A Very Snooki Christmas

At first we thought we were tuned into Sperm Donor: 74 kids and counting, when in fact it was actually a Very Snooki Christmas on HSN. Nicole Polizzi's HSN set was festooned with shiny pink aluminum foil, flaking gold glitter, leopard and zebra print and models so desperate for Christmas money that they were willing to model those horrible, puffy slippers that look like tennis shoes. Snooki hawked everything from perfume to Jersey Shore x-mas ornaments, to sunnies and purses and a stuffed version of her lovely-dubby "Crocodilly". And though panties were suspiciously absent from the Snooki collection, it does seem to be the fashion line "for the woman who has everything, and wants everything"...including crabs.

And Now for a Special Service Announcement for Ms. Demi Lovato...

Dear Ms. Lovato;

Here at SneakySalmon studios, we noticed that you traded your usual raven locks for a new Titian red. Now, while we find the change most fetching and hold no hatred of the "ginger" members of the human race; we were quite alarmed at familiarity of your status both tonsorial and volupte. In short, Ms. Lovato, please remember that a "certain actress" started her career red-headed and dating Wilmar Valderaama and look what happened to that bitch.

Sincerely,

SneakySalmon

As if you didn't know...Dr. Conrad Murray found guilty!

Yes, yes yes, Dr. Conrad Murder was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter after administering semi daily doses of general anesthesia to Michael Jackson. But what we want to know is...are Courtney Stoddard's titts ( is it wrong to call them titts if she's only seventeen?) real or not? Everyone at SneakySalmon studios tuned in to Monday's episode of Dr. Drew's Lifechangers to watch Courtney and daddy-husband Doug Hutchison defend their existence to the former sex-line radio host. Doc Drew called them "gross", because he was too polite to say what he really thought..."nasty". And a slightly shady plastic surgeon( doing what Stoddard's mom should have done months ago) wiped some of that make-up off her face in order to assess if she had been shot up with botulism around the openings where her eyes SHOULD be."Probably". But just as they were about to apply the wand to Court's novelty size fun-bags our local news affiliate cut in with footage of Conrad sweating like a hooker in church as the verdict was read and a news feed about Kim Kardashian scrolled across the screen. When they returned to our "Regularly scheduled program" Stoddard was back in that $20 dress from Forever 21. So, readers who saw it, what happened ? And What's next Abagail Breslin with calf implants? Elle Fanning's vaginal rejuvenation? Will the real world become like watching old 70's porn, where everyone looks "weird", because we have become so used to super-tweaked, engineered, crazy-quilt bodies and faces? We'll figure this one out later..we're late for an appointment to get our areola widened.