Tiger Woods Black? White? THE ONLY GOLF STORY SNEAKY WILL RUN...EVER!

Tiger is White...He makes an average of 2 million dollars per week.

Tiger is Black...He makes 2 million dollars a week playing professional sports.

Tiger is White...The professional sport he plays is golf.

Tiger is Black...When he started making millions of dollars golfing, he married a white girl.

Tiger is White...He allegedly cheated on his hot wife with a third generation socialite with her own mob of paparazzi and expected it to remain a secret from the press.

Tiger is Black...He cheated on his hot wife and expected it to remain a secret from his wife.

Tiger is Asian...he totaled his SUV when he ran over a fire hydrant in his own front yard.

Tiger is White...He tried to escape a beating from his hot wife in $60,000 SUV.

Tiger is Black... Neighbors watched the whole thing.

Tiger is White... disturbed and concerned, neighbors then called the police.

Tiger is Black... the police arrive promptly at the scene.

Tiger is White...but, no one is arrested.

Tiger is Black...The police attempt to question Tiger...again.

Tiger is White...Tiger refuses to answer any questions and the boys in his legal department and a few interns from Industrial Light and Magic craft a touching new version of events that has Tiger's wife rescuing him from his smashed car. Local cops seen wearing new Nikes and golfing with titanium clubs.

Hmm, as Sneaky is writing this (from a Nordstrom's dressing room) the cops are still attempting to talk to Tiger and find out what exactly happened at the Wood's house after the turkey and stuffing. But look for more rumors that Tiger is stuffing it to Rach.

As if you didn't know...

Chaz Bono wants to sell you a used car!

Vivid's gets a copy of Prejean's solo act...R. Kelly instantly updates Netflix que.

Vivid legally obtained a recording of dethroned beauty queen and future nuclear physicist Carrie Prejean having 'hello kitty' time. But don't look for Prejan's blonde box in your neighborhood Red Box anytime soon... Vivid can't release the tape until quiz kid/beauty queen Prejean ok's the tape (which may actually be a cell phone recording...according to Prejean's brother...err) for distribution. And disputes over her age at the time are muddying the water too. If Prejean was 17, as she initially claimed...you will never...ever see Prejean's tape (outside of Amsterdam) since it would then be classified as child pornography...and Carrie herself could be charged! But, if she was 20 as Vivid now claims, it would simply mean that Prejean is just one more Girl Gone Wild eager to show the world how well her boob job went and the quality of her Brazilian. Sneaky gives her 10 months before she signs with Vivid, until then just tune into the Erin Andrew's Channel.

The Fat Lady sings...Oprah says its over! Sneaky cheated out of cash and valuable prizes!

A weeping and sniffling Oprah announced on Friday's episode that she would NOT continue the show after the 2010-2011 season. Was she breaking up with Chicago after its miserable Olympic bid? Was Gail...uuuhhh...Steadman threatening to leave her if she didn't spend more time at home? Chicago's meathead Mayor blamed the "media" for running her out of town, forgetting that since Winfrey has a network show, a cable channel, a book club, a website, a brand of spermicidal jelly, and several shows on Sirius satellite...Oprah is the "Media"!

How can you tell when a lesbian gets a divorce?

You would think the answer would be pretty obvious... you can count me as clueless because Rosie O Donnell's recently "in trouble" marriage to Kelly has been more or less over since the comic's wife moved out about two years ago. Did Donald Trump make good on his threat to get some boy hottie to lure Kelly back to team "B"? Or did she finally get tired of Rosie coming at her with a full leather dildo harness decorated with smiley faces?

As if you didn't know...

...What does copping your belly mean? Answer. It means pretending to be pregnant...when you're not...just to get attention! Rumor has it that the evil Heidi Montag and her equally evil lackey, Spencer did just that for the 4th season of The Hills.Though there is a strong possibility that drinking Nuvo may cause false positives on a pregnancy test, it's already pink!

We can dream...can't we?

Sneaky's career aspirations past, present and future...

Past: Replacing Kim as "Big Poppa's" new girlfriend...only with a bigger limit on the AmEx and without the progeria.

Present: Whoever gets to Vaseline Edward Norton's nipples before a marathon.

Future: De cluttering hoarder Victoria Beckham's house. We could roll around like a ferret in Daddy Beck's old underwear.

Hey! Wanna be in SHOW BUSINESS?

Of course! We all do!

Yet, you can't sing?

and quite possibly may be tone-deaf?

You crave a hit dance track, but your only talents are shopping, fellating Lee Najjar, and doctoring documents to make you officially fifteen years younger?

Well, Autotune can help!

Just add wine, bad extensions, a more talented friend and some other woman's husband and you too, can be eligible for a Grammy!

WARNING: The Grammy foundation is not responsible for injuries received while using the Grammy award to pry open a case of Chardonnay.

So, get Autotune now! They specialize in difficult cases...and tell em Kim sent ya'!

In your face!

Sneaky Salmon will be calling up a few old friends from our field hockey team, cause we'll be honoring Soupy Sales ( dead at 83) by eating a little pie.

Cheaters cheats...

After ten years of filming various hillbillies and hoodrats screwing around with best friends, co-workers, baby-sitters, in-laws, hookers, trannies, mistresses, gas-station attendants and goats, the syndicated hidden-camera reality show Cheaters was outed as a fake! Inside Edition dug the dirt and interviewed about a half dozen improv actors who claimed that they were coached and directed by the show's producers. Joey Greco's infamous stabbing at sea was included in the list of fraudulent episodes. Watch for Entertainment Tonight to leak behind-the-scenes gossip that Fonzie wasn't really turning on that juke box using his fist.

As if you didn't know...

...You don't put twenty inch rims on a Yugo.

Miley Cyrus in Sex and The City 2!

Bad joke of the 90's, Billy Ray Cyrus continues his revenge on the world by having spawn-child Miley appeaer in SATC 2! Miley pole dances, poses nekkid in Vanity Faire and dates underwear models. It's obvious to Sneaky that it won't be long before she meets "up the butt guy" and gets mugged for a pair of Jimmy Choo stilletos, but we're not sure a 16/17 year old belongs in a Sex and the City movie. And how do we know Miley will be pickin' and strummin' and singin' and a modelin'? Mario Cantone leaked it on The View! Other spoilers on the list include a possible pregnancy for Carrie, Big falling into some strange coochie, Samantha going through menopause ( again), and an international trip somewhere hot and brown where Charlotte may or may not schit her pants...again. The franchise certainly has turned a bit predictable. We watch a Three Stooges short we know someone is gonna get hit on the head with a frying pan. We watch SATC we know Sam is gonna fuck a stranger in semi-public place. That's what SATC gives us...something to believe in!

As if you didn't know...

I didn't collect enough candy last night to make up for the candy I hurled up, after seeing THIS!

After I take my Jennifer Garner super-energy pill,I'll be able to lift at least TEN babies!

Now, Now that second cup of coffee is not for Jennifer Garner's baby. If you look again you can see that Jen picked up a hash brownie to share with Serephina on the ride home.

Michael Strahan stars in new sitcom on Fox...

...and thanks to the wonders of HD, we'll be able to see the teeny tiny post-it note between the gap in his teeth..."Dear Michael, I owe you one tooth. Love, God."