The sun is out, birds are singing, and Chicago is currently flooded with lummoxy Irish boys left over from the St.Pat's celebrations, hence we're doing a single post this week. Tiger or Jesse? Jesse or Tiger? Dumb or Dumber? We found a coin, flipped it and settled on Jesse James. And anyhow we're still so hung over from the 17th, that picturing Wood's choking, slapping, and tossing that red-headed porn star around might just make us hurl our ale and port ( Thanks, Nate!). Though, this whole Sandra/Jesse thing is pretty vomitrocious too. Just like this year's recent awards season there are both winners and losers.
Sandra loses-10-12 days after taking home a little golden man ( We mean Oscar not Ryan Seacrest) the news of James' infidelity opened the seal on an unabridged desk reference of jokes about her Blind-side and being Blind-Sided. Besides being cheated on, will she ever be able to hear the title of her most acclaimed work, without picturing Jesse sticking it to the Chickie on his desk in his office? Or was it the Sofa? Jesse seems like a rug-man to us.
Sandra Wins!- Before her husbands shenanigans came slithering out Sandra shared the title of "America's Sweetheart" with other actresses like Julia Roberts, Reese Witherspoon, and Jennifer Aniston. This week she's had "America's Sweetheart" slapped on her more times than dollar bills on a sweaty stripper's ass. Bullock, who really is a mediocre actress ( Did you see All About Steve?) and maybe a horrible director, can use all her post-divorce recuperation time to read the great scripts and projects she'll be offered. And she can wipe her weeping eyes on the wheelbarrow full of money by her bed.
Michelle "Bombshell"Loses-She slept with Sandra Bullock's husband...uh, didn't you hear Michelle? Sandra Bullock is America's Sweetheart! Didn't you see what happened to Kanye West when he just interrupted Taylor Swift? We understand that you left Amish country and discovered what buttons are and now your fascinated with flashing your umbilicus anytime someone even says the word 'pose'. Trust us, we get it. But, what are you going to do next Micky? Snap Dakota Fannings bra strap? Throw maxi pads at lil' Abagail Bresslin in the ladies' room? Expect a poorly drawn but scathingly written South Park episode all about you Michelle and how you helped break poor Sandra's heart.
Michelle " Bombshell" Wins!-Last week the cover of Tattoo Review Magazine, do they carry that at our local news stand? This week commentators from seven national gossip shows are trying to decipher her tats like she's the rosetta stone. The word "suicide" written across her throat, the "w" and "p" inked on her hamstrings...alledgedly standing for "white power"? Maybe standing for "word perfect" Maybe standing for "The Waldorf and The Plaza" (Hey, its where we stay when we're in NY.) Michelle, we love inked girls. We are inked girls. We like ink but, When you start printing messages to God ( and any interested extra-terrestrials) on your forehead...there is a crimp in your aluminum foil which can never be smoothed out. And if its true that Michelle keeps a coffin in her living room, she's a case that even Paxil can not help. Michelle, still wins though, cause psycho chicks get all the best sau-sage!
Tiger Wins!-The attention is off him for a while-because even if Elin is young, and hot, and Swedish and a twin...she's still...you know...foreign. The girls on The View aren't even sure how to pronounce her name. Elan, Ellen, Evola. She's got our sympathy for her dirt rascal of a husband cheating, she just doesn't have our empathy the way Sandy does.
And Finally, Jesse James Wins!-Well, of course he's a cheating husband and about one million fingers will be shaking at him over the next 12 months or so. Yet, after the dust settles in 2011, he's STILL a motorcycle god, he STILL married and banged a porn star, married and banged America's Sweetheart and then banged an ex-Amish (?) tattoo model, he STILL will have his endorsement and he STILL may earn a big ole alimony settlement. Sneaky says that while Sandy's grimacing through all those "Blind-Side" puns JJ will walk away from this with a cool new nickname, something like Jesse James-Thief of Hearts.
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