Billy Mays dead! !!!Extra exclamation points need for obit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, Tinseltown just stop it! I hate blogging celebrity deaths, cause then I have to be nice and totally corrupt celebrities go from baby-dangling pedophiles to Icons of American culture. Luckily last night's death seemed to be a genuinely nice guy whose only crime was a bad mustache, so I wont have to swallow my own vomit to write about him. As of last night beloved (and some-what annoying) soap pitchman Billy Mays is washing out stubborn stains from that big laundry room in the sky. Billy was kinda young (50) and healthy ( listen to that lung power!) but, Mays had been involved in a rough airplane flight about 24 hours before his death. Yes, that's right... a blow to the head seems to have claimed another one this year ( Natasha Richardson). Still, last time Sneaky checked, crack-ish songbird Amy Winehouse was alive and kicking, only minus 30lbs and an incisor. Does heroin grant some sort of super-human strength? Look at other super junkies like Kieth Richards and Nicole Ritchie. Inde-frigen-structable! The secret to good health lies in a little morphine. Sneaky hates needles though! Maybe Flintstones will come out with chewable heroin.

Ed, Farrah, Michael...I promise to be nice!

Edward "Ed" McMahon, Jr. died on Sneaky's b-day this week. But we kept America's favorite couch warmer in our thoughts while we were getting lap dances ( hi, Natalie!) on the couch at The Admiral. There's was no booze allowed and the 3 oz. servings of coke weren't nearly as strong as the 3 gram portions of coke( Hi Ariel!) but the ass shifting, fake banter and general feelings of happiness definitely reminded us of the hay days of The Tonight Show. So, we all figured that Ed is somewhere up there hosting his own show and Farrah is certainly a different sorta angel...and The King of Pop is just a little pissed off that he isn't the prettiest white woman in the room.

Have The two droid's memories wiped...

After breaking up with the girls next door Octo-necro-generian Hugh Hefner, began dating blond twins. Although, Hef has a history of maintaining a cathouse /resuscitation team, the twins have never before dated the same man at the same time. In fact the twins had originally intended to double with Hugh and his tall, skinny friend in the dark clothes. It was only when they saw the sickle that they realized the goth-y guy in his entourage was really the Grim Reaper. Since then Hef has admitted that he can't always tell his twin girlfriends apart. Sneaky thinks that Hef should fire the Playboy mansion's pharmacist, because it's obvious that Hef is getting the amnesia medicine and the twins are getting the Viagra.

Chris Brown hits Girls!!

Chris Brown (current Pussy-Weight Champion of The World) admited he was guilty of roughing up Rhianna during a car ride in a bootleg Lamborghini. The crooner only got 5 years probation for the violent and scarring attack on the stunning, young, hazel-eyed no talent. But, immediately after Brown returned to the recording studio and ran into The Backstreet Boys...and got the same punishment that the public received all through the mid to late 90's.

I'm sorry Tiffany but putting Newports there isn't gonna make ANYONE suck on it...

Theresa Guidance Of The Real Housewives of New Jersey forgot that she was living in the Ick capitol of the east coast when she said that "pre-owned" homes were gross because so many other other people had been inside them. When Tiffany "New York" Pollard heard, she immediately broke ground on a new vagina since so many people had been inside her old one. But, local officials say there's no way she can get a building permit for the type of traffic that thing gets.

I can see Alaska from my militia bunker...

And sneaky wants to know...What's with that name...Willow? Is it like Tony Soprano and the name Meadow? Is Willow her favorite leaf to wipe her ass with while "moosin' "?

That wasn't not funny!

Sarah "swim suit competition" Palin seems to be placated by Letterman's on air apology at young Willow's expense. But, Sneaky thinks that Palin should worry less about her daughters being in jokes and concentrate on keeping jokes out of her daughters...

Marshall Mathers happy at last...

Paris Hilton admitted that she refused to shill for Sascha Baron Cohen (a Bruno stunt that nearly got Sascha beat down by Eminiem...ahem...What?! his big black entourage still counts) at the MTV Movie Awards. Sneaky salmon will be praying extra hard to God ( or Satan, sneaky don't care.) because anytime Paris refuses a publicity stunt featuring balls on her face...the end is near.

Have a tool, don't be one...

Sneaky Salmon is applauding Chastity Bono's decision to come out as a transgendered person. alas, Sneaky is concerned that Bono is headed down the seductive, flashy path of douchebaggary. Swiss scientists have proven that a guy named Chas has an 85 percent chance of puking in your girlfriend's purse in the VIP section of Ghostbar. also, incidents of Humvee driving, Glodschlagger-gulping, and amber-fucking all increase exponentially with names like Trey, Dakota, Tripp, Anderson and Chas. We're willing to let this name thing slide for now Chastity/Chas but if we catch you wearing a Blue-tooth with no active call...sneaky will be forced to intervene.

Nancy Reagan (1921-2009) dragged to hell

Nancy Reagan goes to sleep and wakes up in hell. Yet, the former First Lady is pleased that all servants will be "colored'.

You have to use the shampoo or they'll spread and lay eggs...

Despite their rapid and calculated departure and return to NBC's reality show 'I'm a Celebrity Get me Out Of Here!', it was business as usual back on the island for Heidi and Spencer as they resumed eating their young.http://www.nbc.com/im-a-celebrity/

She always smells like that...

Janice Dickinson takes a break from Heroin and plastic surgery to terrorize aspiring models in Finland. One of the models to be may have pushed Janice down the stairs in an unmodelesque act of euthanasia before realizing, that you cant kill what's already dead.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/imattmypants/janice-dickinson-falls-down-stairs-yells-at-model-akv

Toxic

MTV commemorates the intergenerational Madonna/Brittany kiss in a full length film released last
Friday.

http://dragmetohell.net/

Ohhh, they're like butter!

Sneaky salmon is lighting a candle for the Jon and Kate marriage. If the couple should split their contract with The Learning Channel calls for all eight kids (a set of sextuplets and two rough drafts) to be distributed one each to other networks. Upon hearing the details of the contract Tyra Banks created five new reality shows in an attempt to score all eight babies, so she can use their hides to create a line of limited edition designer handbags.Just like she always wanted. Fierce !