Ba-Da-Bing!

I guess Lil' Sicily Black Eye Cover-up for Ladies really will be sponsoring Jersey Shore since one of the "Guidettes" was one of the first casualties to a bar fight on the show. Though bar fight may be a little off ,since the female "Snooki" was sucker punched by a male gym teacher from NY! Constant readers know already how we feel about boys hitting girls...yes even really, really, really, definitely, certainly, very annoying girls like Snooki. But, to go up against a male gym teacher when your biggest daily physical achievement is getting your "pouf" high enough just isn't fair. The guy climbs "the rope" for a living. And this was no 1980's Alexis Carrington punch. This was a 1980's Mike Tyson style punch...Snooki got knocked the fuck out! and was left weeping on the barroom floor. Now, that probably happens every week but, this time it didn't involve 5 long island ice teas and a bottle of Xanax. Watch the footage here.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuynfY6LTRw

You've seen the Godfather? Meet the Godchildren.

MTV's new reality hit/ Italian minstral show Jersey Shore has been losing sponsors (and their money) after allegations that the show stereotypes Italians as over tanned, over-gelled, pumped up, not-so-smart party monsters...in hot tubs. Domino's Pizza and American Family Insurance both ran away screaming from the controversy the show generated. But, they gained a new advertiser when a company that specializes in background checks jumped on the hype band wagon hoping that viewers might tune in and then check for their boyfriend's name on their state's sex offender list. Sneaky is pretty sure that the "Guidos and Guidettes" will continue to add to their rosters...look for Amalgamated Switchblade, National Cannoli, Little Sicily Black Eye Cover-up for Ladies and Ed Hardy to air commercials during the show's half hour slot.

Brittany Murphy 1977-2009

Too Bad...

Alaina Reed-Amini AKA "Olivia" from Sesame Street 1946-2009

So Sad...

....http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Sad_(Pottle-Hall)

And in other douche News...

Watch Badgirls Club on Oxygen tonight and you'll get a chance to see Natalie Nunn, reality TVs first female douche or "DoucheHAG" if you will...in action.

Natalie claims to "run LA" and has been seen clubbing it up with Chris Brown...which can only mean one thing...Sneaky Salmon is finally letting Christopher off the hook for beating up Rhianna. Hitting girls is wrong, and punching Rhianna was especially wrong because he unleashed a flurry of interviews, magazine covers, and a soulfully autobiographical album...er. But if Chris Brown has been listening to that voice asking for an 8th shot of Patron and watching THAT face hover over the YKK on his zipper, he's obviously been punished enough.

Rootie, Tootie Fresh and Douch-y

Oh, Tiger...last time Sneaky checked in on you (from the Nordstrom's dressing room) we were trying to figure out if you were Black or White and YOU and Blondie were denying that there was any trouble in paradise. Well, the results are back from the lab in Helsinki and it turns out that you are neither Black nor White but simply a Douche..a category that exists across all ethnic groups, boarders and racial divides. And you Mr. Woods are a douche because you boinked an "Amber" on the compound without a condom! In fact, ladies if you wear an apron and carry a tray there's a pretty good chance that YOU too...could boink Tiger Woods. C'mon Tiger, first Rach, then that stringy broad from VH1's Tool Academy, then a random cocktail waitress, a porn star (ok, the Pornie was sorta cool) and a waitress from Perkin's. Perkin's is where waitresses go to work when they test positive for meth and get fired from IHOP. What next the girl who cuts the biscuits at KFC? The hairnet-lady who fries up Cajun sausages at Costco? Those sausages are yummy though, chase em with Gatorade and Ambien and you got yourself a party.

Tiger Woods Black? White? THE ONLY GOLF STORY SNEAKY WILL RUN...EVER!

Tiger is White...He makes an average of 2 million dollars per week.

Tiger is Black...He makes 2 million dollars a week playing professional sports.

Tiger is White...The professional sport he plays is golf.

Tiger is Black...When he started making millions of dollars golfing, he married a white girl.

Tiger is White...He allegedly cheated on his hot wife with a third generation socialite with her own mob of paparazzi and expected it to remain a secret from the press.

Tiger is Black...He cheated on his hot wife and expected it to remain a secret from his wife.

Tiger is Asian...he totaled his SUV when he ran over a fire hydrant in his own front yard.

Tiger is White...He tried to escape a beating from his hot wife in $60,000 SUV.

Tiger is Black... Neighbors watched the whole thing.

Tiger is White... disturbed and concerned, neighbors then called the police.

Tiger is Black... the police arrive promptly at the scene.

Tiger is White...but, no one is arrested.

Tiger is Black...The police attempt to question Tiger...again.

Tiger is White...Tiger refuses to answer any questions and the boys in his legal department and a few interns from Industrial Light and Magic craft a touching new version of events that has Tiger's wife rescuing him from his smashed car. Local cops seen wearing new Nikes and golfing with titanium clubs.

Hmm, as Sneaky is writing this (from a Nordstrom's dressing room) the cops are still attempting to talk to Tiger and find out what exactly happened at the Wood's house after the turkey and stuffing. But look for more rumors that Tiger is stuffing it to Rach.

As if you didn't know...

Chaz Bono wants to sell you a used car!

Vivid's gets a copy of Prejean's solo act...R. Kelly instantly updates Netflix que.

Vivid legally obtained a recording of dethroned beauty queen and future nuclear physicist Carrie Prejean having 'hello kitty' time. But don't look for Prejan's blonde box in your neighborhood Red Box anytime soon... Vivid can't release the tape until quiz kid/beauty queen Prejean ok's the tape (which may actually be a cell phone recording...according to Prejean's brother...err) for distribution. And disputes over her age at the time are muddying the water too. If Prejean was 17, as she initially claimed...you will never...ever see Prejean's tape (outside of Amsterdam) since it would then be classified as child pornography...and Carrie herself could be charged! But, if she was 20 as Vivid now claims, it would simply mean that Prejean is just one more Girl Gone Wild eager to show the world how well her boob job went and the quality of her Brazilian. Sneaky gives her 10 months before she signs with Vivid, until then just tune into the Erin Andrew's Channel.

The Fat Lady sings...Oprah says its over! Sneaky cheated out of cash and valuable prizes!

A weeping and sniffling Oprah announced on Friday's episode that she would NOT continue the show after the 2010-2011 season. Was she breaking up with Chicago after its miserable Olympic bid? Was Gail...uuuhhh...Steadman threatening to leave her if she didn't spend more time at home? Chicago's meathead Mayor blamed the "media" for running her out of town, forgetting that since Winfrey has a network show, a cable channel, a book club, a website, a brand of spermicidal jelly, and several shows on Sirius satellite...Oprah is the "Media"!

How can you tell when a lesbian gets a divorce?

You would think the answer would be pretty obvious... you can count me as clueless because Rosie O Donnell's recently "in trouble" marriage to Kelly has been more or less over since the comic's wife moved out about two years ago. Did Donald Trump make good on his threat to get some boy hottie to lure Kelly back to team "B"? Or did she finally get tired of Rosie coming at her with a full leather dildo harness decorated with smiley faces?

As if you didn't know...

...What does copping your belly mean? Answer. It means pretending to be pregnant...when you're not...just to get attention! Rumor has it that the evil Heidi Montag and her equally evil lackey, Spencer did just that for the 4th season of The Hills.Though there is a strong possibility that drinking Nuvo may cause false positives on a pregnancy test, it's already pink!

We can dream...can't we?

Sneaky's career aspirations past, present and future...

Past: Replacing Kim as "Big Poppa's" new girlfriend...only with a bigger limit on the AmEx and without the progeria.

Present: Whoever gets to Vaseline Edward Norton's nipples before a marathon.

Future: De cluttering hoarder Victoria Beckham's house. We could roll around like a ferret in Daddy Beck's old underwear.

Hey! Wanna be in SHOW BUSINESS?

Of course! We all do!

Yet, you can't sing?

and quite possibly may be tone-deaf?

You crave a hit dance track, but your only talents are shopping, fellating Lee Najjar, and doctoring documents to make you officially fifteen years younger?

Well, Autotune can help!

Just add wine, bad extensions, a more talented friend and some other woman's husband and you too, can be eligible for a Grammy!

WARNING: The Grammy foundation is not responsible for injuries received while using the Grammy award to pry open a case of Chardonnay.

So, get Autotune now! They specialize in difficult cases...and tell em Kim sent ya'!

In your face!

Sneaky Salmon will be calling up a few old friends from our field hockey team, cause we'll be honoring Soupy Sales ( dead at 83) by eating a little pie.

Cheaters cheats...

After ten years of filming various hillbillies and hoodrats screwing around with best friends, co-workers, baby-sitters, in-laws, hookers, trannies, mistresses, gas-station attendants and goats, the syndicated hidden-camera reality show Cheaters was outed as a fake! Inside Edition dug the dirt and interviewed about a half dozen improv actors who claimed that they were coached and directed by the show's producers. Joey Greco's infamous stabbing at sea was included in the list of fraudulent episodes. Watch for Entertainment Tonight to leak behind-the-scenes gossip that Fonzie wasn't really turning on that juke box using his fist.

As if you didn't know...

...You don't put twenty inch rims on a Yugo.

Miley Cyrus in Sex and The City 2!

Bad joke of the 90's, Billy Ray Cyrus continues his revenge on the world by having spawn-child Miley appeaer in SATC 2! Miley pole dances, poses nekkid in Vanity Faire and dates underwear models. It's obvious to Sneaky that it won't be long before she meets "up the butt guy" and gets mugged for a pair of Jimmy Choo stilletos, but we're not sure a 16/17 year old belongs in a Sex and the City movie. And how do we know Miley will be pickin' and strummin' and singin' and a modelin'? Mario Cantone leaked it on The View! Other spoilers on the list include a possible pregnancy for Carrie, Big falling into some strange coochie, Samantha going through menopause ( again), and an international trip somewhere hot and brown where Charlotte may or may not schit her pants...again. The franchise certainly has turned a bit predictable. We watch a Three Stooges short we know someone is gonna get hit on the head with a frying pan. We watch SATC we know Sam is gonna fuck a stranger in semi-public place. That's what SATC gives us...something to believe in!

As if you didn't know...

I didn't collect enough candy last night to make up for the candy I hurled up, after seeing THIS!

After I take my Jennifer Garner super-energy pill,I'll be able to lift at least TEN babies!

Now, Now that second cup of coffee is not for Jennifer Garner's baby. If you look again you can see that Jen picked up a hash brownie to share with Serephina on the ride home.

Michael Strahan stars in new sitcom on Fox...

...and thanks to the wonders of HD, we'll be able to see the teeny tiny post-it note between the gap in his teeth..."Dear Michael, I owe you one tooth. Love, God."

As if you didn't know...

Blonde's inhumanity to brunettes did not reach an all new height last week.

That tired little girl at the Awards show was not forced to carry the train of Pamela Anderson's dress. It was actually a bundle of extra skin that Pam keeps on hand...just in case.

Because I got High! Beacuse I got High...

Back when sneaky was still dating, rather than "hookin' up", she dated a sweet geek with great oral technique and a total Android's Dungeon fixation on Batman/Dark Knight comics. Well, you have to do something while the bong is being re lit and and reading old DC comics sorta count as something. No matter how many people were potential blown up by the Joker, no matter how many banks the Riddler robbed, no matter how many dildos the Clittickler shorted out...they always ended up in the Arkham Asylum For the Criminally Insane. Rotting there with 1 million other maniacs until they escaped or something. A little like Mr. Chang's in LA. Or Reality TV. First we had corpse groom Richard Jenkins on Megan Wants a Millionaire, now we have probable wife-beater Richard Heegan( a refuge from Wife Swap) attempting to re-enter reality world by faking a weather balloon taking flight with his kid ahem Falcon ahem inside! During the massive search at least 2 planes and 5 networks showed up trying to find ahem Falcon ahem. Once it was exposed as an alleged ( obvious) hoax all sorts of criminal charges started brewing including a conspiracy charge involving a major media source. Sneaky is certain that the conspiracy reaches back yeeeeeaaaars! Who names their kid Falcon?! They probably were hatching this very special balloon hoax from the moment the kid was born. Hence naming the poor kid ahem Falcon ahem. There had to be some shady backroom deal with the Mac people going down when Gwen Paltrow named her spawn Apple.

As if you didn't know...

Jon Gosselin your daughter's name is spelled with one "d" not two.

It's a 3 skank job.

Three new blonds are moving into the Playboy mansion to replace Holly, Bridget, and Kendra. Hef is keeping the incest theme going in 2009 and two of the girls are indeed sisters AND twins. Maybe one girl boinks him and the other two defibrillate him? Hef should add a seeing-eye dog to the mansion menagerie because he's following up the Heidi Montag mud photo spread with a pictorial of a poorly lippo'ed 33 year old Tyra Reid! Posing for Playboy used to mean something, now its quick self-esteem booster for any unlikable "six" who asks nicely enough, it's the Hollywood version of getting a makeover at the Clinique counter.

I guess that's why they call it the blues.

This September, Elton John and his husband David Furnish were unable to adopt a toddler from Romania. Several reasons were cited for the refusal including an over abundance of scrotum in the celebrity marriage. Seems that growing up an AIDS orphan in soul grinding poverty in a developing country trumps having to see your dad kiss your other dad on the family's private jet every time they jaunt off to a baptism at Buckingham palace. Hmm, Sneaky wouldn't mind being adopted by Daddy Elton and Papa David! Romanian law also states that prospective parents must be no more than 46 years older than potential adoptees. Unfortunately, similar laws aren't in place to protect Romanian mail-order sex brides.

The boy can't help it..

Attention TMZ, Perez, Etc. Etc.! If Mickey Rourke couldn't stop himself from getting enough plastic surgery to turn himself into a human hemorrhoid, there is no way he's going to be able to stop himself from saying Fa99ot7...over and over and over again.http://www.tmz.com/2009/10/11/mickey-rourke-i-meant-what-i-said/

And Next week on The MacKenzie Philips Show...

Uh, Oh little MacKenzie, Roman Polanski won't be taking you to the big dance...looks like its another Blockbuster night at home with Daddy.

*DE-voRcr Boi!

In her 2006 ceremony to Sum 41 musician Deryck Whebley, Avril Lavigne married as a blond with pink bridesmaids' dresses and a pave cross on a tasteful chain. Three years later she's divorcing as a brunette complete with a cheesy tattoo of his initial on her wrist and an upcoming album of heart wrenching "honest"songs about all her dreams being crushed like a house of cards. Or something. Just picture P!nk and Carey Hart without the award winning album and the nice-guy cameo in the ex's video...and the reconciliation.

What I did on my summer vacation...

Looks like Lilo waited until labor day weekend to complete her independant project for Paris Fashion Week. The fashions showcased at the Ungaro show seemed to cater to the three types of chicks you find at porn conventions; short minidresses for girls with Vivid Video contracts, lots of ironic heart shaped nipple pasties for Suicide Girls with daddy issues and 80's style sequined Knott's Landing bolero jackets with harem pants for vintage actresses who need a bit more room in the seat. Of course the most interesting thing to come down the runway was Lilo's face, which seemed to be a sad mix of plastic surgery and Paxil. What happened? Sneaky thought that Sam Roson was going to save Lohan's life with two turntables and a who lotta pussy eating?

Kanye West Self-Destruct Meter

Lady GaGa throws Kanye off her tour...

Level: Nike

As if you didnt know...

TMZ sucks! In yesterday's broadcast they identified former NFL player Terry Crews as "that guy from Friday". Since Sneaky is pretty sure they didn't mean Ice Cube we're guessing they meant the guy who plays Deebo... Tom Lister, Jr. and his jacked-up eye. If their fact checkers weren't all high on skunk they would have noticed the mistake when they ran the film clip. Sneaky's fact checkers are high on several over the knee spamkings a day and you can see the difference in every post.

As if you didn't know...

The economy must be bad, the Kardashian girls are sharing everything. Kourtney gets knocked up and Khloe gets the sham shotgun wedding ( to an LA Laker) with a David's Bridal dress. Man and wife (also a man) have known each other for a little less than eight weeks, so Sneaky is guessing that he hasn't seen her without her extensions or with her penis untucked. Though that must have made for a great garter toss.

Kanye West Self-Destruct Meter...

Barack Obama calls Kanye a jackass...

Level: Adidas.

John and Kate plus Hate

Seems like John Gosselin is attempting to take Chris Brown's "Pussy Weight Champion of The
World" title away from him. Chris Brown beat up Rhianna and wore some ugly clothes and tacky jewelry, John Gosselin Keeps falling into 20something coochie and allegedly emptied out Kate's bank account! Gosselin seems mighty pissed off that TLC was going to continue taping his testicular investment AKA as his eight school age children. A couple of signatures later $235,000 dollars was gone and Kate was left with 1 thousand bucks in the bank. John's lawyer says Kate's money is safe and sound. Kate claims to be so devastated that she's removed her wedding ring and will replace it with a simple ring with "eight tiny diamonds". Sorry, Kate but Sneaky knows diamonds and a thousand bucks will only get you a ring with 1 tiny diamond. Or the first down payment on breast implants...either one.

For all our faithful readers and fellow killer Snarks...

We're taking some time off to kick a few old ladies down a few flights of stairs...but, we will be back September 28th, 2009.

Mother! I'm having a nightmare...and I can't wake up!

Maybe, she's trying to tell us she knows how Marilyn Monroe really died?

As if you didn't know...

The only reason Jay-z dropped a new album, was to pay for wife Beyonce's state-of-the-art wind machines.

Ok we get it...you're English!

Russell Brand was scheduled to host the 2009 VMA's, but instead the honor went to an 1880's British chimney sweep wearing ladies' knickers under a suit from the Jacqueline Smith collection at Sears. "Lick ya' balls Gov'na?"

As if you didn't know...

Just cause you're done with crack, doesn't mean crack is done with you.

I wanna do bad things with you.

The vibrator that is Trueblood ran out of batteries last night. If it was that easy to kill Maryanne what the hell was Sam waiting for? Sneaky has never found vampires cool or sexy and most vampire media is just ripped off ( um, Vampire Diaries, Twlight called it wants it's plot back) from older better stuff. But, Trueblood is pretty damn smart and it mostly remembers that to be a vampire you have to be a human first and humans are rarely beautiful, chiseled, kind, eloquent or graceful. In fact, Trueblood makes it pretty clear that dying, gaining superhuman strength and unlimited healing capacity would actually make a shitty asshole... more of a shitty asshole. Eric is euro trash sexy ( I'm pretty sure he would have blond pubes though, yeech!) in an evil kind of way and Bill is sweet...but why oh why is he the only vampire that seems to age faster than humans. Bill isn't scaring Sneaky, he's just making us reconsider Botox. And maybe a little under eye work. And some resurfacing won't hurt. Zoom bleaching. Anal bleaching...

Just for Variety...

Perez, Liz Smith, Micheal Musto, Joel McHale, Wendy Williams, Jeanette Walls, Wonkette, Danielle Fishel, every gossip, rumor-monger and tattle-tale...stand up and show some respect. The great Army Archerd has left the table.http://www.variety.com/index.asp?layout=bio&peopleID=1015

Taylor Swift doesn't care about Black people...

If she did the nineteen-year old would have stopped Kanye before he could commit career suicide at Sunday's VMA awards. Kanye ( complete with Egyptian hieroglyphics carved in his fro) interrupted Taylor's acceptance speech for Best female performance and announced that the award was basically stolen from Beyonce (Sneaky will never tell her age but it certainly reminded us of 'Ol dirty Bastard snatching the mic from Shawn Colvin at the 1998 Grammy's) Taylor looked mortified and we're pretty sure a single tear rolled down her cheek. Later cyborg Beyonce got to try out the new empathy chip she had implanted and she called Swift back on stage to complete her speech. And once Mrs. Jay-z was on her side, Kanye was going to need a radiation suit to survive all the fallout. Mr. K your Boss' wife pretty much called you an asshole for what you did. No wonder Kanye showed up on Leno a lot more shaken than his usual solipsisms would ever let him be. He was crying like he had just walked out of a screening of Schindler's List. Luckily it seems that his boss (Hova) is too busy letting Rhianna rebound off of him and his cigar ( Rhianna went out and Beyonce stayed home) to pay much attention to West saying mean things to white girls. It is hip-hop. And where the fuck was T-Pain?

As if you didn't know....

Noxema will not get the stains off a mattress after a"slippery when wet" baby-oil covered threesome...

If Perez can do it...so can I!

This week Perez promised Tyra Banks that he would no longer print mean rumors or nasty comments about celebuspawn or stars under the age of 18. In a show a solidarity Sneaky is also making the pledge to treat the embryonic and adolescent members of the media with the dignity and respect that such precious young ones deserve...but, is it wrong to tell Madonna that she's a horrible mother for not knocking those caterpillars off her daughter's forehead? Is waxing a sin in Kabalah? How bout just a bit of masking tape? Use that red string around yer wrist to thread that girls forhead. Just do something!

As if you didn't know...

Khloe Kard uses a mask as a sex toy...

Let's slam some Tequila!

Sneaky hates woman-beaters, but we despise false accusations. Tila Tequila had her ex boyfriend (pituitarily gifted) Linebacker NFL Shawne Merriman arrested for choking her and throwing her to the ground. The DA says there's zero evidence to charge him with anything, he says she was drunk at the time and he was trying to protect her and any wayward ducklings that might be crossing the road from her drunk ass, she says she wasn't drunk and in fact she is allergic alcohol. Allergic. To. Alcohol. Tila is at least 75 to 80 percent alcohol herself, like hand sanitizer. Which is completely ironic since she causes so many infections.

Sex in the City or Menopause in Manhattan

The Sex and the City sequel started taping this week and the spoilers are coming faster than Jason Biggs in American Pie. Miranda opens a pizza joint, festively plump Harry continues to worship shishka Charlotte and give her everything she wants, Samantha sucks a mile's worth of dick, and Carrie's vintage eggs somehow get fertilized by Big's cigar/scotch infused sperm. Probably the biggest surprise is robber-baron Big takes it on the chin for all the industrialists the audience can't get their hands on ( like Madhoff and Trump and Andrew Carnegie or something) and loses some of his chauffeur money and moves to a one bedroom. I'm guessing the rest of the planet has been nuked and irradiated in the Sex and the City universe since moving off the island is the chief dooms-day event. The Sex sequel even sports a meet-cute 80's flashback...when the girls were...younger. Sneaky has seen Patricia Fields' costume collection and it's great and all but it doesnt include a time machine to make Kim Catrall look 20-something or SJP look like she did when she was 18 and filmed Footloose. Does Manolo Blahnik make a magic wand?

Trust me, I'm VERY educational.

Sorry, it's been a while since Sneaky posted but, it is back to school time and the High School across the street from Sneaky's pad has an excellent lacrosse team and there's nothing we like better than 18 year olds walking down Clark street holding their sticks.