2009 was a Pretty year...

...for Little Sicily Black Eye Cover-up for Ladies! It's getting dangerous out there girl, as real, alleged and false woman-beating incidents made the headlines, that is web site headers in 2009. Not only does there seem to be more incidents like the one that took place between Charlie Sheen and Brook Mueller, but people particular generation "Z" kids seem blase and apathetic about the idea of a guy going upside his girlfriends head. Polls showed again and again that high school chickies blamed RHIANNA for the beating incident earlier in the year. And tiny portly Snookie from Jersey Shore was knocked out and down while a bar full of pumped up, testosterone injected guys mostly just watched and sipped. Maybe the difference is that Gen Zero girls are more likely to stomp a guys face while wearing stilettos? And Amy Winehouse was sentenced to prison after slashing her husband Blake's face up like an old Van Halen concert T-shirt. Maybe they're thinking that as long as Ree-Ree was wearing her Jimmy Choos and 3 inches of glued on acrylics, that she and Chris were evenly matched?

2009 was a Pretty year...

...for Oprah Winfrey, Nick Jonas, William Hung, George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Miley Cyrus, Harrison Ford, Johnny Depp, Rick Astley, Kanye West, and P. Diddy. Why? Yes, they're (almost) all hugely gifted. Yes, they're all pukingly rich. And yes, one or two of the names on the list have continued to hide their homosexuality from an increasingly curious public. So, why are these people so lucky? They're not dead, despite credible (what?! because SneakySalmon was caught with 2 balloons of nitrous, we're not credible?) news media reporting their deaths. Despite blurbs with pre-written obits...they are very much alive. Of course, Amy Winehouse certainly is dead and her whole career has been an extended Weekend at Bernie's style prank.

2009 was a Pretty year...

...for Micheal Jackson's estate! Or rather Jackson's creditors. Maybe both? Before his death Jackson was in rehearsals for a world wide tour that would probably only have drawn die hard fans, baby boomers nostalgic for Mike's old nose and certain parties from major European cities that don't consider sex with minors any big deal. "This Is It" would either be a comeback or the final coffin nail in his career. But the former star's death on June 25th made headlines for months. What killed him? Who killed him? How did he come into possession of some white couple's children? The rehearsal footage was neatly packaged as a hit documentary film and a formerly failed greatest hit collection charted. Millions of (squabbled over) dollars rolled in and the Jackson brothers got a reality TV show and specifically Jermain Jackson got pink eye.

2009 Was a Shitty year...

...for Michael Jackson! The 50 year old singer graduated from "Jesus Juice" but skipped the Ambien to treat his stubborn insomnia and used Prophyl instead, an intravenous medication used as a general anesthetic. Jackson had an in-house physician, and his doctor was present when Jackson died on June 25th in the home he shared with his children. But since the doctor was knocking Michael out on a semi-daily basis and attempted CPR while MJ laid on his bed, we think that Jackson's doctor is probably a doctor the way that Dr. Dre is a doctor or the way that Dr. Pepper is a pepper.

2009 was a Shitty year...

...For Christian Audigier AKA Ed Hardy! In March of 2009 Sneaky broke down and purchased a cute, pink Ed Hardy Tshirt that hugged Sneaky's juggies and had boys bumping into fench posts while trying to read the tattoo-inspired script stretched across our chest. That was March, by November of 2009 Christian Audigier's empire had been destroyed by King of All Douches, Jon Gosselin. Once Jon got snapped by the papps wearing Ed Hardy jeans with embrodied tigers literally clawing thier way out of Jon's tiny asian ass, it was over for Audigier and Ed Hardy. That 90 dollar 'Love Kills Slowly' shirt is only good for washing the car in. After we turn it inside out.

2009 was a Pretty year...

..for eight little kids who may have seen their parents relationship glow and burn like Hiroshima. But don't despair, those same 8 kids might finally, finally be allowed to blow bubbles, mouth off, scribble on the walls, get braces, get their periods, go to prom, crash a car, get fake id's and leave for college and generically just grow up...without the boys at The Learning Channel filming it all and wetting their beaks.

Ok, gang let's review! 2009 was a Pretty year...

...For Lady Ga-Ga! She might look like a Belgian hooker with tertiary syphilis, but that nutty broad sure can pack a dance floor. If some of the gossip sneaky heard from her Gays in Boystown are true Ga-Ga may be packing 4-6 inches of disco stick in her jazzertard. Look for Ladyboy Ga-Ga in 2012. The Mayans predicted it.

2009 was a Shitty year...

...to be skinny! And loopy. Lindsey launched a fashion line which may have actually been found goods that fell off a Salvation Army truck as it was leaving a dead drag queen's house...Mishca Barton was commited...uh...hospitalized to the sorta hospital where you can only write in MagicMarker, and you can't have a belt for your robe, and Britany Murphy just sorted faded away while we watched Zoey Deschanle do her quirky thing in 50 shades of blue in 500 Days of Summer. Former walking-dead Nicole Ritchie is looking loverly after having her second child and marrying a robust man, so adult onset anorexia ( also known as meth/herion) maybe officially gauche as we roll into the next decade. Next on the chopping block, all those portly pot heads...but only after Judd Apatow makes a few more flicks. Seth Rogan we love your big, beefy ass.

2009 was a Pretty year...

..for being fat! Several networks launched reality series about bigness, bigatttude, and bigtacularness. More to Love ( the Bachelor's fat sister with a great personality) and Dance Your Ass Off! (DWTS's chubby cousin with a fantastic sense of humor ) pulled in great ratings and even greater sponsor with some discreet product placement. Most dating shows pan out for a shot of the moon or the ocean. More to Love panned out for a shot of a pepperoni pizza. And look for the cast of Precious( which ranges from an incredibly fat AND talented Gabby Sidibe to a chunky Mariah carey ) to sweep the awrds shows. The good news for the ladies? The Oscar isnt platted in gold, there's actually chocolate in there!

2009 Was a Shitty year...

...for pants! Between Ga-Ga's previously saluted Jay-Jay and Uberrapper Lil Wayne's half on/half off post modern interpretation of trousers called...sagging ( that's sagging? When Sneaky's True Religions get stuck half ways, we figure its time to switch from southern fried to sashimi) putting yer pants on one leg at a time and tightening your belt, completely fell out of vogue.