A Very Snooki Christmas

At first we thought we were tuned into Sperm Donor: 74 kids and counting, when in fact it was actually a Very Snooki Christmas on HSN. Nicole Polizzi's HSN set was festooned with shiny pink aluminum foil, flaking gold glitter, leopard and zebra print and models so desperate for Christmas money that they were willing to model those horrible, puffy slippers that look like tennis shoes. Snooki hawked everything from perfume to Jersey Shore x-mas ornaments, to sunnies and purses and a stuffed version of her lovely-dubby "Crocodilly". And though panties were suspiciously absent from the Snooki collection, it does seem to be the fashion line "for the woman who has everything, and wants everything"...including crabs.

And Now for a Special Service Announcement for Ms. Demi Lovato...

Dear Ms. Lovato;

Here at SneakySalmon studios, we noticed that you traded your usual raven locks for a new Titian red. Now, while we find the change most fetching and hold no hatred of the "ginger" members of the human race; we were quite alarmed at familiarity of your status both tonsorial and volupte. In short, Ms. Lovato, please remember that a "certain actress" started her career red-headed and dating Wilmar Valderaama and look what happened to that bitch.

Sincerely,

SneakySalmon

As if you didn't know...Dr. Conrad Murray found guilty!

Yes, yes yes, Dr. Conrad Murder was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter after administering semi daily doses of general anesthesia to Michael Jackson. But what we want to know is...are Courtney Stoddard's titts ( is it wrong to call them titts if she's only seventeen?) real or not? Everyone at SneakySalmon studios tuned in to Monday's episode of Dr. Drew's Lifechangers to watch Courtney and daddy-husband Doug Hutchison defend their existence to the former sex-line radio host. Doc Drew called them "gross", because he was too polite to say what he really thought..."nasty". And a slightly shady plastic surgeon( doing what Stoddard's mom should have done months ago) wiped some of that make-up off her face in order to assess if she had been shot up with botulism around the openings where her eyes SHOULD be."Probably". But just as they were about to apply the wand to Court's novelty size fun-bags our local news affiliate cut in with footage of Conrad sweating like a hooker in church as the verdict was read and a news feed about Kim Kardashian scrolled across the screen. When they returned to our "Regularly scheduled program" Stoddard was back in that $20 dress from Forever 21. So, readers who saw it, what happened ? And What's next Abagail Breslin with calf implants? Elle Fanning's vaginal rejuvenation? Will the real world become like watching old 70's porn, where everyone looks "weird", because we have become so used to super-tweaked, engineered, crazy-quilt bodies and faces? We'll figure this one out later..we're late for an appointment to get our areola widened.

As if you didn't know...Beiber Edition

After much debate at SneakySalmon studios we can't decide if Mariah Yeater is psycho or a gold-digger or a fame whore or a poor-mixed-up girl trying to self-sooth after the personal apocalypse of teen pregnancy or what exactly. Maybe, she and Feebs did do the nasty hanging from a bathroom purse hook. Or maybe she was too dippy, drunk and Beiberized to realize she was bouncing on a Justine Beiber look-alike from Winnebago, Wisconsin (our favorite theory) , you heard it hear first! Whatever the case we just got Baby Beiber's birth certificate e-mailed to us and Yeater's left-leaning scrawl left us rattled. The girl kinda writes like a psycho. And not in the way Sneaky writes like a psycho. On us its cute. She PRINTS like she only gets to practice with crayons and felt tip markers.

Momma Maybe, But Beiber's a baby!

Smile, Justin Bieber's all grown-up just like mentor Usher. Let's see he's got a Christmas album, a perfume, a sold out concert tour AND a paternity scandal. Sigh. Sun-rise, sunset. Is it just us or do Mariah Yeater's descriptions of de-virginizing Beiber in a concert hall bathroom sound a little bit like a storyboard for a Flintstones' Vitamin commercial. Ya know, Chubby cheeked kids clomping around in 'mommy shoes' and chasing puppies into mud-puddles. Bubble-gum scented, clumsy, no-rotica. His maybe-baby-lady just turned twenty, while Feebs is sixteen which may make Yeater's infant exhibit "A" in both the paternity suit and a statutory rape case. Could Yeater be Jailed for Raping Justin Beiber? According to our lovely legal dept. at Sneaky Salmon studios ( muah, "M") it's pretty unlikely. Similar non-celebrity cases have reached but been turned away from the California supreme court. And Yeater could always withdraw her paternity suit until the statute of limitations run out on her rape case and simply pray that Beiber doesn't go broke in the meanwhile. And like many other states, Cali has a 'Romeo and Juliet' clause to its under-age rape cases. As long as the perpetrator (Chester the Molester) is less than three years older than the victim (Jail bait) , it will only be prosecuted as a misdemeanor. Good news for Yeater. And good news for all those football captains, you can keep boning those in-coming Freshmen for yeaaaars to come.

As if you didn't know...Kim's Wedding was Faked?!?

Kim's Kardashian's million dollar nuptials to Frankenballer Kris Humphries was all a heavily scripted, over-produced television exxxtravaganZA. Allegedly. Also, that Nigerian prince who fell in love with you online and is desperately trying to get you to cash eight money orders for him....mmmmm....he isn't real either. Allegedly. Now, when your life is as heavily infiltrated/infested with media as Kim is even a change of hair style from straight to curly is a choreographed step toward another million and a new Hermes bag. Only Kim knows for sure if she meant what she said in front of her mom, step-dad, octo-siblings, dozens of producers and the fine people out in television land. Or if her fingers were crossed under that thousand dollar bouquet But, well...we all talked it over at Sneaky Salmon studios and we all agree we've seen better performances on re-runs of Operation Repo on TRUtv. The clue? Yes, she made a wheelbarrow of money. And yes, the entire relationship was shorter then Snookie's prom dress. But, the real tell was that the entire wedding party was attired head to toe in white and there's not a bride in America who's gonna let her future sister-in-law wear a white bridesmaid's gown. As if you didn't know....

As if you Didn't Know...Kardashian Edition

Kardashian is not synonymous with "model". When KUWTK first debuted brother Rob was slated to be the world's next big male model. Rob got big alright, he entered Dancing with the Stars at 200+ pounds. And petite Kim has always modeled , showing off the snug fit of Lavin gown just as easily as she showed off the loose fit of entertainer Ray j's penis. Khloe stomped the runway in typical Sasquatch fashion at at this year's Fashion Week. Little sister Kendell is tall enough (thanks, Jenner genes) and pretty enough to work though her look is more American Eagle online catalog than Balenciaga. But, being a Kardashian is not some weird golden touch that rubs off on whoever touches it, even those who simply marry in. Witness Kaela Humphries. The girl is pretty . Of course, she's biracial and ALL biracial girls seem to be speed-pass cute. Almost too pretty to be FrankenBaller's baby sister, but she is a trifle robust. Kaela Humphries looks like she has probably humped her fair share of fries. Don't get us wrong, we love robust, soft, cuddly, spilling-out-all-over girls but in the modeling world of size quadruple zeros she is circus lady fat. Being a Kardashian, or tangential Kardashian is not enough to put you on the cat-walk. If we stop it now, we can stop an ocean of Kardashians, Jenners, Brodies, and Humphries from cluttering up our Italian Vogues.

As if you Didn't Know...Kardashian Edition

Hmmm, you ever wonder (R.I.P Andy Rooney) why so much of the Kardashian news is ( false) pregnancy and miscarriage and anal bleaching and sister on sister coochie waxing and abortion and just generic rutting? This season even little sister Kendell got in on the act when daddy Bruce Jenner filled her prescription for birth control pills. Bruce offered his usual token freak out to which mom Kris simply responded that "...birth control pills help little girls with their cramps". Yeah, having your legs up in the air for a long time can give you cramps. Meanwhile, brother Rob has a pregnancy scare when Video Bootay-Bouncer Rosa Acosta announces that she is three weeks pregnant ( sorry E!, Seacrest, etc. there is no such thing as three weeks pregnant, for a woman NOT undergoing IVF doctors date pregnancies from four weeks on) and he is the only possible father. Rosa later recants and claims that she "miscarried" and that the baby didn't attach to her uterus ( sorry, again Kardashian, E! producers, etc. but if a joined egg/sperm don't implant a woman will NOT get a positive home ept). Okay, admit it everyone watching the Kardashians is a little like setting a bitch in heat loose in the local dog park, then taking bets on what breed her puppies will be. Sneaky's putting all our money on Labrapugadoodle Terrier.

As if you Didn't know... Kardashian Edition

If you look oddly different from your siblings, say six foot tall and vaguely Irish in a family of tiny, dark Armenians...you MAY need to seek answers via DNA. When Khloe Kardashian found herself in that situation she decided to give Kris Jenner a maternity test! Now, we know that Dark Sith Lord Robert Kardashian is dead but she has three full...ahem..."biological" siblings just brimming with plenty on chromosomal evidence. Test them. And maybe fully expose where the "K' in her name came from. Keyparty.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090420124651AAeeH3v

Andy Rooney January 14,1919-November 4, 2011

Did you ever wonder...if you spend years and years complaining and bitching and moaning about everything from asparagus to Xbox and then suddenly stop you might drop dead three weeks later? All that poison and cynicism and general incredulity diabolically backing up into your bile ducts? Sneaky thought about it. And now we're back and off our tether. Kim Kardashian this means you....