For all our faithful readers and fellow killer Snarks...

We're taking some time off to kick a few old ladies down a few flights of stairs...but, we will be back September 28th, 2009.

Mother! I'm having a nightmare...and I can't wake up!

Maybe, she's trying to tell us she knows how Marilyn Monroe really died?

As if you didn't know...

The only reason Jay-z dropped a new album, was to pay for wife Beyonce's state-of-the-art wind machines.

Ok we get it...you're English!

Russell Brand was scheduled to host the 2009 VMA's, but instead the honor went to an 1880's British chimney sweep wearing ladies' knickers under a suit from the Jacqueline Smith collection at Sears. "Lick ya' balls Gov'na?"

As if you didn't know...

Just cause you're done with crack, doesn't mean crack is done with you.

I wanna do bad things with you.

The vibrator that is Trueblood ran out of batteries last night. If it was that easy to kill Maryanne what the hell was Sam waiting for? Sneaky has never found vampires cool or sexy and most vampire media is just ripped off ( um, Vampire Diaries, Twlight called it wants it's plot back) from older better stuff. But, Trueblood is pretty damn smart and it mostly remembers that to be a vampire you have to be a human first and humans are rarely beautiful, chiseled, kind, eloquent or graceful. In fact, Trueblood makes it pretty clear that dying, gaining superhuman strength and unlimited healing capacity would actually make a shitty asshole... more of a shitty asshole. Eric is euro trash sexy ( I'm pretty sure he would have blond pubes though, yeech!) in an evil kind of way and Bill is sweet...but why oh why is he the only vampire that seems to age faster than humans. Bill isn't scaring Sneaky, he's just making us reconsider Botox. And maybe a little under eye work. And some resurfacing won't hurt. Zoom bleaching. Anal bleaching...

Just for Variety...

Perez, Liz Smith, Micheal Musto, Joel McHale, Wendy Williams, Jeanette Walls, Wonkette, Danielle Fishel, every gossip, rumor-monger and tattle-tale...stand up and show some respect. The great Army Archerd has left the table.http://www.variety.com/index.asp?layout=bio&peopleID=1015

Taylor Swift doesn't care about Black people...

If she did the nineteen-year old would have stopped Kanye before he could commit career suicide at Sunday's VMA awards. Kanye ( complete with Egyptian hieroglyphics carved in his fro) interrupted Taylor's acceptance speech for Best female performance and announced that the award was basically stolen from Beyonce (Sneaky will never tell her age but it certainly reminded us of 'Ol dirty Bastard snatching the mic from Shawn Colvin at the 1998 Grammy's) Taylor looked mortified and we're pretty sure a single tear rolled down her cheek. Later cyborg Beyonce got to try out the new empathy chip she had implanted and she called Swift back on stage to complete her speech. And once Mrs. Jay-z was on her side, Kanye was going to need a radiation suit to survive all the fallout. Mr. K your Boss' wife pretty much called you an asshole for what you did. No wonder Kanye showed up on Leno a lot more shaken than his usual solipsisms would ever let him be. He was crying like he had just walked out of a screening of Schindler's List. Luckily it seems that his boss (Hova) is too busy letting Rhianna rebound off of him and his cigar ( Rhianna went out and Beyonce stayed home) to pay much attention to West saying mean things to white girls. It is hip-hop. And where the fuck was T-Pain?

As if you didn't know....

Noxema will not get the stains off a mattress after a"slippery when wet" baby-oil covered threesome...

If Perez can do it...so can I!

This week Perez promised Tyra Banks that he would no longer print mean rumors or nasty comments about celebuspawn or stars under the age of 18. In a show a solidarity Sneaky is also making the pledge to treat the embryonic and adolescent members of the media with the dignity and respect that such precious young ones deserve...but, is it wrong to tell Madonna that she's a horrible mother for not knocking those caterpillars off her daughter's forehead? Is waxing a sin in Kabalah? How bout just a bit of masking tape? Use that red string around yer wrist to thread that girls forhead. Just do something!

As if you didn't know...

Khloe Kard uses a mask as a sex toy...

Let's slam some Tequila!

Sneaky hates woman-beaters, but we despise false accusations. Tila Tequila had her ex boyfriend (pituitarily gifted) Linebacker NFL Shawne Merriman arrested for choking her and throwing her to the ground. The DA says there's zero evidence to charge him with anything, he says she was drunk at the time and he was trying to protect her and any wayward ducklings that might be crossing the road from her drunk ass, she says she wasn't drunk and in fact she is allergic alcohol. Allergic. To. Alcohol. Tila is at least 75 to 80 percent alcohol herself, like hand sanitizer. Which is completely ironic since she causes so many infections.

Sex in the City or Menopause in Manhattan

The Sex and the City sequel started taping this week and the spoilers are coming faster than Jason Biggs in American Pie. Miranda opens a pizza joint, festively plump Harry continues to worship shishka Charlotte and give her everything she wants, Samantha sucks a mile's worth of dick, and Carrie's vintage eggs somehow get fertilized by Big's cigar/scotch infused sperm. Probably the biggest surprise is robber-baron Big takes it on the chin for all the industrialists the audience can't get their hands on ( like Madhoff and Trump and Andrew Carnegie or something) and loses some of his chauffeur money and moves to a one bedroom. I'm guessing the rest of the planet has been nuked and irradiated in the Sex and the City universe since moving off the island is the chief dooms-day event. The Sex sequel even sports a meet-cute 80's flashback...when the girls were...younger. Sneaky has seen Patricia Fields' costume collection and it's great and all but it doesnt include a time machine to make Kim Catrall look 20-something or SJP look like she did when she was 18 and filmed Footloose. Does Manolo Blahnik make a magic wand?

Trust me, I'm VERY educational.

Sorry, it's been a while since Sneaky posted but, it is back to school time and the High School across the street from Sneaky's pad has an excellent lacrosse team and there's nothing we like better than 18 year olds walking down Clark street holding their sticks.