As if you didn't know

Ellen Degeneres claimed she wanted to eat Idol hopeful Alex Lambert 19, like a ripe banana...when we all know Ellen would rather have fish.

Insert Corny Joke about Tiger and Chinese New Year-here. Tiger apologizes.

Someone, must have stood in front of a mirror at midnight and said, "Filthy Cheater, Filthy Cheater, Filthy Cheater" because Tiger Woods has reappeared...with an apology! Tiger Woods staged his first press conference after his one car pile-up and the uncloseting of dozens and dozens of mistresses/cocktail waitresses. Tiger's Mama and Mama-in-Law watched from the sidelines during his choked and misty-eyed explanations. Elin, however was nowhere to be found at the time and rumor has it that the young, blond wife refuses to be photoged with her way-ward hubby...making him slightly less prestigious than past photo co-subjects like the Grand Canyon and the World's Biggest Ball of String. Tiger claimed that Elin had never struck him...we suppose burning a man's scrotum with icyHot isn't EXACTLY hitting.... Tiger capped it all off by saying that he will be returning to the religion of his youth-Buddhism, in hopes of improving his failing character and judgement. A pretty good apology in all, but sorta reminiscent of a weeping Jimmy Swaggart sometime circa '87. Except that instead of Jay-sus helping the guy keep his johnson in his slacks, it seems that Buddha will be doing the heavy lifting. Which is pretty ironic since Buddha is the nekkidest deity of them all.

Haitian Children compete for better standard of living and the chance to feel up Angelina Jolie!

Angelina Jolie is headed to Haiti, a country teeming with adoptable children. Isn't letting Angie loose in Haiti a little like letting Kirstie Ally loose in a Krispie Kreme? You know Angie isn't gonna leave Port-Au-Prince until she boxes up at least a dozen orphans! Six chocolate, six plain and throw in one of those squishy cream-filled ones.

As if you didn't know...

Even if Tommy Lee couldn't block ALL of Chris Brown's punches at that Super Bowl party...His "Billy Club" would still make an excellent weapon...

You gotta hand it to her...

The truth comes out about how Sarah Palin REALLY managed to score a diploma from Wasila High School...she ( please don't sue us) cheated! During Palin's speech she trashed Obama for being a "charismatic guy with a TelePrompTer" while reading notes she had scribbled on her palm in ball point. You can even see her lips moving as she reads! What else was written there? Sneaky scored some HD this past Xmas. Ahem... We have the full list!

Budget Cuts

Lift American Spirit

Righty Tighty/Lefty Loosey

Measure twice/cut once

A moment on the lips...a lifetime on the hips!

Do NOT flush applicator!

Two men enter...one man leaves!

Starve a fever/Feed a cold

Condoms ( Bristol)

Condoms ( Willow)

Peel back film from potatoes...Caution! Contents will be HOT!

Objects in mirror may be closer that they appear.

Calling Obama a "half-breed" is not a compliment.

You can't turn a "ho" into a housewife!

Leaves of three, let it be

Family Guy 8pm central

Refrigerate after opening

Caveat Emptor

More on what's written on the other hand later...

Zelda Rubinstein May 5th 1933-Januray 27th 2010

Zelda Rubinstein, the teeny-tiny psychic from Poltergeist died last week. Zelda worked for years as an actress and AIDS activist but also claimed to be an actual clairvoyant capable of exorcising demons and ghosts from people's homes. Unfortunately, Zelda died before she could make it to our place and declare our apartment "clean" of unwelcome spirits. We bring home ONE screaming demon head from Enclave and we wake up to him naked, scrambling eggs in our kitchen...figures.