sneakysalmon

A Very Snooki Christmas

2011-11-10T17:50:00.000-08:00

At first we thought we were tuned into Sperm Donor: 74 kids and counting, when in fact it was actually a Very Snooki Christmas on HSN. Nicole Polizzi's HSN set was festooned with shiny pink aluminum foil, flaking gold glitter, leopard and zebra print and models so desperate for Christmas money that they were willing to model those horrible, puffy slippers that look like tennis shoes. Snooki hawked everything from perfume to Jersey Shore x-mas ornaments, to sunnies and purses and a stuffed version of her lovely-dubby "Crocodilly". And though panties were suspiciously absent from the Snooki collection, it does seem to be the fashion line "for the woman who has everything, and wants everything"...including crabs.

And Now for a Special Service Announcement for Ms. Demi Lovato...

2011-11-10T17:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Ms. Lovato;

Here at SneakySalmon studios, we noticed that you traded your usual raven locks for a new Titian red. Now, while we find the change most fetching and hold no hatred of the "ginger" members of the human race; we were quite alarmed at familiarity of your status both tonsorial and volupte. In short, Ms. Lovato, please remember that a "certain actress" started her career red-headed and dating Wilmar Valderaama and look what happened to that bitch.

Sincerely,

SneakySalmon

As if you didn't know...Dr. Conrad Murray found guilty!

2011-11-08T16:34:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes yes, Dr. Conrad Murder was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter after administering semi daily doses of general anesthesia to Michael Jackson. But what we want to know is...are Courtney Stoddard's titts ( is it wrong to call them titts if she's only seventeen?) real or not? Everyone at SneakySalmon studios tuned in to Monday's episode of Dr. Drew's Lifechangers to watch Courtney and daddy-husband Doug Hutchison defend their existence to the former sex-line radio host. Doc Drew called them "gross", because he was too polite to say what he really thought..."nasty". And a slightly shady plastic surgeon( doing what Stoddard's mom should have done months ago) wiped some of that make-up off her face in order to assess if she had been shot up with botulism around the openings where her eyes SHOULD be."Probably". But just as they were about to apply the wand to Court's novelty size fun-bags our local news affiliate cut in with footage of Conrad sweating like a hooker in church as the verdict was read and a news feed about Kim Kardashian scrolled across the screen. When they returned to our "Regularly scheduled program" Stoddard was back in that $20 dress from Forever 21. So, readers who saw it, what happened ? And What's next Abagail Breslin with calf implants? Elle Fanning's vaginal rejuvenation? Will the real world become like watching old 70's porn, where everyone looks "weird", because we have become so used to super-tweaked, engineered, crazy-quilt bodies and faces? We'll figure this one out later..we're late for an appointment to get our areola widened.

As if you didn't know...Beiber Edition

2011-11-07T10:20:00.000-08:00

After much debate at SneakySalmon studios we can't decide if Mariah Yeater is psycho or a gold-digger or a fame whore or a poor-mixed-up girl trying to self-sooth after the personal apocalypse of teen pregnancy or what exactly. Maybe, she and Feebs did do the nasty hanging from a bathroom purse hook. Or maybe she was too dippy, drunk and Beiberized to realize she was bouncing on a Justine Beiber look-alike from Winnebago, Wisconsin (our favorite theory) , you heard it hear first! Whatever the case we just got Baby Beiber's birth certificate e-mailed to us and Yeater's left-leaning scrawl left us rattled. The girl kinda writes like a psycho. And not in the way Sneaky writes like a psycho. On us its cute. She PRINTS like she only gets to practice with crayons and felt tip markers.

Momma Maybe, But Beiber's a baby!

2011-11-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

Smile, Justin Bieber's all grown-up just like mentor Usher. Let's see he's got a Christmas album, a perfume, a sold out concert tour AND a paternity scandal. Sigh. Sun-rise, sunset. Is it just us or do Mariah Yeater's descriptions of de-virginizing Beiber in a concert hall bathroom sound a little bit like a storyboard for a Flintstones' Vitamin commercial. Ya know, Chubby cheeked kids clomping around in 'mommy shoes' and chasing puppies into mud-puddles. Bubble-gum scented, clumsy, no-rotica. His maybe-baby-lady just turned twenty, while Feebs is sixteen which may make Yeater's infant exhibit "A" in both the paternity suit and a statutory rape case. Could Yeater be Jailed for Raping Justin Beiber? According to our lovely legal dept. at Sneaky Salmon studios ( muah, "M") it's pretty unlikely. Similar non-celebrity cases have reached but been turned away from the California supreme court. And Yeater could always withdraw her paternity suit until the statute of limitations run out on her rape case and simply pray that Beiber doesn't go broke in the meanwhile. And like many other states, Cali has a 'Romeo and Juliet' clause to its under-age rape cases. As long as the perpetrator (Chester the Molester) is less than three years older than the victim (Jail bait) , it will only be prosecuted as a misdemeanor. Good news for Yeater. And good news for all those football captains, you can keep boning those in-coming Freshmen for yeaaaars to come.

As if you didn't know...Kim's Wedding was Faked?!?

2011-11-06T10:49:00.000-08:00

Kim's Kardashian's million dollar nuptials to Frankenballer Kris Humphries was all a heavily scripted, over-produced television exxxtravaganZA. Allegedly. Also, that Nigerian prince who fell in love with you online and is desperately trying to get you to cash eight money orders for him....mmmmm....he isn't real either. Allegedly. Now, when your life is as heavily infiltrated/infested with media as Kim is even a change of hair style from straight to curly is a choreographed step toward another million and a new Hermes bag. Only Kim knows for sure if she meant what she said in front of her mom, step-dad, octo-siblings, dozens of producers and the fine people out in television land. Or if her fingers were crossed under that thousand dollar bouquet But, well...we all talked it over at Sneaky Salmon studios and we all agree we've seen better performances on re-runs of Operation Repo on TRUtv. The clue? Yes, she made a wheelbarrow of money. And yes, the entire relationship was shorter then Snookie's prom dress. But, the real tell was that the entire wedding party was attired head to toe in white and there's not a bride in America who's gonna let her future sister-in-law wear a white bridesmaid's gown. As if you didn't know....

As if you Didn't Know...Kardashian Edition

2011-11-05T10:40:00.004-07:00

Kardashian is not synonymous with "model". When KUWTK first debuted brother Rob was slated to be the world's next big male model. Rob got big alright, he entered Dancing with the Stars at 200+ pounds. And petite Kim has always modeled , showing off the snug fit of Lavin gown just as easily as she showed off the loose fit of entertainer Ray j's penis. Khloe stomped the runway in typical Sasquatch fashion at at this year's Fashion Week. Little sister Kendell is tall enough (thanks, Jenner genes) and pretty enough to work though her look is more American Eagle online catalog than Balenciaga. But, being a Kardashian is not some weird golden touch that rubs off on whoever touches it, even those who simply marry in. Witness Kaela Humphries. The girl is pretty . Of course, she's biracial and ALL biracial girls seem to be speed-pass cute. Almost too pretty to be FrankenBaller's baby sister, but she is a trifle robust. Kaela Humphries looks like she has probably humped her fair share of fries. Don't get us wrong, we love robust, soft, cuddly, spilling-out-all-over girls but in the modeling world of size quadruple zeros she is circus lady fat. Being a Kardashian, or tangential Kardashian is not enough to put you on the cat-walk. If we stop it now, we can stop an ocean of Kardashians, Jenners, Brodies, and Humphries from cluttering up our Italian Vogues.

As if you Didn't Know...Kardashian Edition

2011-11-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, you ever wonder (R.I.P Andy Rooney) why so much of the Kardashian news is ( false) pregnancy and miscarriage and anal bleaching and sister on sister coochie waxing and abortion and just generic rutting? This season even little sister Kendell got in on the act when daddy Bruce Jenner filled her prescription for birth control pills. Bruce offered his usual token freak out to which mom Kris simply responded that "...birth control pills help little girls with their cramps". Yeah, having your legs up in the air for a long time can give you cramps. Meanwhile, brother Rob has a pregnancy scare when Video Bootay-Bouncer Rosa Acosta announces that she is three weeks pregnant ( sorry E!, Seacrest, etc. there is no such thing as three weeks pregnant, for a woman NOT undergoing IVF doctors date pregnancies from four weeks on) and he is the only possible father. Rosa later recants and claims that she "miscarried" and that the baby didn't attach to her uterus ( sorry, again Kardashian, E! producers, etc. but if a joined egg/sperm don't implant a woman will NOT get a positive home ept). Okay, admit it everyone watching the Kardashians is a little like setting a bitch in heat loose in the local dog park, then taking bets on what breed her puppies will be. Sneaky's putting all our money on Labrapugadoodle Terrier.

As if you Didn't know... Kardashian Edition

2011-11-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

If you look oddly different from your siblings, say six foot tall and vaguely Irish in a family of tiny, dark Armenians...you MAY need to seek answers via DNA. When Khloe Kardashian found herself in that situation she decided to give Kris Jenner a maternity test! Now, we know that Dark Sith Lord Robert Kardashian is dead but she has three full...ahem..."biological" siblings just brimming with plenty on chromosomal evidence. Test them. And maybe fully expose where the "K' in her name came from. Keyparty.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090420124651AAeeH3v

Andy Rooney January 14,1919-November 4, 2011

2011-11-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

Did you ever wonder...if you spend years and years complaining and bitching and moaning about everything from asparagus to Xbox and then suddenly stop you might drop dead three weeks later? All that poison and cynicism and general incredulity diabolically backing up into your bile ducts? Sneaky thought about it. And now we're back and off our tether. Kim Kardashian this means you....

What Color Ribbon do you wear for THAT?!

2010-04-24T07:55:00.000-07:00

Heart disease, breast cancer and auto accidents are no longer the greatest threat to the health of America's women, reality television is. Yes, Ladies keep taking your vitamins, and getting Pap smears and buckling your seat belt but, if you truly value your life...stay the hell away from MTV, VH1, and Dancing With The Stars!

Early last year, Ryan Jenkins mangled his ex-wife like an over cooked steak at a backyard bbq, then tiny, Chilean Snookie (The Jersey Shore) received a career-making sucker punch on MTV's Jersey shore. In 2010 Rodney Alcala, a former contestant on The Dating Game was convicted of raping and murdering four women and kidnapping and murdering a twelve-year old. And BEFORE winning his episode of the Dating Game, bachelor number 1 served a 34-month sentence for raping an eight-year old girl. Before, not after-so it's no surprise that his bachelorette refused to honor her date even though a chaperon would be present the entire time.

Now, reality show PRODUCER Bruce Beresford Redman (Pimp My Ride and Survivor) is being held in Mexico on suspicion of strangling his wife during a lovely magical make up honeymoon. We've always suspected that the first step in getting cast on some of these shows is taking and failing the MMPI test. Personality disorder? Narcissistic? Borderline? Come right in! Sociopath?! Why, you get a spin-off all your own. But, Sneaky wonders if reality TV is actually toxic that the madness is actually starting to seep over into the production staff. How many times can you stop a fist fight between Flavor Flav and Vanilla Ice, before you start taking your work home? Your work and a strong desire to flip over a table a la Real Housewives of New Jersey?

Reality TV is crafted and manipulated to make their subjects seem like some one we know. So, as the numbers, names, and pictures mount we can't pretend it's not happening. It's partially why we tune in. Train wrecks are so new millenium...what we're seeing now is a maiden tied to the railroad tracks. Maiden Vs. Speeding Train. We all know how that one turns out. And if we miss it , we can catch it later on The Soup.

As if you didn't know...

2010-04-24T07:40:00.000-07:00

Jesse James took 121 shots in honor of Adolph Hitler's 121st birthday this week.

26+6= One HELL of an after-party!

2010-03-19T13:13:00.000-07:00

The sun is out, birds are singing, and Chicago is currently flooded with lummoxy Irish boys left over from the St.Pat's celebrations, hence we're doing a single post this week. Tiger or Jesse? Jesse or Tiger? Dumb or Dumber? We found a coin, flipped it and settled on Jesse James. And anyhow we're still so hung over from the 17th, that picturing Wood's choking, slapping, and tossing that red-headed porn star around might just make us hurl our ale and port ( Thanks, Nate!). Though, this whole Sandra/Jesse thing is pretty vomitrocious too. Just like this year's recent awards season there are both winners and losers.

Sandra loses-10-12 days after taking home a little golden man ( We mean Oscar not Ryan Seacrest) the news of James' infidelity opened the seal on an unabridged desk reference of jokes about her Blind-side and being Blind-Sided. Besides being cheated on, will she ever be able to hear the title of her most acclaimed work, without picturing Jesse sticking it to the Chickie on his desk in his office? Or was it the Sofa? Jesse seems like a rug-man to us.

Sandra Wins!- Before her husbands shenanigans came slithering out Sandra shared the title of "America's Sweetheart" with other actresses like Julia Roberts, Reese Witherspoon, and Jennifer Aniston. This week she's had "America's Sweetheart" slapped on her more times than dollar bills on a sweaty stripper's ass. Bullock, who really is a mediocre actress ( Did you see All About Steve?) and maybe a horrible director, can use all her post-divorce recuperation time to read the great scripts and projects she'll be offered. And she can wipe her weeping eyes on the wheelbarrow full of money by her bed.

Michelle "Bombshell"Loses-She slept with Sandra Bullock's husband...uh, didn't you hear Michelle? Sandra Bullock is America's Sweetheart! Didn't you see what happened to Kanye West when he just interrupted Taylor Swift? We understand that you left Amish country and discovered what buttons are and now your fascinated with flashing your umbilicus anytime someone even says the word 'pose'. Trust us, we get it. But, what are you going to do next Micky? Snap Dakota Fannings bra strap? Throw maxi pads at lil' Abagail Bresslin in the ladies' room? Expect a poorly drawn but scathingly written South Park episode all about you Michelle and how you helped break poor Sandra's heart.

Michelle " Bombshell" Wins!-Last week the cover of Tattoo Review Magazine, do they carry that at our local news stand? This week commentators from seven national gossip shows are trying to decipher her tats like she's the rosetta stone. The word "suicide" written across her throat, the "w" and "p" inked on her hamstrings...alledgedly standing for "white power"? Maybe standing for "word perfect" Maybe standing for "The Waldorf and The Plaza" (Hey, its where we stay when we're in NY.) Michelle, we love inked girls. We are inked girls. We like ink but, When you start printing messages to God ( and any interested extra-terrestrials) on your forehead...there is a crimp in your aluminum foil which can never be smoothed out. And if its true that Michelle keeps a coffin in her living room, she's a case that even Paxil can not help. Michelle, still wins though, cause psycho chicks get all the best sau-sage!

Tiger Wins!-The attention is off him for a while-because even if Elin is young, and hot, and Swedish and a twin...she's still...you know...foreign. The girls on The View aren't even sure how to pronounce her name. Elan, Ellen, Evola. She's got our sympathy for her dirt rascal of a husband cheating, she just doesn't have our empathy the way Sandy does.

And Finally, Jesse James Wins!-Well, of course he's a cheating husband and about one million fingers will be shaking at him over the next 12 months or so. Yet, after the dust settles in 2011, he's STILL a motorcycle god, he STILL married and banged a porn star, married and banged America's Sweetheart and then banged an ex-Amish (?) tattoo model, he STILL will have his endorsement and he STILL may earn a big ole alimony settlement. Sneaky says that while Sandy's grimacing through all those "Blind-Side" puns JJ will walk away from this with a cool new nickname, something like Jesse James-Thief of Hearts.

Dan Rather Exhausted!

2010-03-11T15:25:00.000-08:00

Dan Rather must be damned exhausted because the elderly statesman seems to be aching for the tar and feathering that will allow him to sit down and maybe, just maybe finally learn how to retrieve his voicemail from his cellphone. Rather appeared on the Chris Matthews Show lauding Obama for being so articulate, but then trashed the president's powers of persuasion by saying, "But he couldn't sell watermelons, if you gave him the state troopers to flag down traffic." Whats this? Two with one blow? Mexicans and Blacks? Plus, we think his metaphor was a little weak anyway. Hmmm, let's try some madlibs? I'm sure Sneaky's readers can do a better job than old Danny.

"Obama couldn't sell Watermelon, if-______"

Write down your answers and email them to this blog...funniest one gets our half-finished bottle of peach schnapps. Hurry, we would hate to have to change it to a 3/4 finished bottle of schnapps.

And in other Gabby Sidibe News...

2010-03-11T15:05:00.000-08:00

Oh,Gabby are you going to be our first Big Beautiful train-wreck? Shave your head? Rob your own apartment? Sleep with Kevin Federline? Not our Gabby!? Not Precious. Well, she's already getting a good start with several ill-advised sound bites. After announcing her crush on current Jennifer Aniston rebound-thing Gerard Butler, she declared that she found him "sexy" and she "would hit that." Gabby also gave Tyra a run for her money when she talked about her Oscar dress, "If this dress was porno, this would be the money shot." Gabby, if THAT dress were porno, there would be a volume 1 and a volume 2.

Where were you when you heard?

2010-03-11T14:18:00.000-08:00

This morning at the Sneakysalmon offices, we were shocked and deeply saddened to discover that professional misogynist(Buddherface Beauty Pageant, Negligee and Underpants Party) Howard Stern had something NASTY to say about a young woman's body. We. Simply.Couldn't.Believe.It. Surprisingly, Howard doubted that Gabby Sidibe (Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore and maybe Susan Serandon literally all rolled into one) would be able to continue her high-profile acting career after her jaw-dropping turn in "Precious" and doubly described her as "enormous". So...is Howard just a big meanie? Or is he voicing a show biz truth that no one is ready to hear post-Oscar? Gabby's talent fortunately/unfortunately is also majestically huge and there is no way she can sorta blend in as the best friend or wacky roommate for a Katherine Hiegle type. Which means Gabby will have to compete against Katherine Heigle and Natalie Portman and Scarlett and Dakota and even Miley for leads that were written with that type of girl in mind. And even when the role does call for a plus-size, brown-skinned girl...she will still have to claw through Jennifer Hudson and Queen Latifah for the part. Will Gabby ever work in that town again? She's got two of the best fairy godmothers in Hollywood. Will Oprah Winfrey still have cash to fund interesting prestige film projects? Will Tyler Perry still be around to direct those projects? The real weight debate? Who carried the gigantic brief case full of cash used to bribe Howard into tagging Gabby on his national show? Three, four days after Oscar and we all know how to pronounce Gabby's last name AND how to spell it....Take that, Djimon Hounsou.

Put a Corky in it.

2010-03-04T17:41:00.000-08:00

This week we had the unique pleasure of watching a train wreck inside of ANOTHER train wreck. Sarah 'giggles' Palin appeared on the Tonight Show ( recently re-hosted by Jay Leno) and successfully coughed up some pretty funny gags. The last time we saw the perpetually offended Palin, she was pissed off at Family Guy and its creator Seth Mcfarlane for featuring a character with special needs. Family guy HAS poked fun and satirically nuked people with cognitive disabilities and tossed around the term "retarded" a lot in the early part of the decade. Oh, yeah and Sneaky remembers a few jokes about prom-night-dumpster-babies, parent-endorsed teen suicide and rape victim Elizabeth Smart. Family Guy nukes everyone, and in fact the episode went incredibly light on the Chris' one-shot love interest. Ellen ( voiced by an actress with Down Syndrome) attends regular high-school and takes grade appropriate math, she's repeatedly described as pretty and seems a lot more socially apt than un-diagnosed Chris. She is demanding and bitchy though and the episode ends with Chris yelling, 'They say people with Down syndrome are sweet, BUT YOUR JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!" Thunk. Sorry, that was just the message hitting us in the head. Interesting, that Palin considers Down Syndrome too sacred for humor or satire when she named her son Trig. No, not like Trigonometry. Maybe like, Trisomy G, the cause of Down Syndrome.

10 to the 100th power, Kansas

2010-03-04T17:13:00.000-08:00

For the next thirty days don't call it Topeka, call it Google. In an unprecedented case of saturation, the state capitol of Kansas is teching up its Luddite image with a temporary name change...to Google. What's next for 2011? Anticipate leaving your Googlejob, cashing your Googlecheck, taking out some Googlecash to Googlegas up your Googlecar, driving to your Googlehome, eating your Googlechow in front of Googletv, climbing into Googlebed to have Googlesex, with your Googlewife in her Googlehole. Google.

As if you didn't know

2010-02-28T12:33:00.000-08:00

Ellen Degeneres claimed she wanted to eat Idol hopeful Alex Lambert 19, like a ripe banana...when we all know Ellen would rather have fish.

Insert Corny Joke about Tiger and Chinese New Year-here. Tiger apologizes.

2010-02-28T11:59:00.001-08:00

Someone, must have stood in front of a mirror at midnight and said, "Filthy Cheater, Filthy Cheater, Filthy Cheater" because Tiger Woods has reappeared...with an apology! Tiger Woods staged his first press conference after his one car pile-up and the uncloseting of dozens and dozens of mistresses/cocktail waitresses. Tiger's Mama and Mama-in-Law watched from the sidelines during his choked and misty-eyed explanations. Elin, however was nowhere to be found at the time and rumor has it that the young, blond wife refuses to be photoged with her way-ward hubby...making him slightly less prestigious than past photo co-subjects like the Grand Canyon and the World's Biggest Ball of String. Tiger claimed that Elin had never struck him...we suppose burning a man's scrotum with icyHot isn't EXACTLY hitting.... Tiger capped it all off by saying that he will be returning to the religion of his youth-Buddhism, in hopes of improving his failing character and judgement. A pretty good apology in all, but sorta reminiscent of a weeping Jimmy Swaggart sometime circa '87. Except that instead of Jay-sus helping the guy keep his johnson in his slacks, it seems that Buddha will be doing the heavy lifting. Which is pretty ironic since Buddha is the nekkidest deity of them all.

Haitian Children compete for better standard of living and the chance to feel up Angelina Jolie!

2010-02-12T16:03:00.000-08:00

Angelina Jolie is headed to Haiti, a country teeming with adoptable children. Isn't letting Angie loose in Haiti a little like letting Kirstie Ally loose in a Krispie Kreme? You know Angie isn't gonna leave Port-Au-Prince until she boxes up at least a dozen orphans! Six chocolate, six plain and throw in one of those squishy cream-filled ones.

As if you didn't know...

2010-02-10T15:20:00.000-08:00

Even if Tommy Lee couldn't block ALL of Chris Brown's punches at that Super Bowl party...His "Billy Club" would still make an excellent weapon...

You gotta hand it to her...

2010-02-10T14:40:00.000-08:00

The truth comes out about how Sarah Palin REALLY managed to score a diploma from Wasila High School...she ( please don't sue us) cheated! During Palin's speech she trashed Obama for being a "charismatic guy with a TelePrompTer" while reading notes she had scribbled on her palm in ball point. You can even see her lips moving as she reads! What else was written there? Sneaky scored some HD this past Xmas. Ahem... We have the full list!

Budget Cuts

Lift American Spirit

Righty Tighty/Lefty Loosey

Measure twice/cut once

A moment on the lips...a lifetime on the hips!

Do NOT flush applicator!

Two men enter...one man leaves!

Starve a fever/Feed a cold

Condoms ( Bristol)

Condoms ( Willow)

Peel back film from potatoes...Caution! Contents will be HOT!

Objects in mirror may be closer that they appear.

Calling Obama a "half-breed" is not a compliment.

You can't turn a "ho" into a housewife!

Leaves of three, let it be

Family Guy 8pm central

Refrigerate after opening

Caveat Emptor

More on what's written on the other hand later...

Zelda Rubinstein May 5th 1933-Januray 27th 2010

2010-02-10T14:24:00.000-08:00

Zelda Rubinstein, the teeny-tiny psychic from Poltergeist died last week. Zelda worked for years as an actress and AIDS activist but also claimed to be an actual clairvoyant capable of exorcising demons and ghosts from people's homes. Unfortunately, Zelda died before she could make it to our place and declare our apartment "clean" of unwelcome spirits. We bring home ONE screaming demon head from Enclave and we wake up to him naked, scrambling eggs in our kitchen...figures.

2009 was a Pretty year...

2010-01-08T13:26:00.000-08:00

...for Little Sicily Black Eye Cover-up for Ladies! It's getting dangerous out there girl, as real, alleged and false woman-beating incidents made the headlines, that is web site headers in 2009. Not only does there seem to be more incidents like the one that took place between Charlie Sheen and Brook Mueller, but people particular generation "Z" kids seem blase and apathetic about the idea of a guy going upside his girlfriends head. Polls showed again and again that high school chickies blamed RHIANNA for the beating incident earlier in the year. And tiny portly Snookie from Jersey Shore was knocked out and down while a bar full of pumped up, testosterone injected guys mostly just watched and sipped. Maybe the difference is that Gen Zero girls are more likely to stomp a guys face while wearing stilettos? And Amy Winehouse was sentenced to prison after slashing her husband Blake's face up like an old Van Halen concert T-shirt. Maybe they're thinking that as long as Ree-Ree was wearing her Jimmy Choos and 3 inches of glued on acrylics, that she and Chris were evenly matched?

2009 was a Pretty year...

2010-01-07T17:21:00.000-08:00

...for Oprah Winfrey, Nick Jonas, William Hung, George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Miley Cyrus, Harrison Ford, Johnny Depp, Rick Astley, Kanye West, and P. Diddy. Why? Yes, they're (almost) all hugely gifted. Yes, they're all pukingly rich. And yes, one or two of the names on the list have continued to hide their homosexuality from an increasingly curious public. So, why are these people so lucky? They're not dead, despite credible (what?! because SneakySalmon was caught with 2 balloons of nitrous, we're not credible?) news media reporting their deaths. Despite blurbs with pre-written obits...they are very much alive. Of course, Amy Winehouse certainly is dead and her whole career has been an extended Weekend at Bernie's style prank.

2009 was a Pretty year...

2010-01-07T17:04:00.000-08:00

...for Micheal Jackson's estate! Or rather Jackson's creditors. Maybe both? Before his death Jackson was in rehearsals for a world wide tour that would probably only have drawn die hard fans, baby boomers nostalgic for Mike's old nose and certain parties from major European cities that don't consider sex with minors any big deal. "This Is It" would either be a comeback or the final coffin nail in his career. But the former star's death on June 25th made headlines for months. What killed him? Who killed him? How did he come into possession of some white couple's children? The rehearsal footage was neatly packaged as a hit documentary film and a formerly failed greatest hit collection charted. Millions of (squabbled over) dollars rolled in and the Jackson brothers got a reality TV show and specifically Jermain Jackson got pink eye.

2009 Was a Shitty year...

2010-01-07T16:54:00.000-08:00

...for Michael Jackson! The 50 year old singer graduated from "Jesus Juice" but skipped the Ambien to treat his stubborn insomnia and used Prophyl instead, an intravenous medication used as a general anesthetic. Jackson had an in-house physician, and his doctor was present when Jackson died on June 25th in the home he shared with his children. But since the doctor was knocking Michael out on a semi-daily basis and attempted CPR while MJ laid on his bed, we think that Jackson's doctor is probably a doctor the way that Dr. Dre is a doctor or the way that Dr. Pepper is a pepper.

2009 was a Shitty year...

2010-01-07T16:36:00.001-08:00

...For Christian Audigier AKA Ed Hardy! In March of 2009 Sneaky broke down and purchased a cute, pink Ed Hardy Tshirt that hugged Sneaky's juggies and had boys bumping into fench posts while trying to read the tattoo-inspired script stretched across our chest. That was March, by November of 2009 Christian Audigier's empire had been destroyed by King of All Douches, Jon Gosselin. Once Jon got snapped by the papps wearing Ed Hardy jeans with embrodied tigers literally clawing thier way out of Jon's tiny asian ass, it was over for Audigier and Ed Hardy. That 90 dollar 'Love Kills Slowly' shirt is only good for washing the car in. After we turn it inside out.

2009 was a Pretty year...

2010-01-07T16:28:00.001-08:00

..for eight little kids who may have seen their parents relationship glow and burn like Hiroshima. But don't despair, those same 8 kids might finally, finally be allowed to blow bubbles, mouth off, scribble on the walls, get braces, get their periods, go to prom, crash a car, get fake id's and leave for college and generically just grow up...without the boys at The Learning Channel filming it all and wetting their beaks.

Ok, gang let's review! 2009 was a Pretty year...

2010-01-07T16:22:00.000-08:00

...For Lady Ga-Ga! She might look like a Belgian hooker with tertiary syphilis, but that nutty broad sure can pack a dance floor. If some of the gossip sneaky heard from her Gays in Boystown are true Ga-Ga may be packing 4-6 inches of disco stick in her jazzertard. Look for Ladyboy Ga-Ga in 2012. The Mayans predicted it.

2009 was a Shitty year...

2010-01-07T15:04:00.000-08:00

...to be skinny! And loopy. Lindsey launched a fashion line which may have actually been found goods that fell off a Salvation Army truck as it was leaving a dead drag queen's house...Mishca Barton was commited...uh...hospitalized to the sorta hospital where you can only write in MagicMarker, and you can't have a belt for your robe, and Britany Murphy just sorted faded away while we watched Zoey Deschanle do her quirky thing in 50 shades of blue in 500 Days of Summer. Former walking-dead Nicole Ritchie is looking loverly after having her second child and marrying a robust man, so adult onset anorexia ( also known as meth/herion) maybe officially gauche as we roll into the next decade. Next on the chopping block, all those portly pot heads...but only after Judd Apatow makes a few more flicks. Seth Rogan we love your big, beefy ass.

2009 was a Pretty year...

2010-01-07T14:50:00.000-08:00

..for being fat! Several networks launched reality series about bigness, bigatttude, and bigtacularness. More to Love ( the Bachelor's fat sister with a great personality) and Dance Your Ass Off! (DWTS's chubby cousin with a fantastic sense of humor ) pulled in great ratings and even greater sponsor with some discreet product placement. Most dating shows pan out for a shot of the moon or the ocean. More to Love panned out for a shot of a pepperoni pizza. And look for the cast of Precious( which ranges from an incredibly fat AND talented Gabby Sidibe to a chunky Mariah carey ) to sweep the awrds shows. The good news for the ladies? The Oscar isnt platted in gold, there's actually chocolate in there!

2009 Was a Shitty year...

2010-01-07T14:43:00.000-08:00

...for pants! Between Ga-Ga's previously saluted Jay-Jay and Uberrapper Lil Wayne's half on/half off post modern interpretation of trousers called...sagging ( that's sagging? When Sneaky's True Religions get stuck half ways, we figure its time to switch from southern fried to sashimi) putting yer pants on one leg at a time and tightening your belt, completely fell out of vogue.

Ba-Da-Bing!

2009-12-25T12:28:00.000-08:00

I guess Lil' Sicily Black Eye Cover-up for Ladies really will be sponsoring Jersey Shore since one of the "Guidettes" was one of the first casualties to a bar fight on the show. Though bar fight may be a little off ,since the female "Snooki" was sucker punched by a male gym teacher from NY! Constant readers know already how we feel about boys hitting girls...yes even really, really, really, definitely, certainly, very annoying girls like Snooki. But, to go up against a male gym teacher when your biggest daily physical achievement is getting your "pouf" high enough just isn't fair. The guy climbs "the rope" for a living. And this was no 1980's Alexis Carrington punch. This was a 1980's Mike Tyson style punch...Snooki got knocked the fuck out! and was left weeping on the barroom floor. Now, that probably happens every week but, this time it didn't involve 5 long island ice teas and a bottle of Xanax. Watch the footage here.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuynfY6LTRw

You've seen the Godfather? Meet the Godchildren.

2009-12-25T11:55:00.000-08:00

MTV's new reality hit/ Italian minstral show Jersey Shore has been losing sponsors (and their money) after allegations that the show stereotypes Italians as over tanned, over-gelled, pumped up, not-so-smart party monsters...in hot tubs. Domino's Pizza and American Family Insurance both ran away screaming from the controversy the show generated. But, they gained a new advertiser when a company that specializes in background checks jumped on the hype band wagon hoping that viewers might tune in and then check for their boyfriend's name on their state's sex offender list. Sneaky is pretty sure that the "Guidos and Guidettes" will continue to add to their rosters...look for Amalgamated Switchblade, National Cannoli, Little Sicily Black Eye Cover-up for Ladies and Ed Hardy to air commercials during the show's half hour slot.

Brittany Murphy 1977-2009

2009-12-25T08:19:00.000-08:00

Too Bad...

Alaina Reed-Amini AKA "Olivia" from Sesame Street 1946-2009

2009-12-25T07:47:00.000-08:00

So Sad...

....http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Sad_(Pottle-Hall)

And in other douche News...

2009-12-08T13:56:00.000-08:00

Watch Badgirls Club on Oxygen tonight and you'll get a chance to see Natalie Nunn, reality TVs first female douche or "DoucheHAG" if you will...in action.

Natalie claims to "run LA" and has been seen clubbing it up with Chris Brown...which can only mean one thing...Sneaky Salmon is finally letting Christopher off the hook for beating up Rhianna. Hitting girls is wrong, and punching Rhianna was especially wrong because he unleashed a flurry of interviews, magazine covers, and a soulfully autobiographical album...er. But if Chris Brown has been listening to that voice asking for an 8th shot of Patron and watching THAT face hover over the YKK on his zipper, he's obviously been punished enough.

Rootie, Tootie Fresh and Douch-y

2009-12-08T13:44:00.000-08:00

Oh, Tiger...last time Sneaky checked in on you (from the Nordstrom's dressing room) we were trying to figure out if you were Black or White and YOU and Blondie were denying that there was any trouble in paradise. Well, the results are back from the lab in Helsinki and it turns out that you are neither Black nor White but simply a Douche..a category that exists across all ethnic groups, boarders and racial divides. And you Mr. Woods are a douche because you boinked an "Amber" on the compound without a condom! In fact, ladies if you wear an apron and carry a tray there's a pretty good chance that YOU too...could boink Tiger Woods. C'mon Tiger, first Rach, then that stringy broad from VH1's Tool Academy, then a random cocktail waitress, a porn star (ok, the Pornie was sorta cool) and a waitress from Perkin's. Perkin's is where waitresses go to work when they test positive for meth and get fired from IHOP. What next the girl who cuts the biscuits at KFC? The hairnet-lady who fries up Cajun sausages at Costco? Those sausages are yummy though, chase em with Gatorade and Ambien and you got yourself a party.

Tiger Woods Black? White? THE ONLY GOLF STORY SNEAKY WILL RUN...EVER!

2009-11-29T08:00:00.000-08:00

Tiger is White...He makes an average of 2 million dollars per week.

Tiger is Black...He makes 2 million dollars a week playing professional sports.

Tiger is White...The professional sport he plays is golf.

Tiger is Black...When he started making millions of dollars golfing, he married a white girl.

Tiger is White...He allegedly cheated on his hot wife with a third generation socialite with her own mob of paparazzi and expected it to remain a secret from the press.

Tiger is Black...He cheated on his hot wife and expected it to remain a secret from his wife.

Tiger is Asian...he totaled his SUV when he ran over a fire hydrant in his own front yard.

Tiger is White...He tried to escape a beating from his hot wife in $60,000 SUV.

Tiger is Black... Neighbors watched the whole thing.

Tiger is White... disturbed and concerned, neighbors then called the police.

Tiger is Black... the police arrive promptly at the scene.

Tiger is White...but, no one is arrested.

Tiger is Black...The police attempt to question Tiger...again.

Tiger is White...Tiger refuses to answer any questions and the boys in his legal department and a few interns from Industrial Light and Magic craft a touching new version of events that has Tiger's wife rescuing him from his smashed car. Local cops seen wearing new Nikes and golfing with titanium clubs.

Hmm, as Sneaky is writing this (from a Nordstrom's dressing room) the cops are still attempting to talk to Tiger and find out what exactly happened at the Wood's house after the turkey and stuffing. But look for more rumors that Tiger is stuffing it to Rach.

As if you didn't know...

2009-11-29T07:56:00.000-08:00

Chaz Bono wants to sell you a used car!

Vivid's gets a copy of Prejean's solo act...R. Kelly instantly updates Netflix que.

2009-11-22T08:24:00.000-08:00

Vivid legally obtained a recording of dethroned beauty queen and future nuclear physicist Carrie Prejean having 'hello kitty' time. But don't look for Prejan's blonde box in your neighborhood Red Box anytime soon... Vivid can't release the tape until quiz kid/beauty queen Prejean ok's the tape (which may actually be a cell phone recording...according to Prejean's brother...err) for distribution. And disputes over her age at the time are muddying the water too. If Prejean was 17, as she initially claimed...you will never...ever see Prejean's tape (outside of Amsterdam) since it would then be classified as child pornography...and Carrie herself could be charged! But, if she was 20 as Vivid now claims, it would simply mean that Prejean is just one more Girl Gone Wild eager to show the world how well her boob job went and the quality of her Brazilian. Sneaky gives her 10 months before she signs with Vivid, until then just tune into the Erin Andrew's Channel.

The Fat Lady sings...Oprah says its over! Sneaky cheated out of cash and valuable prizes!

2009-11-22T07:54:00.000-08:00

A weeping and sniffling Oprah announced on Friday's episode that she would NOT continue the show after the 2010-2011 season. Was she breaking up with Chicago after its miserable Olympic bid? Was Gail...uuuhhh...Steadman threatening to leave her if she didn't spend more time at home? Chicago's meathead Mayor blamed the "media" for running her out of town, forgetting that since Winfrey has a network show, a cable channel, a book club, a website, a brand of spermicidal jelly, and several shows on Sirius satellite...Oprah is the "Media"!

How can you tell when a lesbian gets a divorce?

2009-11-22T07:30:00.001-08:00

You would think the answer would be pretty obvious... you can count me as clueless because Rosie O Donnell's recently "in trouble" marriage to Kelly has been more or less over since the comic's wife moved out about two years ago. Did Donald Trump make good on his threat to get some boy hottie to lure Kelly back to team "B"? Or did she finally get tired of Rosie coming at her with a full leather dildo harness decorated with smiley faces?

As if you didn't know...

2009-11-14T18:27:00.000-08:00

...What does copping your belly mean? Answer. It means pretending to be pregnant...when you're not...just to get attention! Rumor has it that the evil Heidi Montag and her equally evil lackey, Spencer did just that for the 4th season of The Hills.Though there is a strong possibility that drinking Nuvo may cause false positives on a pregnancy test, it's already pink!

We can dream...can't we?

2009-11-07T08:31:00.000-08:00

Sneaky's career aspirations past, present and future...

Past: Replacing Kim as "Big Poppa's" new girlfriend...only with a bigger limit on the AmEx and without the progeria.

Present: Whoever gets to Vaseline Edward Norton's nipples before a marathon.

Future: De cluttering hoarder Victoria Beckham's house. We could roll around like a ferret in Daddy Beck's old underwear.

Hey! Wanna be in SHOW BUSINESS?

2009-11-07T08:14:00.000-08:00

Of course! We all do!

Yet, you can't sing?

and quite possibly may be tone-deaf?

You crave a hit dance track, but your only talents are shopping, fellating Lee Najjar, and doctoring documents to make you officially fifteen years younger?

Well, Autotune can help!

Just add wine, bad extensions, a more talented friend and some other woman's husband and you too, can be eligible for a Grammy!

WARNING: The Grammy foundation is not responsible for injuries received while using the Grammy award to pry open a case of Chardonnay.

So, get Autotune now! They specialize in difficult cases...and tell em Kim sent ya'!

In your face!

2009-11-07T08:08:00.000-08:00

Sneaky Salmon will be calling up a few old friends from our field hockey team, cause we'll be honoring Soupy Sales ( dead at 83) by eating a little pie.

Cheaters cheats...

2009-11-07T07:54:00.000-08:00

After ten years of filming various hillbillies and hoodrats screwing around with best friends, co-workers, baby-sitters, in-laws, hookers, trannies, mistresses, gas-station attendants and goats, the syndicated hidden-camera reality show Cheaters was outed as a fake! Inside Edition dug the dirt and interviewed about a half dozen improv actors who claimed that they were coached and directed by the show's producers. Joey Greco's infamous stabbing at sea was included in the list of fraudulent episodes. Watch for Entertainment Tonight to leak behind-the-scenes gossip that Fonzie wasn't really turning on that juke box using his fist.

As if you didn't know...

2009-11-07T07:52:00.000-08:00

...You don't put twenty inch rims on a Yugo.

Miley Cyrus in Sex and The City 2!

2009-11-01T07:40:00.001-08:00

Bad joke of the 90's, Billy Ray Cyrus continues his revenge on the world by having spawn-child Miley appeaer in SATC 2! Miley pole dances, poses nekkid in Vanity Faire and dates underwear models. It's obvious to Sneaky that it won't be long before she meets "up the butt guy" and gets mugged for a pair of Jimmy Choo stilletos, but we're not sure a 16/17 year old belongs in a Sex and the City movie. And how do we know Miley will be pickin' and strummin' and singin' and a modelin'? Mario Cantone leaked it on The View! Other spoilers on the list include a possible pregnancy for Carrie, Big falling into some strange coochie, Samantha going through menopause ( again), and an international trip somewhere hot and brown where Charlotte may or may not schit her pants...again. The franchise certainly has turned a bit predictable. We watch a Three Stooges short we know someone is gonna get hit on the head with a frying pan. We watch SATC we know Sam is gonna fuck a stranger in semi-public place. That's what SATC gives us...something to believe in!

As if you didn't know...

2009-11-01T07:11:00.000-08:00

I didn't collect enough candy last night to make up for the candy I hurled up, after seeing THIS!

After I take my Jennifer Garner super-energy pill,I'll be able to lift at least TEN babies!

2009-11-01T07:06:00.000-08:00

Now, Now that second cup of coffee is not for Jennifer Garner's baby. If you look again you can see that Jen picked up a hash brownie to share with Serephina on the ride home.

Michael Strahan stars in new sitcom on Fox...

2009-11-01T07:01:00.000-08:00

...and thanks to the wonders of HD, we'll be able to see the teeny tiny post-it note between the gap in his teeth..."Dear Michael, I owe you one tooth. Love, God."

As if you didn't know...

2009-10-20T17:56:00.000-07:00

Blonde's inhumanity to brunettes did not reach an all new height last week.

That tired little girl at the Awards show was not forced to carry the train of Pamela Anderson's dress. It was actually a bundle of extra skin that Pam keeps on hand...just in case.

Because I got High! Beacuse I got High...

2009-10-20T17:21:00.000-07:00

Back when sneaky was still dating, rather than "hookin' up", she dated a sweet geek with great oral technique and a total Android's Dungeon fixation on Batman/Dark Knight comics. Well, you have to do something while the bong is being re lit and and reading old DC comics sorta count as something. No matter how many people were potential blown up by the Joker, no matter how many banks the Riddler robbed, no matter how many dildos the Clittickler shorted out...they always ended up in the Arkham Asylum For the Criminally Insane. Rotting there with 1 million other maniacs until they escaped or something. A little like Mr. Chang's in LA. Or Reality TV. First we had corpse groom Richard Jenkins on Megan Wants a Millionaire, now we have probable wife-beater Richard Heegan( a refuge from Wife Swap) attempting to re-enter reality world by faking a weather balloon taking flight with his kid ahem Falcon ahem inside! During the massive search at least 2 planes and 5 networks showed up trying to find ahem Falcon ahem. Once it was exposed as an alleged ( obvious) hoax all sorts of criminal charges started brewing including a conspiracy charge involving a major media source. Sneaky is certain that the conspiracy reaches back yeeeeeaaaars! Who names their kid Falcon?! They probably were hatching this very special balloon hoax from the moment the kid was born. Hence naming the poor kid ahem Falcon ahem. There had to be some shady backroom deal with the Mac people going down when Gwen Paltrow named her spawn Apple.

As if you didn't know...

2009-10-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

Jon Gosselin your daughter's name is spelled with one "d" not two.

It's a 3 skank job.

2009-10-11T08:18:00.000-07:00

Three new blonds are moving into the Playboy mansion to replace Holly, Bridget, and Kendra. Hef is keeping the incest theme going in 2009 and two of the girls are indeed sisters AND twins. Maybe one girl boinks him and the other two defibrillate him? Hef should add a seeing-eye dog to the mansion menagerie because he's following up the Heidi Montag mud photo spread with a pictorial of a poorly lippo'ed 33 year old Tyra Reid! Posing for Playboy used to mean something, now its quick self-esteem booster for any unlikable "six" who asks nicely enough, it's the Hollywood version of getting a makeover at the Clinique counter.

I guess that's why they call it the blues.

2009-10-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

This September, Elton John and his husband David Furnish were unable to adopt a toddler from Romania. Several reasons were cited for the refusal including an over abundance of scrotum in the celebrity marriage. Seems that growing up an AIDS orphan in soul grinding poverty in a developing country trumps having to see your dad kiss your other dad on the family's private jet every time they jaunt off to a baptism at Buckingham palace. Hmm, Sneaky wouldn't mind being adopted by Daddy Elton and Papa David! Romanian law also states that prospective parents must be no more than 46 years older than potential adoptees. Unfortunately, similar laws aren't in place to protect Romanian mail-order sex brides.

The boy can't help it..

2009-10-11T07:43:00.000-07:00

Attention TMZ, Perez, Etc. Etc.! If Mickey Rourke couldn't stop himself from getting enough plastic surgery to turn himself into a human hemorrhoid, there is no way he's going to be able to stop himself from saying Fa99ot7...over and over and over again.http://www.tmz.com/2009/10/11/mickey-rourke-i-meant-what-i-said/

And Next week on The MacKenzie Philips Show...

2009-10-11T07:31:00.001-07:00

Uh, Oh little MacKenzie, Roman Polanski won't be taking you to the big dance...looks like its another Blockbuster night at home with Daddy.

*DE-voRcr Boi!

2009-10-11T07:15:00.001-07:00

In her 2006 ceremony to Sum 41 musician Deryck Whebley, Avril Lavigne married as a blond with pink bridesmaids' dresses and a pave cross on a tasteful chain. Three years later she's divorcing as a brunette complete with a cheesy tattoo of his initial on her wrist and an upcoming album of heart wrenching "honest"songs about all her dreams being crushed like a house of cards. Or something. Just picture P!nk and Carey Hart without the award winning album and the nice-guy cameo in the ex's video...and the reconciliation.

What I did on my summer vacation...

2009-10-11T06:16:00.001-07:00

Looks like Lilo waited until labor day weekend to complete her independant project for Paris Fashion Week. The fashions showcased at the Ungaro show seemed to cater to the three types of chicks you find at porn conventions; short minidresses for girls with Vivid Video contracts, lots of ironic heart shaped nipple pasties for Suicide Girls with daddy issues and 80's style sequined Knott's Landing bolero jackets with harem pants for vintage actresses who need a bit more room in the seat. Of course the most interesting thing to come down the runway was Lilo's face, which seemed to be a sad mix of plastic surgery and Paxil. What happened? Sneaky thought that Sam Roson was going to save Lohan's life with two turntables and a who lotta pussy eating?

Kanye West Self-Destruct Meter

2009-10-05T17:31:00.000-07:00

Lady GaGa throws Kanye off her tour...

Level: Nike

As if you didnt know...

2009-10-05T17:22:00.001-07:00

TMZ sucks! In yesterday's broadcast they identified former NFL player Terry Crews as "that guy from Friday". Since Sneaky is pretty sure they didn't mean Ice Cube we're guessing they meant the guy who plays Deebo... Tom Lister, Jr. and his jacked-up eye. If their fact checkers weren't all high on skunk they would have noticed the mistake when they ran the film clip. Sneaky's fact checkers are high on several over the knee spamkings a day and you can see the difference in every post.

As if you didn't know...

2009-10-05T17:09:00.000-07:00

The economy must be bad, the Kardashian girls are sharing everything. Kourtney gets knocked up and Khloe gets the sham shotgun wedding ( to an LA Laker) with a David's Bridal dress. Man and wife (also a man) have known each other for a little less than eight weeks, so Sneaky is guessing that he hasn't seen her without her extensions or with her penis untucked. Though that must have made for a great garter toss.

Kanye West Self-Destruct Meter...

2009-10-05T17:04:00.001-07:00

Barack Obama calls Kanye a jackass...

Level: Adidas.

John and Kate plus Hate

2009-10-05T16:49:00.000-07:00

Seems like John Gosselin is attempting to take Chris Brown's "Pussy Weight Champion of The
World" title away from him. Chris Brown beat up Rhianna and wore some ugly clothes and tacky jewelry, John Gosselin Keeps falling into 20something coochie and allegedly emptied out Kate's bank account! Gosselin seems mighty pissed off that TLC was going to continue taping his testicular investment AKA as his eight school age children. A couple of signatures later $235,000 dollars was gone and Kate was left with 1 thousand bucks in the bank. John's lawyer says Kate's money is safe and sound. Kate claims to be so devastated that she's removed her wedding ring and will replace it with a simple ring with "eight tiny diamonds". Sorry, Kate but Sneaky knows diamonds and a thousand bucks will only get you a ring with 1 tiny diamond. Or the first down payment on breast implants...either one.

For all our faithful readers and fellow killer Snarks...

2009-09-27T06:46:00.001-07:00

We're taking some time off to kick a few old ladies down a few flights of stairs...but, we will be back September 28th, 2009.

Mother! I'm having a nightmare...and I can't wake up!

2009-09-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

Maybe, she's trying to tell us she knows how Marilyn Monroe really died?

As if you didn't know...

2009-09-15T10:45:00.001-07:00

The only reason Jay-z dropped a new album, was to pay for wife Beyonce's state-of-the-art wind machines.

Ok we get it...you're English!

2009-09-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

Russell Brand was scheduled to host the 2009 VMA's, but instead the honor went to an 1880's British chimney sweep wearing ladies' knickers under a suit from the Jacqueline Smith collection at Sears. "Lick ya' balls Gov'na?"

As if you didn't know...

2009-09-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

Just cause you're done with crack, doesn't mean crack is done with you.

I wanna do bad things with you.

2009-09-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

The vibrator that is Trueblood ran out of batteries last night. If it was that easy to kill Maryanne what the hell was Sam waiting for? Sneaky has never found vampires cool or sexy and most vampire media is just ripped off ( um, Vampire Diaries, Twlight called it wants it's plot back) from older better stuff. But, Trueblood is pretty damn smart and it mostly remembers that to be a vampire you have to be a human first and humans are rarely beautiful, chiseled, kind, eloquent or graceful. In fact, Trueblood makes it pretty clear that dying, gaining superhuman strength and unlimited healing capacity would actually make a shitty asshole... more of a shitty asshole. Eric is euro trash sexy ( I'm pretty sure he would have blond pubes though, yeech!) in an evil kind of way and Bill is sweet...but why oh why is he the only vampire that seems to age faster than humans. Bill isn't scaring Sneaky, he's just making us reconsider Botox. And maybe a little under eye work. And some resurfacing won't hurt. Zoom bleaching. Anal bleaching...

Just for Variety...

2009-09-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

Perez, Liz Smith, Micheal Musto, Joel McHale, Wendy Williams, Jeanette Walls, Wonkette, Danielle Fishel, every gossip, rumor-monger and tattle-tale...stand up and show some respect. The great Army Archerd has left the table.http://www.variety.com/index.asp?layout=bio&peopleID=1015

Taylor Swift doesn't care about Black people...

2009-09-15T09:12:00.000-07:00

If she did the nineteen-year old would have stopped Kanye before he could commit career suicide at Sunday's VMA awards. Kanye ( complete with Egyptian hieroglyphics carved in his fro) interrupted Taylor's acceptance speech for Best female performance and announced that the award was basically stolen from Beyonce (Sneaky will never tell her age but it certainly reminded us of 'Ol dirty Bastard snatching the mic from Shawn Colvin at the 1998 Grammy's) Taylor looked mortified and we're pretty sure a single tear rolled down her cheek. Later cyborg Beyonce got to try out the new empathy chip she had implanted and she called Swift back on stage to complete her speech. And once Mrs. Jay-z was on her side, Kanye was going to need a radiation suit to survive all the fallout. Mr. K your Boss' wife pretty much called you an asshole for what you did. No wonder Kanye showed up on Leno a lot more shaken than his usual solipsisms would ever let him be. He was crying like he had just walked out of a screening of Schindler's List. Luckily it seems that his boss (Hova) is too busy letting Rhianna rebound off of him and his cigar ( Rhianna went out and Beyonce stayed home) to pay much attention to West saying mean things to white girls. It is hip-hop. And where the fuck was T-Pain?

As if you didn't know....

2009-09-12T10:50:00.000-07:00

Noxema will not get the stains off a mattress after a"slippery when wet" baby-oil covered threesome...

If Perez can do it...so can I!

2009-09-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

This week Perez promised Tyra Banks that he would no longer print mean rumors or nasty comments about celebuspawn or stars under the age of 18. In a show a solidarity Sneaky is also making the pledge to treat the embryonic and adolescent members of the media with the dignity and respect that such precious young ones deserve...but, is it wrong to tell Madonna that she's a horrible mother for not knocking those caterpillars off her daughter's forehead? Is waxing a sin in Kabalah? How bout just a bit of masking tape? Use that red string around yer wrist to thread that girls forhead. Just do something!

As if you didn't know...

2009-09-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

Khloe Kard uses a mask as a sex toy...

Let's slam some Tequila!

2009-09-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

Sneaky hates woman-beaters, but we despise false accusations. Tila Tequila had her ex boyfriend (pituitarily gifted) Linebacker NFL Shawne Merriman arrested for choking her and throwing her to the ground. The DA says there's zero evidence to charge him with anything, he says she was drunk at the time and he was trying to protect her and any wayward ducklings that might be crossing the road from her drunk ass, she says she wasn't drunk and in fact she is allergic alcohol. Allergic. To. Alcohol. Tila is at least 75 to 80 percent alcohol herself, like hand sanitizer. Which is completely ironic since she causes so many infections.

Sex in the City or Menopause in Manhattan

2009-09-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

The Sex and the City sequel started taping this week and the spoilers are coming faster than Jason Biggs in American Pie. Miranda opens a pizza joint, festively plump Harry continues to worship shishka Charlotte and give her everything she wants, Samantha sucks a mile's worth of dick, and Carrie's vintage eggs somehow get fertilized by Big's cigar/scotch infused sperm. Probably the biggest surprise is robber-baron Big takes it on the chin for all the industrialists the audience can't get their hands on ( like Madhoff and Trump and Andrew Carnegie or something) and loses some of his chauffeur money and moves to a one bedroom. I'm guessing the rest of the planet has been nuked and irradiated in the Sex and the City universe since moving off the island is the chief dooms-day event. The Sex sequel even sports a meet-cute 80's flashback...when the girls were...younger. Sneaky has seen Patricia Fields' costume collection and it's great and all but it doesnt include a time machine to make Kim Catrall look 20-something or SJP look like she did when she was 18 and filmed Footloose. Does Manolo Blahnik make a magic wand?

Trust me, I'm VERY educational.

2009-09-12T08:51:00.000-07:00

Sorry, it's been a while since Sneaky posted but, it is back to school time and the High School across the street from Sneaky's pad has an excellent lacrosse team and there's nothing we like better than 18 year olds walking down Clark street holding their sticks.

Angie has Daddy, Mommy AND Brother issues.

2009-08-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

What is that weird stuff on Brad Pitt's neck in Inglourious Basterds? Character make-up, auto-erotic asphixiation or a real life scar after trying to slit his own throat when he realized he made babies with the hottest psycho...ever!

Lindsay! Craziness is contagious just like cooties...don't let your heads touch!

2009-08-30T08:43:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan DoomsdayClock:

9 minutes to midnight.

Good asswipes never die...they just flap in the breeze.

2009-08-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

1. A douche will spend hours talking about how "good" his life is. 2.A Royal douche will video-tape himself, talking about how "good" his life is.

Ryan Jenkins murderer and Super douche committed suicide by hanging in a British Columbia hotel this week. Jenkins murdered and desecrated model/Amber Jasmine Fiore and at least one VH1 show ( Megan Wants a Millionaire) and now possibly a second VH1 reality show will have to be canned thanks to Jenkins. Jenkins appeared on I love Money 3 along with the usual band of cast-offs and told friends that he walked away with the $250,000 dollar grand prize. Sneaky has serious doubts he won anything and believes a good part of that net-worth was Fiore's. He had 2.2 million dollar net worth and an additional quarter grand and he hangs himself...with a belt...in Canada...in a $100 dollar a night hotel? Living the dream, Living the dream.http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=5262442n

Judge confirms, Chris Brown "Pussy Weight Champion of the World"!

2009-08-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

The Pussy Weight Champion of the world got no real punishment this week for the bare-knuckle beating he gave then-girl friend Rhianna. He got 5 years probation and has been barred from contacting Ree Ree in person, by phone, letter, e-mail, third parties, smoke signals, Morse Code, or passenger pigeon. If he breaks his conditions, it's on to prison for a little Kiss Kiss Kiss and a tossed salad. We learned a lot about Pussy and his life with Ree Ree from the transcripts. Including the fact that they have been fighting like Popeye and Bluto all over the west coast for months before his arrest. And despite the fact that Pussy managed to drive AND beat the hell out of Rhianna( left turn, punch... brake and slap) Ree thought the conditions of his probation were too harsh and wanted them lifted. Don't they have Tyler Perry movies in Barbados? Next time he will knock you out, Girl. Although, Pussy is possessed by the spirit of Rick James and I guess she isn't worried about running into him at the Grammy's, charitable functions or poetry readings or anything like that.

Hey Dj...1973-2009

2009-08-30T06:56:00.000-07:00

Is Death the new Iphone this year? Celebrities are lining five deep to meet an untimely demise in '09. It seems after Micheal's in-home anesthesia in June its been a steady, hot, stream...some respected and ancient like Dominick Dunn and Walter Cronkite, some iconic and early like John Hughes and Naomi Sims, a couple of Kennedys cause that's what they do best, and more than a few in the young, cracked out and stupid category. And Sneaky is gonna have to drop a tear and dry it, cause it looks Like DJ AM ( Adam Goldstein) has fallen into the last category, allegedly by suicide. And maybe, probably, allegedly involving a baggie of crack, though AM claimed to be clean as a whistle for years, prior to a buddy finding him unresponsive early Friday morning. The "maybe" suicide note was a posting on Twitter( you lose points for that AM) "New York, New York big City of dreams, but everything in New York ain't always what it seems." It's like the Divinci code! Adam had an earlier failed suicide attempt, but ironically for some people there is nothing like a near death experience to push them closer to suicide. For Goldstein it may have been the horrific 2008 plane crash he and drummer Travis Barker survived, for Kurt Cobain it was boning Courtney Love. DJ worked hard to clean up his life after being addicted to absolutely everything, including food. But, his list of mourners does include several members of the Nickelodeon Drug Cartel ( Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan, Heidi Montag, and one of those Kardashians) so it may be no surprise that Goldstein may have become strung-out and accidentally ( on purpose) taken just a wee-bit too much. Keep spinning DJ, New york ain't what it seems, but Heaven is a dance floor.

opps! He'll do it again...

2009-08-21T20:28:00.000-07:00

Chris "Pussy Weight Champion of the world" Brown has been buzzing around LA in a shtiny (shitty and shiny) name plate chain reading "opps!" ( rented like that Lambo? ) and a lot of 80's style Cross Color, baggy b-boy wear. Let's see...clothes twenty years out of date...gaudy, fakey gold jewelry, and roughing up women. OMG its's Rick. Ricky's back! The ghost of Rick James has possessed Chris Brown. Next stop? Crack and rubbing his boots all over Seth Rogen's white sofa.

I'll get you...and your little dog too!

2009-08-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought there was zero suspense involved in VH1's reality show Megan Wants a Millionaire ( no surprise she was going to bone the best looking guy with the best bank balance....her career aspiration is trophy wife, and there is no internship for that position). Despite the typical celebreality predictability, a major truckload of drama got dropped on the show when the federalis launched a national manhunt for one of the contenders for Megan's Golden Slicket. Ryan Jenkins ( networth 2.5 million) fled to Canada to avoid charges of murder in the strangulation and dismemberment of his model ( her Amber-ness came in handy, authorities were able to identify her using the seriel numbers on her implants) ex-wife. In an unexpectedly classy but unsavvy ratings move VH1 has canceled the rest of the MWM season, so its not certain how Ryan actually placed in the competition. He was recently filming a second reality show and VH1 is known for awarding 2nd place douches and douchettes with a follow-up show as a consolation prize. This is Megan Hauserman's third whiff at bat for VH1, she was voted off Rock of Love and quit I love Money. But, this time she got lucky that some CSI team isn't checking the lot number on her titts trying to figure out who she was.

The only thing Demi is Spreading is Aspercream.

2009-08-21T20:19:00.001-07:00

What a cute couple...too bad she had to bring her cougar mom!

Hef's vision fails, Speidi benefits...

2009-08-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

Heidie Montage actually posed Nekkid for Playboy , although the magazine only used skimpy bikini shots and a little well placed sand and palm leaves. Hef usually publishes any nudie bootay shots he can get his hands on including Carnie Wilson's post gastric bypass shots ( beaver and all)which were a record beating best seller at the time. King Douche Spencer says he did use his wife's shots...in the bathroom! Sneaky completely understands, there's just something about Montage that makes Sneaky want to vomit too.

Paula Abdul out of Idol...

2009-08-10T09:13:00.000-07:00

Paula leaves American Idol to resume her life as Mexican bandito Dirty Sanchez.

Madonna's arms victim of gypsy curse.

2009-08-10T09:08:00.001-07:00

...thinner !

It's hot!

2009-08-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton gets lonely for ex-Simple Life pal Nicole Ritchie and orders ill-advised breeding program....

But the MCP won't explain how to put on a rubber!

2009-08-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

Jeff Bridges helps screen the trailer for Tron 2 at Cali's Comicon nearly 27 years after the original was first released. To celebrate 3,000 computer engineers vow to lose their virginity this time around!

You're NOT invited, but the juggies can come.

2009-08-02T07:09:00.000-07:00

Jennifer Love Hewitt is begging for a role in the Next Twilight movie ( all vampires but Trueblood vamps are douchey) and she's begging for any on-screen bone the producers will give her( the 30 year old Jen does bone Jamie Kennedy off-screen) including baggage handler! Although, the film is about teen-aged vampires...writers seem willing to work h-cup Hewitt into the script. Instead of playing an ageless adolescent blood-sucker, Jenny will play the world's first vampire with Progeria! She'll go all early bird special and bite people at 5pm. And she can only bite vegans so she can get blood with extra added soy.

All eyes on me.

2009-08-02T06:50:00.000-07:00

It's a surprise that Songbird Ciara hasn't had to visit the dentist after biting Rhianna's style so hard and trying to claim it as her own. Somehow Ciara has been at full market saturation for the past eight weeks, interviews, bad performances on BET, great PSA's for fantastic charities, stupid PSA's for fake-ass charities ( Text L8er...a foundation to stop texting while driving...eye roll) and copied haircuts! Ciara even showed up at the Text L8er bash in a rented Lamborghini, like Chris Brown's rented Lamborghini...only it was purple like the bruises Chris Brown gave Rhianna in his Lamborghini.

Tell 'em Billy sent ya!

2009-08-02T06:32:00.000-07:00

It's either bad timing or bad taste ( or a spicy soupcon of both) but a HEALTH insurance company is running a commercial campaign featuring the recently defunct Billy Mays! Billy looks unusually slender ( he also throws a rented sports coat over his chambray) but still manages to reach the upper decibels in the ad. I enjoyed Billy as much as the next person ( when I wasn't Tivo'ing past him to get back to So You Think You Can Dance) but having a heart attack victim pitching bargain basement ultrasounds and prostate exams is a little too Tarantinoesque. Billy's next commercial? A pocket sized device that helps you push up daisies without getting your hands dirty....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7d85T4OfqA

All I see is fuzz.

2009-07-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was recently accused of raping a Harrah’s hotel employee. The alleged victim claims that the football player lured her in by saying his TV was broken. Roethlisberger denies that he assaulted anyone but does confirm that his tv was indeed broken. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get the Erin Andrews Channel to come in clearly. And since he was the one who placed the camera he was expecting a much clearer picture.