties from major European cities that don't consider sex with minors any big deal. "This Is It" would either be a comeback or the final coffin nail in his career. But the former star's death on June 25th made headlines for months. What killed him? Who killed him? How did he come into possession of some white couple's children? The rehearsal footage was neatly packaged as a hit documentary film and a formerly failed greatest hit collection charted. Millions of (squabbled over) dollars rolled in and the Jackson brothers got a reality TV show and specifically Jermain Jackson got pink eye.

2009 Was a Shitty year...

...for Michael Jackson! The 50 year old singer graduated from "Jesus Juice" but skipped the Ambien to treat his stubborn insomnia and used Prophyl instead, an intravenous medication used as a general anesthetic. Jackson had an in-house physician, and his doctor was present when Jackson died on June 25th in the home he shared with his children. But since the doctor was knocking Michael out on a semi-daily basis and attempted CPR while MJ laid on his bed, we think that Jackson's doctor is probably a doctor the way that Dr. Dre is a doctor or the way that Dr. Pepper is a pepper.

2009 was a Shitty year...

...For Christian Audigier AKA Ed Hardy! In March of 2009 Sneaky broke down and purchased a cute, pink Ed Hardy Tshirt that hugged Sneaky's juggies and had boys bumping into fench posts while trying to read the tattoo-inspired script stretched across our chest. That was March, by November of 2009 Christian Audigier's empire had been destroyed by King of All Douches, Jon Gosselin. Once Jon got snapped by the papps wearing Ed Hardy jeans with embrodied tigers literally clawing thier way out of Jon's tiny asian ass, it was over for Audigier and Ed Hardy. That 90 dollar 'Love Kills Slowly' shirt is only good for washing the car in. After we turn it inside out.

2009 was a Pretty year...

..for eight little kids who may have seen their parents relationship glow and burn like Hiroshima. But don't despair, those same 8 kids might finally, finally be allowed to blow bubbles, mouth off, scribble on the walls, get braces, get their periods, go to prom, crash a car, get fake id's and leave for college and generically just grow up...without the boys at The Learning Channel filming it all and wetting their beaks.

Ok, gang let's review! 2009 was a Pretty year...

...For Lady Ga-Ga! She might look like a Belgian hooker with tertiary syphilis, but that nutty broad sure can pack a dance floor. If some of the gossip sneaky heard from her Gays in Boystown are true Ga-Ga may be packing 4-6 inches of disco stick in her jazzertard. Look for Ladyboy Ga-Ga in 2012. The Mayans predicted it.

2009 was a Shitty year...

...to be skinny! And loopy. Lindsey launched a fashion line which may have actually been found goods that fell off a Salvation Army truck as it was leaving a dead drag queen's house...Mishca Barton was commited...uh...hospitalized to the sorta hospital where you can only write in MagicMarker, and you can't have a belt for your robe, and Britany Murphy just sorted faded away while we watched Zoey Deschanle do her quirky thing in 50 shades of blue in 500 Days of Summer. Former walking-dead Nicole Ritchie is looking loverly after having her second child and marrying a robust man, so adult onset anorexia ( also known as meth/herion) maybe officially gauche as we roll into the next decade. Next on the chopping block, all those portly pot heads...but only after Judd Apatow makes a few more flicks. Seth Rogan we love your big, beefy ass.

2009 was a Pretty year...

..for being fat! Several networks launched reality series about bigness, bigatttude, and bigtacularness. More to Love ( the Bachelor's fat sister with a great personality) and Dance Your Ass Off! (DWTS's chubby cousin with a fantastic sense of humor ) pulled in great ratings and even greater sponsor with some discreet product placement. Most dating shows pan out for a shot of the moon or the ocean. More to Love panned out for a shot of a pepperoni pizza. And look for the cast of Precious( which ranges from an incredibly fat AND talented Gabby Sidibe to a chunky Mariah carey ) to sweep the awrds shows. The good news for the ladies? The Oscar isnt platted in gold, there's actually chocolate in there!

2009 Was a Shitty year...

...for pants! Between Ga-Ga's previously saluted Jay-Jay and Uberrapper Lil Wayne's half on/half off post modern interpretation of trousers called...sagging ( that's sagging? When Sneaky's True Religions get stuck half ways, we figure its time to switch from southern fried to sashimi) putting yer pants on one leg at a time and tightening your belt, completely fell out of vogue.