As if you didn't know...Beiber Edition

After much debate at SneakySalmon studios we can't decide if Mariah Yeater is psycho or a gold-digger or a fame whore or a poor-mixed-up girl trying to self-sooth after the personal apocalypse of teen pregnancy or what exactly. Maybe, she and Feebs did do the nasty hanging from a bathroom purse hook. Or maybe she was too dippy, drunk and Beiberized to realize she was bouncing on a Justine Beiber look-alike from Winnebago, Wisconsin (our favorite theory) , you heard it hear first! Whatever the case we just got Baby Beiber's birth certificate e-mailed to us and Yeater's left-leaning scrawl left us rattled. The girl kinda writes like a psycho. And not in the way Sneaky writes like a psycho. On us its cute. She PRINTS like she only gets to practice with crayons and felt tip markers.

Momma Maybe, But Beiber's a baby!

Smile, Justin Bieber's all grown-up just like mentor Usher. Let's see he's got a Christmas album, a perfume, a sold out concert tour AND a paternity scandal. Sigh. Sun-rise, sunset. Is it just us or do Mariah Yeater's descriptions of de-virginizing Beiber in a concert hall bathroom sound a little bit like a storyboard for a Flintstones' Vitamin commercial. Ya know, Chubby cheeked kids clomping around in 'mommy shoes' and chasing puppies into mud-puddles. Bubble-gum scented, clumsy, no-rotica. His maybe-baby-lady just turned twenty, while Feebs is sixteen which may make Yeater's infant exhibit "A" in both the paternity suit and a statutory rape case. Could Yeater be Jailed for Raping Justin Beiber? According to our lovely legal dept. at Sneaky Salmon studios ( muah, "M") it's pretty unlikely. Similar non-celebrity cases have reached but been turned away from the California supreme court. And Yeater could always withdraw her paternity suit until the statute of limitations run out on her rape case and simply pray that Beiber doesn't go broke in the meanwhile. And like many other states, Cali has a 'Romeo and Juliet' clause to its under-age rape cases. As long as the perpetrator (Chester the Molester) is less than three years older than the victim (Jail bait) , it will only be prosecuted as a misdemeanor. Good news for Yeater. And good news for all those football captains, you can keep boning those in-coming Freshmen for yeaaaars to come.

As if you didn't know...Kim's Wedding was Faked?!?

Kim's Kardashian's million dollar nuptials to Frankenballer Kris Humphries was all a heavily scripted, over-produced television exxxtravaganZA. Allegedly. Also, that Nigerian prince who fell in love with you online and is desperately trying to get you to cash eight money orders for him....mmmmm....he isn't real either. Allegedly. Now, when your life is as heavily infiltrated/infested with media as Kim is even a change of hair style from straight to curly is a choreographed step toward another million and a new Hermes bag. Only Kim knows for sure if she meant what she said in front of her mom, step-dad, octo-siblings, dozens of producers and the fine people out in television land. Or if her fingers were crossed under that thousand dollar bouquet But, well...we all talked it over at Sneaky Salmon studios and we all agree we've seen better performances on re-runs of Operation Repo on TRUtv. The clue? Yes, she made a wheelbarrow of money. And yes, the entire relationship was shorter then Snookie's prom dress. But, the real tell was that the entire wedding party was attired head to toe in white and there's not a bride in America who's gonna let her future sister-in-law wear a white bridesmaid's gown. As if you didn't know....

As if you Didn't Know...Kardashian Edition

Kardashian is not synonymous with "model". When KUWTK first debuted brother Rob was slated to be the world's next big male model. Rob got big alright, he entered Dancing with the Stars at 200+ pounds. And petite Kim has always modeled , showing off the snug fit of Lavin gown just as easily as she showed off the loose fit of entertainer Ray j's penis. Khloe stomped the runway in typical Sasquatch fashion at at this year's Fashion Week. Little sister Kendell is tall enough (thanks, Jenner genes) and pretty enough to work though her look is more American Eagle online catalog than Balenciaga. But, being a Kardashian is not some weird golden touch that rubs off on whoever touches it, even those who simply marry in. Witness Kaela Humphries. The girl is pretty . Of course, she's biracial and ALL biracial girls seem to be speed-pass cute. Almost too pretty to be FrankenBaller's baby sister, but she is a trifle robust. Kaela Humphries looks like she has probably humped her fair share of fries. Don't get us wrong, we love robust, soft, cuddly, spilling-out-all-over girls but in the modeling world of size quadruple zeros she is circus lady fat. Being a Kardashian, or tangential Kardashian is not enough to put you on the cat-walk. If we stop it now, we can stop an ocean of Kardashians, Jenners, Brodies, and Humphries from cluttering up our Italian Vogues.

As if you Didn't Know...Kardashian Edition

Hmmm, you ever wonder (R.I.P Andy Rooney) why so much of the Kardashian news is ( false) pregnancy and miscarriage and anal bleaching and sister on sister coochie waxing and abortion and just generic rutting? This season even little sister Kendell got in on the act when daddy Bruce Jenner filled her prescription for birth control pills. Bruce offered his usual token freak out to which mom Kris simply responded that "...birth control pills help little girls with their cramps". Yeah, having your legs up in the air for a long time can give you cramps. Meanwhile, brother Rob has a pregnancy scare when Video Bootay-Bouncer Rosa Acosta announces that she is three weeks pregnant ( sorry E!, Seacrest, etc. there is no such thing as three weeks pregnant, for a woman NOT undergoing IVF doctors date pregnancies from four weeks on) and he is the only possible father. Rosa later recants and claims that she "miscarried" and that the baby didn't attach to her uterus ( sorry, again Kardashian, E! producers, etc. but if a joined egg/sperm don't implant a woman will NOT get a positive home ept). Okay, admit it everyone watching the Kardashians is a little like setting a bitch in heat loose in the local dog park, then taking bets on what breed her puppies will be. Sneaky's putting all our money on Labrapugadoodle Terrier.

As if you Didn't know... Kardashian Edition

If you look oddly different from your siblings, say six foot tall and vaguely Irish in a family of tiny, dark Armenians...you MAY need to seek answers via DNA. When Khloe Kardashian found herself in that situation she decided to give Kris Jenner a maternity test! Now, we know that Dark Sith Lord Robert Kardashian is dead but she has three full...ahem..."biological" siblings just brimming with plenty on chromosomal evidence. Test them. And maybe fully expose where the "K' in her name came from. Keyparty.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090420124651AAeeH3v

Andy Rooney January 14,1919-November 4, 2011

Did you ever wonder...if you spend years and years complaining and bitching and moaning about everything from asparagus to Xbox and then suddenly stop you might drop dead three weeks later? All that poison and cynicism and general incredulity diabolically backing up into your bile ducts? Sneaky thought about it. And now we're back and off our tether. Kim Kardashian this means you....

What Color Ribbon do you wear for THAT?!

Heart disease, breast cancer and auto accidents are no longer the greatest threat to the health of America's women, reality television is. Yes, Ladies keep taking your vitamins, and getting Pap smears and buckling your seat belt but, if you truly value your life...stay the hell away from MTV, VH1, and Dancing With The Stars!

Early last year, Ryan Jenkins mangled his ex-wife like an over cooked steak at a backyard bbq, then tiny, Chilean Snookie (The Jersey Shore) received a career-making sucker punch on MTV's Jersey shore. In 2010 Rodney Alcala, a former contestant on The Dating Game was convicted of raping and murdering four women and kidnapping and murdering a twelve-year old. And BEFORE winning his episode of the Dating Game, bachelor number 1 served a 34-month sentence for raping an eight-year old girl. Before, not after-so it's no surprise that his bachelorette refused to honor her date even though a chaperon would be present the entire time.

Now, reality show PRODUCER Bruce Beresford Redman (Pimp My Ride and Survivor) is being held in Mexico on suspicion of strangling his wife during a lovely magical make up honeymoon. We've always suspected that the first step in getting cast on some of these shows is taking and failing the MMPI test. Personality disorder? Narcissistic? Borderline? Come right in! Sociopath?! Why, you get a spin-off all your own. But, Sneaky wonders if reality TV is actually toxic that the madness is actually starting to seep over into the production staff. How many times can you stop a fist fight between Flavor Flav and Vanilla Ice, before you start taking your work home? Your work and a strong desire to flip over a table a la Real Housewives of New Jersey?

Reality TV is crafted and manipulated to make their subjects seem like some one we know. So, as the numbers, names, and pictures mount we can't pretend it's not happening. It's partially why we tune in. Train wrecks are so new millenium...what we're seeing now is a maiden tied to the railroad tracks. Maiden Vs. Speeding Train. We all know how that one turns out. And if we miss it , we can catch it later on The Soup.

As if you didn't know...

Jesse James took 121 shots in honor of Adolph Hitler's 121st birthday this week.

26+6= One HELL of an after-party!

The sun is out, birds are singing, and Chicago is currently flooded with lummoxy Irish boys left over from the St.Pat's celebrations, hence we're doing a single post this week. Tiger or Jesse? Jesse or Tiger? Dumb or Dumber? We found a coin, flipped it and settled on Jesse James. And anyhow we're still so hung over from the 17th, that picturing Wood's choking, slapping, and tossing that red-headed porn star around might just make us hurl our ale and port ( Thanks, Nate!). Though, this whole Sandra/Jesse thing is pretty vomitrocious too. Just like this year's recent awards season there are both winners and losers.

Sandra loses-10-12 days after taking home a little golden man ( We mean Oscar not Ryan Seacrest) the news of James' infidelity opened the seal on an unabridged desk reference of jokes about her Blind-side and being Blind-Sided. Besides being cheated on, will she ever be able to hear the title of her most acclaimed work, without picturing Jesse sticking it to the Chickie on his desk in his office? Or was it the Sofa? Jesse seems like a rug-man to us.

Sandra Wins!- Before her husbands shenanigans came slithering out Sandra shared the title of "America's Sweetheart" with other actresses like Julia Roberts, Reese Witherspoon, and Jennifer Aniston. This week she's had "America's Sweetheart" slapped on her more times than dollar bills on a sweaty stripper's ass. Bullock, who really is a mediocre actress ( Did you see All About Steve?) and maybe a horrible director, can use all her post-divorce recuperation time to read the great scripts and projects she'll be offered. And she can wipe her weeping eyes on the wheelbarrow full of money by her bed.

Michelle "Bombshell"Loses-She slept with Sandra Bullock's husband...uh, didn't you hear Michelle? Sandra Bullock is America's Sweetheart! Didn't you see what happened to Kanye West when he just interrupted Taylor Swift? We understand that you left Amish country and discovered what buttons are and now your fascinated with flashing your umbilicus anytime someone even says the word 'pose'. Trust us, we get it. But, what are you going to do next Micky? Snap Dakota Fannings bra strap? Throw maxi pads at lil' Abagail Bresslin in the ladies' room? Expect a poorly drawn but scathingly written South Park episode all about you Michelle and how you helped break poor Sandra's heart.

Michelle " Bombshell" Wins!-Last week the cover of Tattoo Review Magazine, do they carry that at our local news stand? This week commentators from seven national gossip shows are trying to decipher her tats like she's the rosetta stone. The word "suicide" written across her throat, the "w" and "p" inked on her hamstrings...alledgedly standing for "white power"? Maybe standing for "word perfect" Maybe standing for "The Waldorf and The Plaza" (Hey, its where we stay when we're in NY.) Michelle, we love inked girls. We are inked girls. We like ink but, When you start printing messages to God ( and any interested extra-terrestrials) on your forehead...there is a crimp in your aluminum foil which can never be smoothed out. And if its true that Michelle keeps a coffin in her living room, she's a case that even Paxil can not help. Michelle, still wins though, cause psycho chicks get all the best sau-sage!

Tiger Wins!-The attention is off him for a while-because even if Elin is young, and hot, and Swedish and a twin...she's still...you know...foreign. The girls on The View aren't even sure how to pronounce her name. Elan, Ellen, Evola. She's got our sympathy for her dirt rascal of a husband cheating, she just doesn't have our empathy the way Sandy does.

And Finally, Jesse James Wins!-Well, of course he's a cheating husband and about one million fingers will be shaking at him over the next 12 months or so. Yet, after the dust settles in 2011, he's STILL a motorcycle god, he STILL married and banged a porn star, married and banged America's Sweetheart and then banged an ex-Amish (?) tattoo model, he STILL will have his endorsement and he STILL may earn a big ole alimony settlement. Sneaky says that while Sandy's grimacing through all those "Blind-Side" puns JJ will walk away from this with a cool new nickname, something like Jesse James-Thief of Hearts.

Dan Rather Exhausted!

Dan Rather must be damned exhausted because the elderly statesman seems to be aching for the tar and feathering that will allow him to sit down and maybe, just maybe finally learn how to retrieve his voicemail from his cellphone. Rather appeared on the Chris Matthews Show lauding Obama for being so articulate, but then trashed the president's powers of persuasion by saying, "But he couldn't sell watermelons, if you gave him the state troopers to flag down traffic." Whats this? Two with one blow? Mexicans and Blacks? Plus, we think his metaphor was a little weak anyway. Hmmm, let's try some madlibs? I'm sure Sneaky's readers can do a better job than old Danny.

"Obama couldn't sell Watermelon, if-______"

Write down your answers and email them to this blog...funniest one gets our half-finished bottle of peach schnapps. Hurry, we would hate to have to change it to a 3/4 finished bottle of schnapps.

And in other Gabby Sidibe News...

Oh,Gabby are you going to be our first Big Beautiful train-wreck? Shave your head? Rob your own apartment? Sleep with Kevin Federline? Not our Gabby!? Not Precious. Well, she's already getting a good start with several ill-advised sound bites. After announcing her crush on current Jennifer Aniston rebound-thing Gerard Butler, she declared that she found him "sexy" and she "would hit that." Gabby also gave Tyra a run for her money when she talked about her Oscar dress, "If this dress was porno, this would be the money shot." Gabby, if THAT dress were porno, there would be a volume 1 and a volume 2.

Where were you when you heard?

This morning at the Sneakysalmon offices, we were shocked and deeply saddened to discover that professional misogynist(Buddherface Beauty Pageant, Negligee and Underpants Party) Howard Stern had something NASTY to say about a young woman's body. We. Simply.Couldn't.Believe.It. Surprisingly, Howard doubted that Gabby Sidibe (Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore and maybe Susan Serandon literally all rolled into one) would be able to continue her high-profile acting career after her jaw-dropping turn in "Precious" and doubly described her as "enormous". So...is Howard just a big meanie? Or is he voicing a show biz truth that no one is ready to hear post-Oscar? Gabby's talent fortunately/unfortunately is also majestically huge and there is no way she can sorta blend in as the best friend or wacky roommate for a Katherine Hiegle type. Which means Gabby will have to compete against Katherine Heigle and Natalie Portman and Scarlett and Dakota and even Miley for leads that were written with that type of girl in mind. And even when the role does call for a plus-size, brown-skinned girl...she will still have to claw through Jennifer Hudson and Queen Latifah for the part. Will Gabby ever work in that town again? She's got two of the best fairy godmothers in Hollywood. Will Oprah Winfrey still have cash to fund interesting prestige film projects? Will Tyler Perry still be around to direct those projects? The real weight debate? Who carried the gigantic brief case full of cash used to bribe Howard into tagging Gabby on his national show? Three, four days after Oscar and we all know how to pronounce Gabby's last name AND how to spell it....Take that, Djimon Hounsou.

Put a Corky in it.

This week we had the unique pleasure of watching a train wreck inside of ANOTHER train wreck. Sarah 'giggles' Palin appeared on the Tonight Show ( recently re-hosted by Jay Leno) and successfully coughed up some pretty funny gags. The last time we saw the perpetually offended Palin, she was pissed off at Family Guy and its creator Seth Mcfarlane for featuring a character with special needs. Family guy HAS poked fun and satirically nuked people with cognitive disabilities and tossed around the term "retarded" a lot in the early part of the decade. Oh, yeah and Sneaky remembers a few jokes about prom-night-dumpster-babies, parent-endorsed teen suicide and rape victim Elizabeth Smart. Family Guy nukes everyone, and in fact the episode went incredibly light on the Chris' one-shot love interest. Ellen ( voiced by an actress with Down Syndrome) attends regular high-school and takes grade appropriate math, she's repeatedly described as pretty and seems a lot more socially apt than un-diagnosed Chris. She is demanding and bitchy though and the episode ends with Chris yelling, 'They say people with Down syndrome are sweet, BUT YOUR JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!" Thunk. Sorry, that was just the message hitting us in the head. Interesting, that Palin considers Down Syndrome too sacred for humor or satire when she named her son Trig. No, not like Trigonometry. Maybe like, Trisomy G, the cause of Down Syndrome.

10 to the 100th power, Kansas

For the next thirty days don't call it Topeka, call it Google. In an unprecedented case of saturation, the state capitol of Kansas is teching up its Luddite image with a temporary name change...to Google. What's next for 2011? Anticipate leaving your Googlejob, cashing your Googlecheck, taking out some Googlecash to Googlegas up your Googlecar, driving to your Googlehome, eating your Googlechow in front of Googletv, climbing into Googlebed to have Googlesex, with your Googlewife in her Googlehole. Google.

As if you didn't know

Ellen Degeneres claimed she wanted to eat Idol hopeful Alex Lambert 19, like a ripe banana...when we all know Ellen would rather have fish.

Insert Corny Joke about Tiger and Chinese New Year-here. Tiger apologizes.

Someone, must have stood in front of a mirror at midnight and said, "Filthy Cheater, Filthy Cheater, Filthy Cheater" because Tiger Woods has reappeared...with an apology! Tiger Woods staged his first press conference after his one car pile-up and the uncloseting of dozens and dozens of mistresses/cocktail waitresses. Tiger's Mama and Mama-in-Law watched from the sidelines during his choked and misty-eyed explanations. Elin, however was nowhere to be found at the time and rumor has it that the young, blond wife refuses to be photoged with her way-ward hubby...making him slightly less prestigious than past photo co-subjects like the Grand Canyon and the World's Biggest Ball of String. Tiger claimed that Elin had never struck him...we suppose burning a man's scrotum with icyHot isn't EXACTLY hitting.... Tiger capped it all off by saying that he will be returning to the religion of his youth-Buddhism, in hopes of improving his failing character and judgement. A pretty good apology in all, but sorta reminiscent of a weeping Jimmy Swaggart sometime circa '87. Except that instead of Jay-sus helping the guy keep his johnson in his slacks, it seems that Buddha will be doing the heavy lifting. Which is pretty ironic since Buddha is the nekkidest deity of them all.

Haitian Children compete for better standard of living and the chance to feel up Angelina Jolie!

Angelina Jolie is headed to Haiti, a country teeming with adoptable children. Isn't letting Angie loose in Haiti a little like letting Kirstie Ally loose in a Krispie Kreme? You know Angie isn't gonna leave Port-Au-Prince until she boxes up at least a dozen orphans! Six chocolate, six plain and throw in one of those squishy cream-filled ones.

As if you didn't know...

Even if Tommy Lee couldn't block ALL of Chris Brown's punches at that Super Bowl party...His "Billy Club" would still make an excellent weapon...

You gotta hand it to her...

The truth comes out about how Sarah Palin REALLY managed to score a diploma from Wasila High School...she ( please don't sue us) cheated! During Palin's speech she trashed Obama for being a "charismatic guy with a TelePrompTer" while reading notes she had scribbled on her palm in ball point. You can even see her lips moving as she reads! What else was written there? Sneaky scored some HD this past Xmas. Ahem... We have the full list!

Budget Cuts

Lift American Spirit

Righty Tighty/Lefty Loosey

Measure twice/cut once

A moment on the lips...a lifetime on the hips!

Do NOT flush applicator!

Two men enter...one man leaves!

Starve a fever/Feed a cold

Condoms ( Bristol)

Condoms ( Willow)

Peel back film from potatoes...Caution! Contents will be HOT!

Objects in mirror may be closer that they appear.

Calling Obama a "half-breed" is not a compliment.

You can't turn a "ho" into a housewife!

Leaves of three, let it be

Family Guy 8pm central

Refrigerate after opening

Caveat Emptor

More on what's written on the other hand later...