26+6= One HELL of an after-party!

The sun is out, birds are singing, and Chicago is currently flooded with lummoxy Irish boys left over from the St.Pat's celebrations, hence we're doing a single post this week. Tiger or Jesse? Jesse or Tiger? Dumb or Dumber? We found a coin, flipped it and settled on Jesse James. And anyhow we're still so hung over from the 17th, that picturing Wood's choking, slapping, and tossing that red-headed porn star around might just make us hurl our ale and port ( Thanks, Nate!). Though, this whole Sandra/Jesse thing is pretty vomitrocious too. Just like this year's recent awards season there are both winners and losers.

Sandra loses-10-12 days after taking home a little golden man ( We mean Oscar not Ryan Seacrest) the news of James' infidelity opened the seal on an unabridged desk reference of jokes about her Blind-side and being Blind-Sided. Besides being cheated on, will she ever be able to hear the title of her most acclaimed work, without picturing Jesse sticking it to the Chickie on his desk in his office? Or was it the Sofa? Jesse seems like a rug-man to us.

Sandra Wins!- Before her husbands shenanigans came slithering out Sandra shared the title of "America's Sweetheart" with other actresses like Julia Roberts, Reese Witherspoon, and Jennifer Aniston. This week she's had "America's Sweetheart" slapped on her more times than dollar bills on a sweaty stripper's ass. Bullock, who really is a mediocre actress ( Did you see All About Steve?) and maybe a horrible director, can use all her post-divorce recuperation time to read the great scripts and projects she'll be offered. And she can wipe her weeping eyes on the wheelbarrow full of money by her bed.

Michelle "Bombshell"Loses-She slept with Sandra Bullock's husband...uh, didn't you hear Michelle? Sandra Bullock is America's Sweetheart! Didn't you see what happened to Kanye West when he just interrupted Taylor Swift? We understand that you left Amish country and discovered what buttons are and now your fascinated with flashing your umbilicus anytime someone even says the word 'pose'. Trust us, we get it. But, what are you going to do next Micky? Snap Dakota Fannings bra strap? Throw maxi pads at lil' Abagail Bresslin in the ladies' room? Expect a poorly drawn but scathingly written South Park episode all about you Michelle and how you helped break poor Sandra's heart.

Michelle " Bombshell" Wins!-Last week the cover of Tattoo Review Magazine, do they carry that at our local news stand? This week commentators from seven national gossip shows are trying to decipher her tats like she's the rosetta stone. The word "suicide" written across her throat, the "w" and "p" inked on her hamstrings...alledgedly standing for "white power"? Maybe standing for "word perfect" Maybe standing for "The Waldorf and The Plaza" (Hey, its where we stay when we're in NY.) Michelle, we love inked girls. We are inked girls. We like ink but, When you start printing messages to God ( and any interested extra-terrestrials) on your forehead...there is a crimp in your aluminum foil which can never be smoothed out. And if its true that Michelle keeps a coffin in her living room, she's a case that even Paxil can not help. Michelle, still wins though, cause psycho chicks get all the best sau-sage!

Tiger Wins!-The attention is off him for a while-because even if Elin is young, and hot, and Swedish and a twin...she's still...you know...foreign. The girls on The View aren't even sure how to pronounce her name. Elan, Ellen, Evola. She's got our sympathy for her dirt rascal of a husband cheating, she just doesn't have our empathy the way Sandy does.

And Finally, Jesse James Wins!-Well, of course he's a cheating husband and about one million fingers will be shaking at him over the next 12 months or so. Yet, after the dust settles in 2011, he's STILL a motorcycle god, he STILL married and banged a porn star, married and banged America's Sweetheart and then banged an ex-Amish (?) tattoo model, he STILL will have his endorsement and he STILL may earn a big ole alimony settlement. Sneaky says that while Sandy's grimacing through all those "Blind-Side" puns JJ will walk away from this with a cool new nickname, something like Jesse James-Thief of Hearts.

Dan Rather Exhausted!

Dan Rather must be damned exhausted because the elderly statesman seems to be aching for the tar and feathering that will allow him to sit down and maybe, just maybe finally learn how to retrieve his voicemail from his cellphone. Rather appeared on the Chris Matthews Show lauding Obama for being so articulate, but then trashed the president's powers of persuasion by saying, "But he couldn't sell watermelons, if you gave him the state troopers to flag down traffic." Whats this? Two with one blow? Mexicans and Blacks? Plus, we think his metaphor was a little weak anyway. Hmmm, let's try some madlibs? I'm sure Sneaky's readers can do a better job than old Danny.

"Obama couldn't sell Watermelon, if-______"

Write down your answers and email them to this blog...funniest one gets our half-finished bottle of peach schnapps. Hurry, we would hate to have to change it to a 3/4 finished bottle of schnapps.

And in other Gabby Sidibe News...

Oh,Gabby are you going to be our first Big Beautiful train-wreck? Shave your head? Rob your own apartment? Sleep with Kevin Federline? Not our Gabby!? Not Precious. Well, she's already getting a good start with several ill-advised sound bites. After announcing her crush on current Jennifer Aniston rebound-thing Gerard Butler, she declared that she found him "sexy" and she "would hit that." Gabby also gave Tyra a run for her money when she talked about her Oscar dress, "If this dress was porno, this would be the money shot." Gabby, if THAT dress were porno, there would be a volume 1 and a volume 2.

Where were you when you heard?

This morning at the Sneakysalmon offices, we were shocked and deeply saddened to discover that professional misogynist(Buddherface Beauty Pageant, Negligee and Underpants Party) Howard Stern had something NASTY to say about a young woman's body. We. Simply.Couldn't.Believe.It. Surprisingly, Howard doubted that Gabby Sidibe (Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore and maybe Susan Serandon literally all rolled into one) would be able to continue her high-profile acting career after her jaw-dropping turn in "Precious" and doubly described her as "enormous". So...is Howard just a big meanie? Or is he voicing a show biz truth that no one is ready to hear post-Oscar? Gabby's talent fortunately/unfortunately is also majestically huge and there is no way she can sorta blend in as the best friend or wacky roommate for a Katherine Hiegle type. Which means Gabby will have to compete against Katherine Heigle and Natalie Portman and Scarlett and Dakota and even Miley for leads that were written with that type of girl in mind. And even when the role does call for a plus-size, brown-skinned girl...she will still have to claw through Jennifer Hudson and Queen Latifah for the part. Will Gabby ever work in that town again? She's got two of the best fairy godmothers in Hollywood. Will Oprah Winfrey still have cash to fund interesting prestige film projects? Will Tyler Perry still be around to direct those projects? The real weight debate? Who carried the gigantic brief case full of cash used to bribe Howard into tagging Gabby on his national show? Three, four days after Oscar and we all know how to pronounce Gabby's last name AND how to spell it....Take that, Djimon Hounsou.

Put a Corky in it.

This week we had the unique pleasure of watching a train wreck inside of ANOTHER train wreck. Sarah 'giggles' Palin appeared on the Tonight Show ( recently re-hosted by Jay Leno) and successfully coughed up some pretty funny gags. The last time we saw the perpetually offended Palin, she was pissed off at Family Guy and its creator Seth Mcfarlane for featuring a character with special needs. Family guy HAS poked fun and satirically nuked people with cognitive disabilities and tossed around the term "retarded" a lot in the early part of the decade. Oh, yeah and Sneaky remembers a few jokes about prom-night-dumpster-babies, parent-endorsed teen suicide and rape victim Elizabeth Smart. Family Guy nukes everyone, and in fact the episode went incredibly light on the Chris' one-shot love interest. Ellen ( voiced by an actress with Down Syndrome) attends regular high-school and takes grade appropriate math, she's repeatedly described as pretty and seems a lot more socially apt than un-diagnosed Chris. She is demanding and bitchy though and the episode ends with Chris yelling, 'They say people with Down syndrome are sweet, BUT YOUR JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!" Thunk. Sorry, that was just the message hitting us in the head. Interesting, that Palin considers Down Syndrome too sacred for humor or satire when she named her son Trig. No, not like Trigonometry. Maybe like, Trisomy G, the cause of Down Syndrome.

10 to the 100th power, Kansas

For the next thirty days don't call it Topeka, call it Google. In an unprecedented case of saturation, the state capitol of Kansas is teching up its Luddite image with a temporary name change...to Google. What's next for 2011? Anticipate leaving your Googlejob, cashing your Googlecheck, taking out some Googlecash to Googlegas up your Googlecar, driving to your Googlehome, eating your Googlechow in front of Googletv, climbing into Googlebed to have Googlesex, with your Googlewife in her Googlehole. Google.