Angie has Daddy, Mommy AND Brother issues.

What is that weird stuff on Brad Pitt's neck in Inglourious Basterds? Character make-up, auto-erotic asphixiation or a real life scar after trying to slit his own throat when he realized he made babies with the hottest psycho...ever!

Lindsay! Craziness is contagious just like cooties...don't let your heads touch!

Lindsay Lohan DoomsdayClock:

9 minutes to midnight.

Good asswipes never die...they just flap in the breeze.

1. A douche will spend hours talking about how "good" his life is. 2.A Royal douche will video-tape himself, talking about how "good" his life is.

Ryan Jenkins murderer and Super douche committed suicide by hanging in a British Columbia hotel this week. Jenkins murdered and desecrated model/Amber Jasmine Fiore and at least one VH1 show ( Megan Wants a Millionaire) and now possibly a second VH1 reality show will have to be canned thanks to Jenkins. Jenkins appeared on I love Money 3 along with the usual band of cast-offs and told friends that he walked away with the $250,000 dollar grand prize. Sneaky has serious doubts he won anything and believes a good part of that net-worth was Fiore's. He had 2.2 million dollar net worth and an additional quarter grand and he hangs himself...with a belt...in Canada...in a $100 dollar a night hotel? Living the dream, Living the dream.http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=5262442n

Judge confirms, Chris Brown "Pussy Weight Champion of the World"!

The Pussy Weight Champion of the world got no real punishment this week for the bare-knuckle beating he gave then-girl friend Rhianna. He got 5 years probation and has been barred from contacting Ree Ree in person, by phone, letter, e-mail, third parties, smoke signals, Morse Code, or passenger pigeon. If he breaks his conditions, it's on to prison for a little Kiss Kiss Kiss and a tossed salad. We learned a lot about Pussy and his life with Ree Ree from the transcripts. Including the fact that they have been fighting like Popeye and Bluto all over the west coast for months before his arrest. And despite the fact that Pussy managed to drive AND beat the hell out of Rhianna( left turn, punch... brake and slap) Ree thought the conditions of his probation were too harsh and wanted them lifted. Don't they have Tyler Perry movies in Barbados? Next time he will knock you out, Girl. Although, Pussy is possessed by the spirit of Rick James and I guess she isn't worried about running into him at the Grammy's, charitable functions or poetry readings or anything like that.

Hey Dj...1973-2009

Is Death the new Iphone this year? Celebrities are lining five deep to meet an untimely demise in '09. It seems after Micheal's in-home anesthesia in June its been a steady, hot, stream...some respected and ancient like Dominick Dunn and Walter Cronkite, some iconic and early like John Hughes and Naomi Sims, a couple of Kennedys cause that's what they do best, and more than a few in the young, cracked out and stupid category. And Sneaky is gonna have to drop a tear and dry it, cause it looks Like DJ AM ( Adam Goldstein) has fallen into the last category, allegedly by suicide. And maybe, probably, allegedly involving a baggie of crack, though AM claimed to be clean as a whistle for years, prior to a buddy finding him unresponsive early Friday morning. The "maybe" suicide note was a posting on Twitter( you lose points for that AM) "New York, New York big City of dreams, but everything in New York ain't always what it seems." It's like the Divinci code! Adam had an earlier failed suicide attempt, but ironically for some people there is nothing like a near death experience to push them closer to suicide. For Goldstein it may have been the horrific 2008 plane crash he and drummer Travis Barker survived, for Kurt Cobain it was boning Courtney Love. DJ worked hard to clean up his life after being addicted to absolutely everything, including food. But, his list of mourners does include several members of the Nickelodeon Drug Cartel ( Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan, Heidi Montag, and one of those Kardashians) so it may be no surprise that Goldstein may have become strung-out and accidentally ( on purpose) taken just a wee-bit too much. Keep spinning DJ, New york ain't what it seems, but Heaven is a dance floor.

opps! He'll do it again...

Chris "Pussy Weight Champion of the world" Brown has been buzzing around LA in a shtiny (shitty and shiny) name plate chain reading "opps!" ( rented like that Lambo? ) and a lot of 80's style Cross Color, baggy b-boy wear. Let's see...clothes twenty years out of date...gaudy, fakey gold jewelry, and roughing up women. OMG its's Rick. Ricky's back! The ghost of Rick James has possessed Chris Brown. Next stop? Crack and rubbing his boots all over Seth Rogen's white sofa.

I'll get you...and your little dog too!

Just when you thought there was zero suspense involved in VH1's reality show Megan Wants a Millionaire ( no surprise she was going to bone the best looking guy with the best bank balance....her career aspiration is trophy wife, and there is no internship for that position). Despite the typical celebreality predictability, a major truckload of drama got dropped on the show when the federalis launched a national manhunt for one of the contenders for Megan's Golden Slicket. Ryan Jenkins ( networth 2.5 million) fled to Canada to avoid charges of murder in the strangulation and dismemberment of his model ( her Amber-ness came in handy, authorities were able to identify her using the seriel numbers on her implants) ex-wife. In an unexpectedly classy but unsavvy ratings move VH1 has canceled the rest of the MWM season, so its not certain how Ryan actually placed in the competition. He was recently filming a second reality show and VH1 is known for awarding 2nd place douches and douchettes with a follow-up show as a consolation prize. This is Megan Hauserman's third whiff at bat for VH1, she was voted off Rock of Love and quit I love Money. But, this time she got lucky that some CSI team isn't checking the lot number on her titts trying to figure out who she was.

The only thing Demi is Spreading is Aspercream.

What a cute couple...too bad she had to bring her cougar mom!

Hef's vision fails, Speidi benefits...

Heidie Montage actually posed Nekkid for Playboy , although the magazine only used skimpy bikini shots and a little well placed sand and palm leaves. Hef usually publishes any nudie bootay shots he can get his hands on including Carnie Wilson's post gastric bypass shots ( beaver and all)which were a record beating best seller at the time. King Douche Spencer says he did use his wife's shots...in the bathroom! Sneaky completely understands, there's just something about Montage that makes Sneaky want to vomit too.

Paula Abdul out of Idol...

Paula leaves American Idol to resume her life as Mexican bandito Dirty Sanchez.

Madonna's arms victim of gypsy curse.

...thinner !

It's hot!

Paris Hilton gets lonely for ex-Simple Life pal Nicole Ritchie and orders ill-advised breeding program....

But the MCP won't explain how to put on a rubber!

Jeff Bridges helps screen the trailer for Tron 2 at Cali's Comicon nearly 27 years after the original was first released. To celebrate 3,000 computer engineers vow to lose their virginity this time around!

You're NOT invited, but the juggies can come.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is begging for a role in the Next Twilight movie ( all vampires but Trueblood vamps are douchey) and she's begging for any on-screen bone the producers will give her( the 30 year old Jen does bone Jamie Kennedy off-screen) including baggage handler! Although, the film is about teen-aged vampires...writers seem willing to work h-cup Hewitt into the script. Instead of playing an ageless adolescent blood-sucker, Jenny will play the world's first vampire with Progeria! She'll go all early bird special and bite people at 5pm. And she can only bite vegans so she can get blood with extra added soy.

All eyes on me.

It's a surprise that Songbird Ciara hasn't had to visit the dentist after biting Rhianna's style so hard and trying to claim it as her own. Somehow Ciara has been at full market saturation for the past eight weeks, interviews, bad performances on BET, great PSA's for fantastic charities, stupid PSA's for fake-ass charities ( Text L8er...a foundation to stop texting while driving...eye roll) and copied haircuts! Ciara even showed up at the Text L8er bash in a rented Lamborghini, like Chris Brown's rented Lamborghini...only it was purple like the bruises Chris Brown gave Rhianna in his Lamborghini.

Tell 'em Billy sent ya!

It's either bad timing or bad taste ( or a spicy soupcon of both) but a HEALTH insurance company is running a commercial campaign featuring the recently defunct Billy Mays! Billy looks unusually slender ( he also throws a rented sports coat over his chambray) but still manages to reach the upper decibels in the ad. I enjoyed Billy as much as the next person ( when I wasn't Tivo'ing past him to get back to So You Think You Can Dance) but having a heart attack victim pitching bargain basement ultrasounds and prostate exams is a little too Tarantinoesque. Billy's next commercial? A pocket sized device that helps you push up daisies without getting your hands dirty....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7d85T4OfqA